Aristoism: The Rules of Engagement

Aristoism needs no introduction if you're naija born and bred. For my non-Nigerian readers, I shall elaborate. The term 'Aristo' is derived from the word 'Aristocracy'. In the Nigerian context, it is used to denote younger girls who exchange sexual favors for money with older, often times married men who are quote and unquote; the 'Aristos' cos they are supposed to have a considerable sum of money to be able to afford first class tickets, Peruvian Hair, Louboutin shoes or whatever catches the fancy of their young ward.

I have very strong views on the carryings on of Aristo girls and my views are of the despicable persuasion. But we not here to examine what I think about aristoism or partakers in aristoism . This blog though not dedicated to relationship talk solely, when it comes to addressing relationships, will address ALL types; the conventional and alternative alike. So don't stone me just yet, just doing my bit for society.

It has recently come to my attention that some aristo girls don't know what is what and befitting of an aristo girl. Seeing as some people are unaware of the etiquette of the business, I've consulted with veteran aristo friends and they've agreed that you need a few tips. This list has been endorsed by them so here are a few dos and donts of the trade. If you're into that sort of thing, this may help.

RULE NO 1: YOU ARE THE SIDE CHICK!

As obvious as this rule is, a lot of you, apparently don't seem to know this. You believe you are the same as his wife. No. You. Are. Not. You are the side chick. The same privileges do not accrue to you. Sometimes, side chicks get treated better than wifey but that is just the novelty factor. You are a shiny, new pet that he buys kibbles and bits for. You want a car? Blink of an eye, you got it. You want to go to jand? Shazzam! Business Class ticket. Novelty factor. Wifey has been at home for 20 odd years. She attends all the functions. All his bosses know her, his staff defer to her. Whenever they are out, she is addressed as Mrs. Aristo. She doesn't get stuffed in a cupboard when someone is passing by. She is not ignored in public or called his best friend's niece. She is the main woman. Lavishing you with his money does not give you the prestige she gets as his wife. Don't get it twisted. She's a bad mother *shut your mouth* cos she got your Aristo to put a ring on it. She is no one's side chick. And most men with an iota of common sense prefer to keep their side chicks secret from their wives. It is not necessarily because they don't like trouble, it is mainly because wifey is a ride or die chick and they know it. You're only there for the money but if the money is no more, wifey knows how to turn a bowl of garri into a sumptuous meal and get on with the program. So, no, you're not the same as her. Your reverse cow girl is not bad enough to get him to leave his wife. Don't get me wrong, he loves that you're a freak and he will pay handsomely for it, but however long it takes for him to go home to wifey, he is STILL going home to wifey. Heard of the 80/20 rule? Well, you're 20, she's 80. She can simuultaneously rock a bad ass home cooking, whilst scolding kids, whilst managing home finances, house hold staff,etc. He knows you can drop it like its hot but that's about it. So what if she's stuck in the missionary ages? She has other important roles that you could never fill. So know your role

RULE NO 2: KEEP WIFEY'S NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH

He may complain about wifey to you from the moment he sees you till the moment he leaves. That does not give you the right to interject with little catty comments of your own. Men have a very warped sense of justice. Cos he's doing wifey dirty does not entitle you to disrespecting her. That's the mother of his kids dammit and you loose some brownie points for your loose and bitchy talk. He is the ONLY person allowed to talk smack about his wife. When you interject, he remembers that she's Saint Wifey and you're the Dirty Devil and he can't wait to leave to make amends. That's when you see wifey the next day sporting a bad ass X6. It is cos you just pricked his guilty conscience and he needed to do something to cleanse himself. You're only allowed to say one thing : baby you're so stressed, come here let me 'lub' your back. Period!

RULE NO 3: GREEN IS NOT YOUR COLOR

I feel girls that do this should be nailed to a tree and flayed to within an inch of their lives. You, a side chick, gets mad and jealous when your aristo has another side chick. Are you kidding me??? You are an amusement and you're mad that he's bored with playing with you? If he didn't feel he was missing out on something, he wouldn't have decided to step out on wifey. I've heard someone say with the way she was dropping it on her aristo, there was nothing else he was looking for with another woman. First of all, heifer, YOU ARE ANOTHER WOMAN. Secondly, sure you have a few tricks, but as the world keeps evolving, badder, younger girls are embracing this 'trade' with gusto. Yes you can rock a mean doggy but are you double jointed with the ability to do a full split on nothing but a chair? Then you're not bad enough. Suck it up. Lastly, if you're all jealous and possessive, what, pray tell, do you expect wifey at home to do? She should have smoked you out with one hot prayer or jazz (whichever one is up her street) by now. So take your big girl pills and learn to share the stolen meat.
Some of you are even jealous of the wife at home. SMH for you o. And you let your jealously lead you to calling the wife or trying to jazz her or whatever. One advice, some wives are not the sit down and cry at home types. They are super crazy and if voodoo is your thing, prayer may be hers or even stronger voodoo. Don't get beaten up or loose your life over another woman's husband.

RULE NO 4: WHAM! BAM! THANK YOU MAM!!

Aristo is not your boyfriend. You are not dating. You are merely in a commercially beneficial relationship. Commerce is defined as the exchange of goods and service for money or money's worth. So, you are providing a service that Aristo pays for in cash, kind and every which way. There is no room for feelings here. No falling in love or anything stupid cos you will get your ass hurt and have no one to blame but yourself. Here's a secret that has been learnt over time; very rarely do these men leave their wives for you. You've heard of so and so's roommate whose Aristo left his wife of 40 years for. Well, the lucky binsh is the exception not the rule. Nobody is leaving their wife for you. Don't do the pregnancy trappy thing either. All you're going to get for your troubles is a free trip to the abortion clinic. Your life is not an African Magic Yoruba movie where the chief has been looking for a child for 30 years and can't wait for you to deliver the child that will inherit all his companies (but if it is, congratulations) so get your head in the game.

RULE NO 5: NO MANAGEMENT OPPORTUNITIES

A lot of you swear that it was dire financial straits that led you Aristoism in the first place. Yeah, ok, we believe you. I'm not saying the straits were not dire, I just think they were not as dire as you'd have us believe. Anyways, that aside. So if you're in it for the money, why all the managing? I don't encourage the trade, but I would like to think that if I was to travel that route, I would want to pole vault to the top. I don't get Aristo girls whose lives are not the better for being Aristo girls. If you've gone to a man's house and spent 48 hours and he has washed you every which way like tie and dye cloth, you deserve a substantial pay out. You're not in the business of charity. You're in the business of sex. You leaving with 10k at the end of the night #epicfail. UE remember that your friend whose Aristo could not afford to rent her a place even though she had relocated for him? What was his plan? To come and groove her on the side of the road or in her car when she's homeless? I loved the way you handled that btw. I never did tell you. UE, my darling friend, asked the girl if her purpose for moving to Abuja was to count bridge. The man comes to nab the babe morning, noon and night, she has taken on more duties than the life of leisure she signed on to live dictates, he's treating her as a stand in for his wife and yet, this cheap bastard wouldn't give her enough money to cover her rent. Your job is not to manage with him. That's wifey's job. Since you're not getting a ring, there's no need for the management. I read somewhere that poor men shouldn't get hard-ons. As far as Aristos go.....well....AMEN!

RULE NO 6: TWITTER IS THE AGENT OF THE DEVIL

Social networks are not your friends, at least, not if you want to get married at some point. The wise Aristo girl is one who keeps her shady dealings on the DL. You spurn the advances of guys in your class, guys your age, neighborhood guys etc. You're too involved with the older men. These guys see these men coming to pick you up in fancy cars. You think you're building up a reputation as a 'big girl' instead, you're being sloppy and indiscreet. These men are not going to marry you and you've ruined yourself for the guys that might. This problem is more compounded by the ability to update statuses and post little soundbites on twitter. Twitter was all a-twitter a couple of months back when two very stewpid unilag girls and their equally brainless friends washed, aired and re-wore their Aristo laundry in public. The effect won't be felt just yet, but trust me, hindsight is an evil cow that likes to bite people in the ass.

RULE NO 7: DON'T BE GREEDY

Money is the appeal. You know it, he knows it. He knows you don't like him, let alone love him. How could you? He looks like that toad baddie in Danger Mouse. So he's going to try to bewilder and befuddle you with money. He will give you 200k just for giving him a blow job. This will obviously excite you and you will begin to wonder what you will get if you finally sleep with him. Greed leads you to do the do and afterwards, he gives you 10k. #failing. See your life finish? That, by the way was a true story. I'm not naming names. So try and pace yourself. A lot of money now does not mean he's setting a precedent for the future.

RULE NO 8: AIDS NO DEY SHOW FOR FACE

As an off-shoot from the aforestated, you need to be on top of your health game. If this is your lifestyle, you are in what they call "the at-risk" category and coming into contact with diseases is an occupational hazard. Sex itself is a gamble. Now you're doing it with a man who was careless enough to step out on his wife and who you don't know how many other heifers grace his bed. No amount of money is worth your life in the end. There are other risks like your breasts nestling in a calabash in some jazz house but at least, the health bit is in your control. Condoms save lives. Take care of yourself.

RULE NO 9: PAYBACK IS A BITCH

Be prepared to have the same (if not worse) happen to you. You spent your youth sleeping with other women's husbands, it is bound to happen to you and when it does, abeg cool down cos we know that your body too dey hot.

Those are the Aristoism Rules of Engagement. Hate or love them? Leave me a comment. I will be happy to shoot the breeze with you on this topic.