Friday, February 18, 2011


image courtesy                   

Warning: names of persons shall be represented by their initials to protect the innocent and not so innocent. This is dedicated to my friends who give me so much joy and provide sanity in an otherwise insane world.

I'm sitting in a meeting that makes me want to stab myself in both eyes with a pencil one at a time, just for the fun and excitement of it and I was just thinking to myself: na wa for life as a single girl! Especially life as a single girl in Nigeria particularly in Lagos and Abuja (I've just come out of the briefest of brief relationships; 3months. Brief but quite intense.)
What gave rise to my musing was that my friend GU was talking about my last blog and sex and saying we must keep wondering about the rightness or otherwise of our engaging in pre-marital sex until we can have sex guilt free. But GU's issue was when this guilt free sex a.k.a. marriage;will happen with the amounts of frogs we have to kiss as single girls

My dear sister, this is my worry too o. It literally has me up at night wondering when my frog parade will end! I express (genuine) happiness when friends get married and (genuine) horror and jealousy when a frenemy or an outright enemy gets married. How do all these girls do it? How do they manage to sieve out these non-frogs from a population comprising of major frogs?

It is a virtual mine field out there! It's raining it's not, Gerri Halliwell of's raining frogs! Damn! Check out the talent out there..... broke or ugly or low self-esteem having  or unfaithful or untrustworthy or fickle......the list of adjectives goes on and on and these adjectives are by no means independent of each other, in most cases a frog possesses most or all of these attributes. Sadly, we all want to get married and most of us will settle for whatever because we are tired of waiting for the Prince therefore any old frog will do.

Here are some practical examples: (everyone of us has a friend who is like this or knows a guy like this) When I lived in England, there was this guy I met on the plane on my way back to the UK after a christmas break his name is KR. Oh, he was charming....wasn't too good looking but he made me laugh, smelt good, dressed well all the good stuff. We became quite close over the years and I had this foolish notion that the wilderness days were over. He talked a good game too....made all the right noises about committments and stuff. One day, things just began to unravel....found out he had a face book account (which he had lied about and which unlike my usual Inspector Closseau self, I had not bothered to investgate) And we all know facebook holds a treasure trove of info. Found out he had a long term girlfriend who he'd been dating forever. And I wasn't the frst girl he pulled this shit on. Luckily for me, I wasn't too far gone. Not because I'm extremely clever, but because I had this romantic notion that we should be together in Nigeria so we can be fully warts and all. So I was holding out for that. I guess it was God that orchestrated the whole thing.
Friends, even with incontrovertible evidence that he was a veritable frog, can you believe old dude was still trying to lie and swindle me? Me? An omo eko?? Well, that wasn't happening. I had a good time making him grovel and beg and I even got a very cute pair of shoes as evidence of his folly ;)
Anyways, this tale is not really about me, it is about the girl, who today, is his wife and mother of his son. Like I said earlier, he had pulled this same kamikazee fuck up shit on other girls. The sad part was when I learnt the girl had known of most of his shit and had probably decided that a half frog is better than no frog at all.
To my mind; she literally handed him a "Fuck around on me" card on a platter of gold. This portion of this post may be viewed as sour grapes by some people but frankly, I don't give a fuck! I dodged a bullet....I know it, he knows it and the girl knows it too.  She knew and she decided to persevere in this turd of a relationship. He actually told me that she was just a girl that refused to be broken up with though he had tried several times! I mean, who says that about a woman that is meant to be the love of his life just to get some side pussy? She stuck in there just to get that ring. And you know what? You go girl! Do what you have to do to get your man I say. But the flipside is that you have to deal with the consequences. A man that didn't give a fuck when you had an option to bounce will not give a fuck when he has you on lock down. And I know frogs don't give a shit! But we women would take a frog over no frog any time any day

My second tale is about my boy; BL, when he was dating his wife, he would say to girls he wanted to sleep with "I have a wife, if you fuck with me, that's just what you did, you fucked with me" This is for real. I would have thought this would deter right thinking women , but ladies, there are frog enablers in our midst, we should weed them out and kill them slowly!!!! I digress......anyways, it didn't deter 95% of the women he told. His declaration made him a shade better than KR but it still firmly puts him in Froggy Land.

If I hadn't met a few Princes (obviously belonging to other women) I would not have believed such a phenomenon existed. My mother is blessed with one of these elusive creatures as is my cousin LA and my friends LSD and RA (congrats ladies) it doesn't mean they don't do wrong things but their moral compass is too unreal. They are MEN in every sense of the word not just because they possess a dangling appendage betwixt their legs. They are upfront, loyal, trustworthy, strong, capable and every other adjective that royalty stands for. Even when they fuck up, you know they will find their way back and make it right and spend their lives making it right for you. These men and the ladies they love give me hope. They send out a clear message that FROGS ARE AMPHIBIANS.....MEN ARE MEN!!! Stop mixing the two up. The fairytale tells us the frog turned into a prince but in life we know it is not easy for people to change. My philosophy is that when you hit 18, you're pretty much set in your ways.

Final thots: I'm still single and hoping to be searched for (I'm the huntED not the huntER) but contrary to the negative opinion you may have formed from my rant; I'm not too bitter about it. I've decided to have fun whilst my single status lasts. I'm looking @ the glass as half full not half empty, life has given me lemons and I'm a lemonade making fool and yadayada yada (all those gay 'uplifting' quotes that couldn't be more depressing if they tried)

Who am I to give relationship advice? I'm the 3months kid for fuck sakes!! However, I will not be browbeaten by parents, society, life and the fear of growing old alone with 20 cats into jumping into life with one of these frogs. A quick roll in the hay.....mais oui, certainement! Life together where my only out is blowing your brains out or worse still blowing MY brains out or bringing shame to my prestigious family name (a crime worse than murder, btw) thank you very much......keep it moving  Kermit the frog! The sad truth is once you saddle yourself with one of these, they're hard to shake because the bastards are crafty.....they will knock you up in a jiffy and leave you bemoaning your fate. It works out great for them though, cos when they've ruined your body, your looks and most importantly your vajayjay; leaving you needing a vagiplasty surgery you probably can't afford, they up and leave for a newer, yellower model of you! Last laugh and all that shit. To wrap this up, ladies, please hold out. It is soooo important!! I can't tell you how important. At least hold out a while longer before you jump into life with a frog. As for me, I'm frog marching onto the next frog that I will be kissing....who knows, I may get the one that turns into a prince (I never said reformation wasn't possible, it is just very tedious!)  xoxoxoxoxoxoxo


  1. Hilarious piece!!! .......With a lot of substance too. Well put together.

  2. Spot go girl. Beautifully written

  3. lmaoooo. Cherry again. How d heck did i miss this though?

    So you did 3 months, my shortest was 3 weeks hehehehe i didn't wait around arral. I can't shout


Say What?