Side chicks be winning!

I know!! Me sef, I was shocked when my fingers typed the topic! But a spate of recent and not so recent events are indications that side chicks have been getting one over all of us and having the last laugh.

As against being a side chick as I am, it is clear that these girls are not retarded dummies as I had previously thought. They have a plan and they are committed to said plan, come rain or sunshine.

Main chicks have long been content and complacent because they have the title "main" in front of their own chick. Like a chubby-chaser systematically feeding his spouse to death and telling her she's beautiful at 1000 kg, boyfriends encourage complacency and contentment by calling you things like wifey, iyawo mi etc. That awesome feeling when you know you have centre stage in someone's life. Bliss.

#soundofglassshattering. That's your bliss shattered and scattered all over the floor. Enters the side chick. You know her; that girl that sticks around and just will.not.leave. Main chicks have long be uppity and smug. They are 'the' ones. It is a position of power. Mummy knows you and your mum, the sister gets back from jand and brings you shoes, you're in good with grandma etc. This position is really elevated and you can't help but look down on the pathetic excuse of a human being known as the side chick. She's scum. She's lower than the gum that's stuck to the bottom of your jand shoes. You heap all your scorn on her and rightly so. You were chased, wooed and desired from day one, and here she is busy serving herself up on a platter of gold and is willing to take any crumb your man deems fit to throw at her.  Has she no shame?? She's disgusting!

Some of you know of the side chick, some of you are oblivious to her existence.  Those that know her may not know her by her official title i.e. side chick , she may have been introduced to you under cover. The favored disguise is the 'best friend' disguise. To some, she's just a girl that hung around your boyfriend who has sworn on ogun, sango and obatala that there's nothing going on between them. At first, you found her cute. Remember, you would tease your boyfriend mercilessly about her. Saying things like "how's that your babe sef"? And he never found it funny. It probably ended there for some. For some others, the cuteness grew into mild irritation and panic "why is she always hanging about and calling?" she must know he has a girlfriend, right? Eventually, that will blossom into outright disgust. You may even get your girls and go to her house and get physical with her. But guess what? She's still there.

See, the strength of the side chick lies in something very simple: she doesn't need perks; she doesn't want to be introduced to his parents...she hates parents! She just wants your man and she will do anything, say anything, be anything to get him.

And her super power? I hear you ask, simples: Devotion.

 Main chicks, this is where you are completely lacking. Main chicks feel so entitled so they sometimes act like brats. The name for this smesme is Drama. As a main chick, you believe he ought to remember what he went through to win your heart in the first place, all the work he put in stalking your sister and your friends, all the money and time he expended just to be with you. He wouldn't want to throw that down the drain. When he annoys you, you just let it rip! Who has time for rubbish? You lash out and put him in his place. The two of you will beg yourselves later.  Side chicks on the other hand.....annoyance ke? ki lo n je be? wetin be that? Even when he is clearly in the wrong, she is contrite and apologetic straight away. If na correct yoruba babe wey grandma train, one...two...she's on her knees. The butty side chick is sending ice cream factory double chocolate muffins to his office cos she knows they are his favorite and blowing up his phone; begging. Main chick, on the other hand, is keeping malice.

A side chick's best friend is heart break. She's almost immune to it. Your man breaks her heart every single day when she calls and he can't talk cos he's with you.  And when you're the side chick, old dude gives it to you straight. Hiding and subterfuge is only for Madam. She takes it on the chin  and overlooks everything in the interest of the long term goal. She knows how to play the game and she's a team player for Team Your Boo. She consoles herself with things like 'he didn't mean it' or 'he's having a bad day' or 'she (that's you btw) is stressing him'. Main chicks do not play that mess o jare. They may overlook some things but they have a bullshit quota system and once you use up your quota, you're getting it in the nads with a side of guilt. Gotta love main chick's ability to guilt trip.

It seems like a lot of work just to be with a person that was never yours in the first place but she's willing to put in the work for the eventual pay off. See we women underestimate the power of dedicated devotion and how it makes a man feel. It may start off irritating but gradually, men begin to warm up to it and then it is curtains for Mrs. Main Chick and she wouldn't even know what hit her.

Practical Example: my sister gave me one gist last week that inspired this post. Her car pool driver told her about how he ended up marrying his wife. He had been dating another woman for years and his family really liked her. She lived in Ghana so he was shuttling between Ghana and Nigeria. His present wife was his 'friend'. The Ghanaian babe had gone to beat up the current wife in the past. But she still insisted on being his friend (what a lovely person) The Ghanaian babe had always had a temper but once he started being very friendly with his friend, he started to notice it more and more. In the end, he just felt there was no need for him to condone her drama when he had a perfectly nice friend who wanted to be more than friends so he gave Miss Ghana the boot (Nigeria 1- Ghana 0). The Ghanaian babe knew that the side chick in this story was a threat to her and went to arrange the babe. If you did not have an ulterior motive as a woman, when another woman comes to arrange you, won't you back off on that note?

The side chick in this story, had a goal and she stuck around to see it to fruition. Now that's what I call determination. People like me and my cousin will be talking about how we have self respect and no time for drama meanwhile side chicks have tossed all self- respect to the wind and are now sporting huge blings on their ring finger.


So to the side chicks who have won the war and those still in the struggle; I have no choice but to salute you. Being a side chick is no mean feat yet you have managed to create art out of what others perceive as  low-lifeitude and esteem problems. Well done.

P.S. eyin ololufe mi, my lovers, my sweeties, my honies esp. HoneyDame, please forgive my tardiness and my computer's effrontery to put up an empty post. I will behave better in the future and be on top of my blog game. Sowi!

WTH??????

Hi guys. I'm so sorry I've been so 'bloglically deficient' this year. I've had some sort of writers' block and I've been going through a lot of drama at work, which should hopefully sort itself out next week. Thanks Pancake, for pulling me out of my funk today. So, yeah, enough about me. Let's get to the real, shall we? 

 This a full on rant. Brace yourselves. We were all largely uninterested (well I was) when on valentine's day, Tuface proposed to his long-term and long suffering girlfriend, Annie Macaulay. Amidst a lot of tears and 'spoil face' the beleaguered Annie accepted. 

Touching. 

The only thing I could think was: why in the hell is she so happy that a serial impregnator proposed to her? After 12 years of wasting her time, 3 baby mamas and five babies later (with one on the way), he was finally ready to settle down. Oh the relief! She has been through beat downs, public humiliation, the prospect of step kids but oh! she's definitely winning now cos there's a finger with a rock at the end of that tunnel. BULLSHIT!!! 

My friend SO and I were pondering the mysteries of life one late night and one of the questions for determination was 'is the amount of bullshit a woman can put up with in direct correlation with how much she loves a man?'. See, before Annie's 'happy' news, we were getting ready to go to the wedding of a girl who had stomached so much bullshit to get her man, it was unreal. 

They weren't dating, he was engaged to someone else but her ability to just be there come rain or shine, to almost jeopardise her education and future career irrespective of the fact that he was committed to another woman, stood her in good stead and won the day for her. SO was of the opinion that all is well that ends well. I was of the opinion that she's a home wrecking doormat. But the one consensus we reached was we didn't think we could go to such extremes and hence we are yet to marry.

And then the news broke about Annie and Tuface

And we became even more convinced that being single is not necessarily that bad. Since the bullshit bar has been raised too high for us and it seems to be a fad amongst the young ones these days. 

I was even more peeved when I read comments about the impending nuptials. Things along the lines of 'congrats girl. True love won at the end of the day' and more tribalistic ones like 'Annie was always our wife before those ugly yoruba girls came into the picture' or something like that. If Annie was always 'your' wife, dear 'commenter', you could have helped her out by having Tuface neutered after baby number 2.

And true love didn't win the day....... Desperation did. 

Why are you termed a good woman just because you can turn a blind eye to indiscretions and pretty much roll over and expose your stomach to allow someone kick it in again? Is that really a function of love? Love as I understand it might be patient, kind and bearing no grudges. Looking at the spirit and intent and not just the words of that scripture, I have come to the conclusion that this doesn't translate to 'love should always be taken advantage of and be taken for granted'. In addition, it goes without saying that the 'love edict' (as I like to call it) applies across the board to men and women alike. I don't see a man willing to look the other way when a woman he loves takes it upon herself to single handedly ensure that the human race doesn't die. Those type of girls get labelled as sluts. And a night vigil of epic proportions will be held by the family of a guy who wants to marry a girl with numerous baby daddies. 

This is not 'baby boy' or any other badly written 'urban' movie. This is life! What legacy are we leaving for our kids? "Mummy was so hugely inconsequential that she stood around for 12 years waiting for daddy to come around......you can be or have anything you want if you put your mind to it!". That....does not a female president make neither is it a rousing or motivational speech to your child, Mrs. Desperate House Wife!

I am so over women refusing to hold men to a higher standard and wondering why they are acting the fool. Do we not deserve men to whom we are primary priority? THEY hold US to a VERY high standard. So why can't we? I saw the cheesiest but simultaneously poignant thing like last year: don't make someone a priority to whom you're just an option. That makes sense. But it seems a lot of us women, are just sprinting to that finish line of getting a rock. Being a priority or something a man holds dear or cherishes,is secondary. He can do as he likes so long as I get that rock. Fantastic. I've been at the end of many a conversation where there's been a ring and a marriage but the guy is still an asshole. You know why? COS HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN AN ASSHOLE!!!! You decided to turn the blind eye for the ring. You got the ring, honey, you should be happy. That was your goal. You weren't wanting him to love you unconditionally then, or treat you right, or not put you through so much crap. All you wanted, was the ring. So what do you want him to do??? What do you want from him? He's done all that you asked...he's given you a ring. You can't change the game mid-play!!! Have you ever seen a football match that becomes a cricket match after half time because one side was losing? I haven't. The losing side knuckles down and plays the game to whatever outcome. 

The funny thing is, it is us women, that dictate the pace for these relationships. A few years ago in my church, a man thoroughly humiliated his wife during a bible study service. He said she was always harping on about him not smoking, when, when they met, she told him that the thing she liked most about him was how he held his cigarette. She set the pace, now she doesn't like it anymore. Well, tough!

We all get what we think we deserve. If a piece of jewellery is all you think you're worth, then that's it. The ring is NOT the love. It is just a symbol. It represents so much more; love, respect, friendship, commitment, longevity etc. But my fabulous generation has it all twisted. We don't sort out the preliminary issues first. We just want the ring. It is what we are gunning for from day one. 

Guys, here's a cheat note; you can act any kind of fool you want, so long as you dangle the promise of a little, round piece of jewellery before any girl's eyes. You don't even have to commit to the sentiment behind the ring. Most girls don't care. Even more importantly, try to catch the girl in the 25-30 age bracket or make sure you've been dangling her along for more than 2 years! Oh, the Jackie Channess of that desperation!!! She will never leave your ass! Just say 'undeep' things like 'why are you acting out babe? Ehn? Future Mrs....whatever the hell your last name is' and watch her light up like a retarded christmas tree in July, all transgression immediately forgiven. You have the sweetest end of the deal guys. You lucky devils. 

So....yeah......here's to desperation! Where would all these assholes be without it?

Full Disclosure

*sneaking in and attempting to act like I've been here the whole time* ok, ok, ok, sorry I've been gone for so long. First of all, happy new year (I know....but better late than never) I have really missed you guys. It has been miserable without you. It is work o! I will tell you about it later jare. Anyways, I have plenty gist o. So am I forgiven???? Yes??? Thank you. Anyways, let's talk.

The expression "honesty is the best policy" is the most overused adage in this country in my opinion. It is usually always spouted by dishonest people but I digress. How feasible is the concept of honesty in the grand scheme of things when you're embarking on a new relationship? Are we always 100% honest with a new guy/girl? If you are, when does the honesty clause kick in? A day after you officially start dating? A month? A year? there are so many things that as people, we have done and intend to forget about in life, in general. Some have to do with our dating lives. You know, you dated one kwokriko boy that after removing the relationship googles, you couldn't believe you did such a thing to yourself etc. But when you go into a new relationship, bearing in mind that you must disclose, you don't get to live those mistakes down. Going into a new relationship is always like putting a scalpel to an injury that is a day away from closing up properly and ripping it down the middle again. In that stage when you're getting to know someone, it is always expedient to decipher who they are. History contributes to who we are. So you start asking mundane questions not knowing if you will like the answer or not. As an aside, I find that at this stage, women are prepared for anything but guys, surprisingly, are always shocked. The questions vary. It could be how many guys have you slept with or have you been tested for HIV.
What I want to know is,  and please feel free to comment and help a sister out, is full disclosure necessary? Is 'surface disclosure' not enough? What purpose does full disclosure serve other than causing strife and mistrust? Dont get me wrong, I don't like lies and I don't have big secrets that i need to hide or whatever. I am just wondering about the relevance of full disclosure. Maybe I should paint scenario and then you can see where I am coming from.

Before getting married, you've been a fool for love like 3 times. 3 different guys have promised you marriage and you stupidly believed them, as you do. Those relationships didn't work out but unfortunately you got pregnant in the course of those relationships. Naturally, you had an abortion in all 3 cases. Very stupid of you, you know. But you have since made your way right with God and it is a present but distant memory.

 Now you've met a guy, you're engaged. He doesn't know of this sordid past. At what point do you disclose the fact that you've had 3 abortions? Is before the engagement the right time? You know, to give him the  opportunity to make an informed decision as to whether or not to go ahead with the engagement? Or is it after the engagement?
Let's even consider that perhaps, you told him and he's had time to mull it over and he decides that he loves you so much that he can't live without you and goes ahead with the marriage. What if 2 years down the line, you're unable to get pregnant? Even if he doesn't say anything, I guarantee that the thought that he secretly blames you will drive you to the point of almost killing yourself.

I said earlier that girls are usually more receptive of any bs that guys throw their way. This is not a broad generalization, it has been proven time and time again. "Examples" I hear you say. Boys are quicker to come forward when they have children outside wedlock. It is a proof of their virility. It is essentially a proof of a girl's sluttiness (don't stone me. That is not my view, it is society's view.....pesky little society!). Anyways, I completely digressed. Most girls will readily take this on the chin. But for most guys,it is a deal-breaker. If a woman likes you, she will literally figure out a way to make things work. Most guys can't handle even the simplest things. Take for instance the question "how many guys have you slept with?". That question is fraught with many dangers. When guys go on that road, to me, they already have the answer they want to hear in their heads, so anything above the grand total of zero becomes an issue. As  one of my favorite comedians said and i quote "you ain't discovering s*#t. Just be glad you are hitting it now. Any answer she gives will be too much for you. She could say two and you will go "two.......two???!!! I guess that is how you was raised'" women know this, so we lie. Deny! Deny!! Deny!!! It is our default setting. Or deliberately omit certain facts. Which opens it's own can of worms as it will be construed as being intentionally deceitful.

It has been my experience that guys are not so forthcoming anyways. They prefer to remain mysterious whilst asking you to lay yourself bare in 5 minutes. I'm even shocked survey firms have not found their way into relationships and courtship yet, considering how impatient men are about knowing whether to drop anchor or sling their hooks.

So if you know you are going to lie anyways, is there a point to conducting any discoveries? We are back to my first question, is full disclosure feasible? I think it causes more harm than good but they say confession is good for the soul. So what is better; excess guilt in your heart and a happily oblivious significant other or a good, clean soul and a hurting or dead relationship? Hit me up and let's talk.

Aristoism: The Rules of Engagement

Aristoism needs no introduction if you're naija born and bred. For my non-Nigerian readers, I shall elaborate. The term 'Aristo' is derived from the word 'Aristocracy'. In the Nigerian context, it is used to denote younger girls who exchange sexual favors for money with older, often times married men who are quote and unquote; the 'Aristos' cos they are supposed to have a considerable sum of money to be able to afford first class tickets, Peruvian Hair, Louboutin shoes or whatever catches the fancy of their young ward.

I have very strong views on the carryings on of Aristo girls and my views are of the despicable persuasion. But we not here to examine what I think about aristoism or partakers in aristoism . This blog though not dedicated to relationship talk solely, when it comes to addressing relationships, will address ALL types; the conventional and alternative alike. So don't stone me just yet, just doing my bit for society.

It has recently come to my attention that some aristo girls don't know what is what and befitting of an aristo girl. Seeing as some people are unaware of the etiquette of the business, I've consulted with veteran aristo friends and they've agreed that you need a few tips. This list has been endorsed by them so here are a few dos and donts of the trade. If you're into that sort of thing, this may help.

RULE NO 1: YOU ARE THE SIDE CHICK!

As obvious as this rule is, a lot of you, apparently don't seem to know this. You believe you are the same as his wife. No. You. Are. Not. You are the side chick. The same privileges do not accrue to you. Sometimes, side chicks get treated better than wifey but that is just the novelty factor. You are a shiny, new pet that he buys kibbles and bits for. You want a car? Blink of an eye, you got it. You want to go to jand? Shazzam! Business Class ticket. Novelty factor. Wifey has been at home for 20 odd years. She attends all the functions. All his bosses know her, his staff defer to her. Whenever they are out, she is addressed as Mrs. Aristo. She doesn't get stuffed in a cupboard when someone is passing by. She is not ignored in public or called his best friend's niece. She is the main woman. Lavishing you with his money does not give you the prestige she gets as his wife. Don't get it twisted. She's a bad mother *shut your mouth* cos she got your Aristo to put a ring on it. She is no one's side chick. And most men with an iota of common sense prefer to keep their side chicks secret from their wives. It is not necessarily because they don't like trouble, it is mainly because wifey is a ride or die chick and they know it. You're only there for the money but if the money is no more, wifey knows how to turn a bowl of garri into a sumptuous meal and get on with the program. So, no, you're not the same as her. Your reverse cow girl is not bad enough to get him to leave his wife. Don't get me wrong, he loves that you're a freak and he will pay handsomely for it, but however long it takes for him to go home to wifey, he is STILL going home to wifey. Heard of the 80/20 rule? Well, you're 20, she's 80. She can simuultaneously rock a bad ass home cooking, whilst scolding kids, whilst managing home finances, house hold staff,etc. He knows you can drop it like its hot but that's about it. So what if she's stuck in the missionary ages? She has other important roles that you could never fill. So know your role

RULE NO 2: KEEP WIFEY'S NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH

He may complain about wifey to you from the moment he sees you till the moment he leaves. That does not give you the right to interject with little catty comments of your own. Men have a very warped sense of justice. Cos he's doing wifey dirty does not entitle you to disrespecting her. That's the mother of his kids dammit and you loose some brownie points for your loose and bitchy talk. He is the ONLY person allowed to talk smack about his wife. When you interject, he remembers that she's Saint Wifey and you're the Dirty Devil and he can't wait to leave to make amends. That's when you see wifey the next day sporting a bad ass X6. It is cos you just pricked his guilty conscience and he needed to do something to cleanse himself. You're only allowed to say one thing : baby you're so stressed, come here let me 'lub' your back. Period!

RULE NO 3: GREEN IS NOT YOUR COLOR

I feel girls that do this should be nailed to a tree and flayed to within an inch of their lives. You, a side chick, gets mad and jealous when your aristo has another side chick. Are you kidding me??? You are an amusement and you're mad that he's bored with playing with you? If he didn't feel he was missing out on something, he wouldn't have decided to step out on wifey. I've heard someone say with the way she was dropping it on her aristo, there was nothing else he was looking for with another woman. First of all, heifer, YOU ARE ANOTHER WOMAN. Secondly, sure you have a few tricks, but as the world keeps evolving, badder, younger girls are embracing this 'trade' with gusto. Yes you can rock a mean doggy but are you double jointed with the ability to do a full split on nothing but a chair? Then you're not bad enough. Suck it up. Lastly, if you're all jealous and possessive, what, pray tell, do you expect wifey at home to do? She should have smoked you out with one hot prayer or jazz (whichever one is up her street) by now. So take your big girl pills and learn to share the stolen meat.
Some of you are even jealous of the wife at home. SMH for you o. And you let your jealously lead you to calling the wife or trying to jazz her or whatever. One advice, some wives are not the sit down and cry at home types. They are super crazy and if voodoo is your thing, prayer may be hers or even stronger voodoo. Don't get beaten up or loose your life over another woman's husband.

RULE NO 4: WHAM! BAM! THANK YOU MAM!!

Aristo is not your boyfriend. You are not dating. You are merely in a commercially beneficial relationship. Commerce is defined as the exchange of goods and service for money or money's worth. So, you are providing a service that Aristo pays for in cash, kind and every which way. There is no room for feelings here. No falling in love or anything stupid cos you will get your ass hurt and have no one to blame but yourself. Here's a secret that has been learnt over time; very rarely do these men leave their wives for you. You've heard of so and so's roommate whose Aristo left his wife of 40 years for. Well, the lucky binsh is the exception not the rule. Nobody is leaving their wife for you. Don't do the pregnancy trappy thing either. All you're going to get for your troubles is a free trip to the abortion clinic. Your life is not an African Magic Yoruba movie where the chief has been looking for a child for 30 years and can't wait for you to deliver the child that will inherit all his companies (but if it is, congratulations) so get your head in the game.

RULE NO 5: NO MANAGEMENT OPPORTUNITIES

A lot of you swear that it was dire financial straits that led you Aristoism in the first place. Yeah, ok, we believe you. I'm not saying the straits were not dire, I just think they were not as dire as you'd have us believe. Anyways, that aside. So if you're in it for the money, why all the managing? I don't encourage the trade, but I would like to think that if I was to travel that route, I would want to pole vault to the top. I don't get Aristo girls whose lives are not the better for being Aristo girls. If you've gone to a man's house and spent 48 hours and he has washed you every which way like tie and dye cloth, you deserve a substantial pay out. You're not in the business of charity. You're in the business of sex. You leaving with 10k at the end of the night #epicfail. UE remember that your friend whose Aristo could not afford to rent her a place even though she had relocated for him? What was his plan? To come and groove her on the side of the road or in her car when she's homeless? I loved the way you handled that btw. I never did tell you. UE, my darling friend, asked the girl if her purpose for moving to Abuja was to count bridge. The man comes to nab the babe morning, noon and night, she has taken on more duties than the life of leisure she signed on to live dictates, he's treating her as a stand in for his wife and yet, this cheap bastard wouldn't give her enough money to cover her rent. Your job is not to manage with him. That's wifey's job. Since you're not getting a ring, there's no need for the management. I read somewhere that poor men shouldn't get hard-ons. As far as Aristos go.....well....AMEN!

RULE NO 6: TWITTER IS THE AGENT OF THE DEVIL

Social networks are not your friends, at least, not if you want to get married at some point. The wise Aristo girl is one who keeps her shady dealings on the DL. You spurn the advances of guys in your class, guys your age, neighborhood guys etc. You're too involved with the older men. These guys see these men coming to pick you up in fancy cars. You think you're building up a reputation as a 'big girl' instead, you're being sloppy and indiscreet. These men are not going to marry you and you've ruined yourself for the guys that might. This problem is more compounded by the ability to update statuses and post little soundbites on twitter. Twitter was all a-twitter a couple of months back when two very stewpid unilag girls and their equally brainless friends washed, aired and re-wore their Aristo laundry in public. The effect won't be felt just yet, but trust me, hindsight is an evil cow that likes to bite people in the ass.

RULE NO 7: DON'T BE GREEDY

Money is the appeal. You know it, he knows it. He knows you don't like him, let alone love him. How could you? He looks like that toad baddie in Danger Mouse. So he's going to try to bewilder and befuddle you with money. He will give you 200k just for giving him a blow job. This will obviously excite you and you will begin to wonder what you will get if you finally sleep with him. Greed leads you to do the do and afterwards, he gives you 10k. #failing. See your life finish? That, by the way was a true story. I'm not naming names. So try and pace yourself. A lot of money now does not mean he's setting a precedent for the future.

RULE NO 8: AIDS NO DEY SHOW FOR FACE

As an off-shoot from the aforestated, you need to be on top of your health game. If this is your lifestyle, you are in what they call "the at-risk" category and coming into contact with diseases is an occupational hazard. Sex itself is a gamble. Now you're doing it with a man who was careless enough to step out on his wife and who you don't know how many other heifers grace his bed. No amount of money is worth your life in the end. There are other risks like your breasts nestling in a calabash in some jazz house but at least, the health bit is in your control. Condoms save lives. Take care of yourself.

RULE NO 9: PAYBACK IS A BITCH

Be prepared to have the same (if not worse) happen to you. You spent your youth sleeping with other women's husbands, it is bound to happen to you and when it does, abeg cool down cos we know that your body too dey hot.

Those are the Aristoism Rules of Engagement. Hate or love them? Leave me a comment. I will be happy to shoot the breeze with you on this topic.

Keep your friends close.......yeah, that's close enough

So I was going to do a post I considered to be a bit controversial and I chickened out half way through writing it. It may be posted at some point, I will keep you posted. So onto the word for today.

Friends.

I wrote a bunch of stuff in my secondary school signing out (or 'parting' book or yearbook or whatever it was called where and when you went to school) book and I felt very deep with myself. One thing I remember writing was that you don't get to choose your family and that's why friends are special and that why we have the duty not to let horrible and detrimental people into our lives. With all my self-righteousness and soap-boxing of old (most of which I look upon with mixed emotions now) that is one of the things I believe I still stand by till now.

I LUUUURRRVVVVEEEE my friends and I would do most things for them. I have said once before that I am a very loyal friend. They just make life that little bit more fun and colorful. Some friends have even crossed that barrier of being just really good friends, to being brothers and sisters from other mothers. Friendship is a beautiful relationship and the effort required to water and nourish it, must be made. But it cannot be denied that there is also a dark and ugly side to friendship.

How can your friendships affect your relationship? Well let's examine it, shall we. A lot of us make friends before we fall in love. These are the people that have been with you through thick and thin, people that have rejoiced with you at your highest and force fed you chocolates at your lowest. They form the entirety of your social network. Like I said earlier, some have even been absorbed into your family. Without realizing it, your lives have become intricately interwoven. Then you meet and fall in love with your boo. Now you're all boo'ed up but you still adore your friends. "What is the problem here?" I hear you ask.
Here's the problem: putting your friends over your significant other. I can't tell you how many times I have witnessed friends driving a wedge between couples. I have witnessed a divorce occasioned by following the terrible advice given by friends. (LS-O, if you're reading this, yes, I am talking about THEM). Have you ever seen friends actively and vindictively competing with their friends spouses/girlfriends/boyfriends for said friend's sole attention? I have and it is disgusting.

On this topic, married women, approach the bench please. You people kill me taking every advice that proceeds from your single friends' mouths. Are you normal? She's not married but she knows tons of stuff about how you should deal with your man. Really? Some advice is good. But here's one thing my mum told me: you never involve yourself in husband and wife matter. I try to follow that and keep my advice to myself. My married friends, if you've noticed, I give you a wide berth. Oh, you have? Have you ever wondered why? Aside from the fact that I'm a tad envious (lol) I don't know what may come out of my mouth and my life that may be detrimental to you. We are in different stations in life now and I know I'm very opinionated. You may tell me something that I will blow out of proportion and try to press my advice on you. I just try to respect boundaries these days and respect the fact that your husband is your bestie now, not me. So whilst I'm not saying cut off single friends, realize that your life experiences are not the same and whilst she's probably trying to help, it may not be in your best interest to always follow her advice. Learn how to filter information and advice.
Please bear in mind that single friends are not your only downfalls. Other married friends can give you hurtful advice or have an adverse influence on you that may jeopardize your relationship. Again, they may genuinely be trying to help but what applies in their lives may not necessarily apply in yours. Be careful.

Women to one side, men are the biggest culprits when it comes to carrying friendships on their heads. Women are traditionally what is known as 'man-paynts' so they tend to adopt their husbands friends and their wives as their own friends (sometimes completely forgetting about their own friends but whatever) Men do not see anything wrong with carrying on as they did before they got boo'ed up. Men are just generally very clueless and this is irrespective of age. And status in life. I remember a friend's husband, the weekend after their wedding telling his wife that he was going to chill with the boys after she spent the whole afternoon making him an elaborate meal. The poor girl burst into tears! He wasn't being insensitive, he just didn't know better. This is a mild case of putting your friends before your better half. There are worse cases of friends trying to force their will in their boys homes, always picking on their friends' wives, involving themselves in what their friends kids should and shouldn't do generally lording in their friends' homes and lives.
The problem is more compounded when men insist on still hanging out with their single....nay....scratch that....irresponsible friends. They don't see anything wrong in taking you away from your home and 'hanging out' till the small hours of the morning. It is all fun and games but how do you justify such behavior? My cousin's former colleague was known to regularly spend entire weekends outside his home cos he's hanging out with his boys. A married man with kids. I mean warrahell? If you're not ready for a relationship or you're too immature for one, then do the world a favor and don't bother. A lot of men use their friends as crutches. They are that link to the life they once had and like a comfort blanket, they are very unwilling to relinquish the past. And some stewpid friends are happy to encourage their friends in this foolishness. It makes them happy that they still have their friend irrespective of how his woman feels

I personally feel that the leave to cleave principle applies to friends as much as it applies to parents. Friendship has its place but it should never take precedence over the other important relationship in your life. How do you build confidence and belief in your partner if at the drop of the hat, your so called partner takes his/her friend's side over yours? Or is easily manipulated by a friend?

Relationship signals to me, the beginning of a new friendship that supersedes all previous friendships. Yoruba people pray and say 'e she ore ara yin kale'. Which means 'you will both be each other's friends for life' that is how it is meant to be. It is pertinent that no outside party is privy to the lives you lead outside of the public eye, irrespective of how old that friendship is. Your best friend is your partner and don't you ever forget that.

To define or not to define.....that is the question

This is my first post written on my new BlackBerry. Excited much? Anybody?? Just me??? Oh....ok. Anyways, yeah, I can now write my posts on the go again! Yipeeeee!

So to define or not to define? What am I on about? Ok, let me tell you. Let's set the scene shall we?

You're at your friend's dinner party, thrown purposely to hook up her looser friends with her husband's looser friends. You're moseying along, drink in hand, making polite noises when thoughts and words are directed at you, just generally minding your own business and then you're spotted. A guy walks over and introduces himself as Khalid. You spend the whole night chatting with Khalid. Dinner party over but you and Khalid are loathe to leave each other. You duly swap pins and promise to keep in touch. You think to yourself; he's a great conversationalist and he's quite interesting. In general, it hasn't been a terrible night. No romantic alliances were made, but you have met a nice bloke.
Fast forward to 6 months later; you and Khalid are still very much in touch. You talk at least 5 times a day. You're on bb every second. You see each other every night after work. You have dinner every other night. You have drinks and go to the cinema almost every weekend. You go for weddings and birthdays, house warmings and baby showers, shows and designer markets as each other's plus ones, you've planned trips away together. He's not seeing anyone and neither are you. You bicker like a married couple, you're together like a couple but the question is; is he your boyfriend? Are you his girlfriend?

This scenario is something we've all experienced. The 'pseudo-relationship'. Not quite a relationship in the traditional sense but a relationship nonetheless. It is a funny sort of relationship because most ones that I've witnessed come with all the stress and trauma of a relationship but little or none of the rewards.

 DJ is a very good friend of mine and she was in the most intense pseudo-relationship known to man (ok.....known to me) Let's call the guy Ben. DJ and Ben really liked each other at first. Due to his inability to commit, she went off with another guy but her heart was always with Ben. Needless to say, it didn't last with the other guy. DJ was soon back with Ben and the agony of wondering if he would commit. Ben was perfect for her, she thought, he wasn't seeing anyone and neither was she, he made all the right noises and they spent every minute they could find together. It soon became a sexual relationship. In a sense, it was your traditional relationship. DJ was the archetypal wifey. Cooking, cleaning up after Ben, ready to go to events whenever, always available for 'the nasty', knew all his friends, met his siblings etc. She got very 'comfortable'. She believed she was THE wife. It would only be a matter of time before Ben popped the question, right? WRONG! She confronted him at some point about the bevy of heifers always calling his phone and his answer, which was very short and simple, shocked her. He said 'we are not dating, DJ' Very eloquent....that Ben. She felt betrayed and was heartbroken. When she spilled her heart to me in agony and very much in tears, I hated to be the one to kick a devastated woman when she was down. But it was my moral duty as her friend. He's right, sez I. She looked at me with a stunned and betrayed look, I asked her to let me explain. The gist of what I said to her was that Ben was right. They weren't dating. She was just an 'enabler'. She enabled his commitment phobia. She was available to give him some ass, to clean his flat, to accompany him to events. She was on call at all times. The relationship was on his terms and suited him perfectly. He needed a 'sort of' girlfriend and wasn't yet ready for an actual girlfriend. And DJ was there enabling his ass. She thought that if she did things his way, he would see things her way. Yeah right.

This is just one way this kind of relationship exists. There are other subtle ones where you don't even think you're in a relationship. Not all of them have sinister under tones. Some guys really just can't come out to outrightly ask you to date them. They just hope that your friendship blends seamlessly into a full blown relationship. Whatever the motive, these types of undefined relationships tend not to favour the ladies, because we always want something more concrete.

So the question remains to define or not to define, when you find yourself in a situation that you can't particularly identify. Some people would say "if it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, then it is definitely a duck". I say, not in all cases. My ideal relationship is when both the guy and I understand the terms and conditions of what we are embarking on. Yup.....I'm that girl.....I like to have "the talk". I don't care how uncomfortable and embarrassing it is for you. We MUST have the talk so there are no misunderstandings. My sister says "what are you....12?" Well, I don't care. We need to be on the same page or someone needs to completely get out of the book.

What are the advantages of defining the terms of a relationship?
1. Exclusivity: not in the 'I own your ass' sense. Just in the 'not lulled into a false sense of security' sense. You can go out and say 'hey, meet my boyfriend'. It sucks to say 'I'm kinda seeing someone'. You're either seeing or you're not seeing. No 'kinda' anywhere.
2. You have the right to get angry when he steps out on you. If you're a kinda-girlfriend your confusion and inner turmoil as to whether or not you have a right to be angry obliterates the initial act that angered you.
3. At least you can hope (or comfortably delude yourself into believing) that you guys are going to go the distance.
In a proper relationship, along with its ups and downs, the biggest reward is the knowledge that in this cold, crappy world, at least you have someone to bitch to, throw things at, and cry inconsolably on their shoulders; essentially someone you call your own, who calls you theirs also. We all want to feel secure and a real relationship provides that security. It sucks when you feel you've blasphemed by calling someone your boyfriend. It sucks when you have to search their face to see signs of them being ok with being introduced as your man.

But let's not rain on 'not defining''s parade. It tends to favour the male demography but it could have its own unique advantages for the female that wants to play the field. Said female can 'date' in the actual sense of the word. I like the American concept of dating in its raw form; you can see as many men as you like. You're technically a single girl who is weighing her options. Kiss as many frogs as you like until someone drops the 'E' word ie, 'can we be EXCLUSIVE?' So, if the E word hasn't been dropped, the relationship has not been defined and you can enjoy yourself as a singleton, the way God intended. As it goes for men, no man who you're just 'seeing' can question your goings and coming cos, whorey as it may sound; he's not your man. He's just some guy you're seeing.

We need to be honest with ourselves as women. A lot of us are trapped in these pseudo-relationships and we don't know if we are coming or going. Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions. Don't be afraid to say 'dude, what are we doing?' One of three things could happen:
1. He could look at you with horror, mumble certain things that translate to 'you're pressuring me and I don't need this' and he will bounce.
2. He could stare at you in horror, fall on you with appreciation and say ' I've been meaning to bring it up but I didn't know if you felt the same way'
3. He could look you in the eye and say with a smile ' babe, we have an understanding'. At this point I expect you to slap the black (or whatever color he is) off him. The point is, you need to know. Don't let your feelings sucker you into having a non-relationship. Don't convince yourself that you shouldn't rock the boat cos everything is fine. Everything is NOT fine. You're not in a boat, you're dangling from the brow of a ship getting ready to fall into stormy seas. Rock that boat, muddy the freaking waters. Grow some lady-balls and man up. At least if you know now, you can get yourself. together and move on to another (hopefully) real relationship.You will be heartbroken for a while but feelings change with the wind. So if that relationship ends, tough cookie. As my friend UE once said to me; 'if he's not doing, he should get out of the way so that others that want to do can see'.

This I hold: if a guy likes you that much, he wants to take you off the market. If he is the shy sort, he will mumble some unintelligible things,which you may need morse code to decode, which essentially tells you how he feels. If he's not shy, he comes right out with it.  I'm not talking marriage now, I'm talking dating. People blend seamlessly into relationships a lot of time but more often than not, it is you building castles in the air. I'm just saying definition clarifies. That's my time.