Sunday, February 19, 2012

Full Disclosure

*sneaking in and attempting to act like I've been here the whole time* ok, ok, ok, sorry I've been gone for so long. First of all, happy new year (I know....but better late than never) I have really missed you guys. It has been miserable without you. It is work o! I will tell you about it later jare. Anyways, I have plenty gist o. So am I forgiven???? Yes??? Thank you. Anyways, let's talk.

The expression "honesty is the best policy" is the most overused adage in this country in my opinion. It is usually always spouted by dishonest people but I digress. How feasible is the concept of honesty in the grand scheme of things when you're embarking on a new relationship? Are we always 100% honest with a new guy/girl? If you are, when does the honesty clause kick in? A day after you officially start dating? A month? A year? there are so many things that as people, we have done and intend to forget about in life, in general. Some have to do with our dating lives. You know, you dated one kwokriko boy that after removing the relationship googles, you couldn't believe you did such a thing to yourself etc. But when you go into a new relationship, bearing in mind that you must disclose, you don't get to live those mistakes down. Going into a new relationship is always like putting a scalpel to an injury that is a day away from closing up properly and ripping it down the middle again. In that stage when you're getting to know someone, it is always expedient to decipher who they are. History contributes to who we are. So you start asking mundane questions not knowing if you will like the answer or not. As an aside, I find that at this stage, women are prepared for anything but guys, surprisingly, are always shocked. The questions vary. It could be how many guys have you slept with or have you been tested for HIV.
What I want to know is,  and please feel free to comment and help a sister out, is full disclosure necessary? Is 'surface disclosure' not enough? What purpose does full disclosure serve other than causing strife and mistrust? Dont get me wrong, I don't like lies and I don't have big secrets that i need to hide or whatever. I am just wondering about the relevance of full disclosure. Maybe I should paint scenario and then you can see where I am coming from.

Before getting married, you've been a fool for love like 3 times. 3 different guys have promised you marriage and you stupidly believed them, as you do. Those relationships didn't work out but unfortunately you got pregnant in the course of those relationships. Naturally, you had an abortion in all 3 cases. Very stupid of you, you know. But you have since made your way right with God and it is a present but distant memory.

 Now you've met a guy, you're engaged. He doesn't know of this sordid past. At what point do you disclose the fact that you've had 3 abortions? Is before the engagement the right time? You know, to give him the  opportunity to make an informed decision as to whether or not to go ahead with the engagement? Or is it after the engagement?
Let's even consider that perhaps, you told him and he's had time to mull it over and he decides that he loves you so much that he can't live without you and goes ahead with the marriage. What if 2 years down the line, you're unable to get pregnant? Even if he doesn't say anything, I guarantee that the thought that he secretly blames you will drive you to the point of almost killing yourself.

I said earlier that girls are usually more receptive of any bs that guys throw their way. This is not a broad generalization, it has been proven time and time again. "Examples" I hear you say. Boys are quicker to come forward when they have children outside wedlock. It is a proof of their virility. It is essentially a proof of a girl's sluttiness (don't stone me. That is not my view, it is society's view.....pesky little society!). Anyways, I completely digressed. Most girls will readily take this on the chin. But for most guys,it is a deal-breaker. If a woman likes you, she will literally figure out a way to make things work. Most guys can't handle even the simplest things. Take for instance the question "how many guys have you slept with?". That question is fraught with many dangers. When guys go on that road, to me, they already have the answer they want to hear in their heads, so anything above the grand total of zero becomes an issue. As  one of my favorite comedians said and i quote "you ain't discovering s*#t. Just be glad you are hitting it now. Any answer she gives will be too much for you. She could say two and you will go "two.......two???!!! I guess that is how you was raised'" women know this, so we lie. Deny! Deny!! Deny!!! It is our default setting. Or deliberately omit certain facts. Which opens it's own can of worms as it will be construed as being intentionally deceitful.

It has been my experience that guys are not so forthcoming anyways. They prefer to remain mysterious whilst asking you to lay yourself bare in 5 minutes. I'm even shocked survey firms have not found their way into relationships and courtship yet, considering how impatient men are about knowing whether to drop anchor or sling their hooks.

So if you know you are going to lie anyways, is there a point to conducting any discoveries? We are back to my first question, is full disclosure feasible? I think it causes more harm than good but they say confession is good for the soul. So what is better; excess guilt in your heart and a happily oblivious significant other or a good, clean soul and a hurting or dead relationship? Hit me up and let's talk.


12 comments:

  1. My whole thing about the full disclosure is that everybody doesn't need to know everything about you and your past. If it has no bearing on our future, then why share it or ask about it. Like you said, some things serve no constructive purpose and quite frankly most people are extremely petty and will give up the 80 for the 20 so i really think some things are just better left unsaid.

    ReplyDelete
  2. If you are certain both of you guys are gonna marry each other, full disclosure is very necessary from both sides. This is because everyone has to know what they are going into in marriage. We all have baggages and we need to know how its gonna be handled.

    No use building anything on s faulty foundation.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've always thought it depends on the man..
    Some men can handle certain information better than others.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I believe that full disclosure always needed at the commencement of every relationship. Yes as LadyNgo stated, yes your past has no bearing on your future, but one needs to understand that the individual you are today is due to your past experiences. Full disclosure simply enables you to lay your entire life history at someone's feet in order for them to accept you for who you are. Everyone has a past, regardless of how holy or unholy you may be. Every one has done things that they are not proud of. No one is perfect. By fully disclosing your past to your significant other, you are humbling yourself and giving the individual the bitter truth of yourself. You are pretty telling your significant other, here I am, take me as I am. Also yes some men can handle certain information better than others. I would suggest you find "A REAL MAN" that can simply accept you for you, regardless of what baggage you may have.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I agree with the full disclosure proponents....to an extent.
    Lady Ngo: your take on full disclosure is exactly mine. It has no bearing on anything. It is pretty much just a nosy social norm that we've been saddled with
    @ilola: the question remains : is it when you are sure that he wants to marry you that you now fully disclose? Bearing in mind that you may have dated from upwards of 2 months to about a year
    Roc: I definitely agree that some men handle information better than others. But surveys have shown that most men don't.
    Le Petit: you're looking at the 'who you were in the past has no bearing on the future' from the angle that we're not perfect. I agree but here's the problem, irrespective of the fact that it has no bearing, the fear is you're being judged by it by someone who may not be perfect himself/herself but wants you blemish free. That's why you find men running to villages to marry 'virgins'

    My question still is WHEN do you disclose?

    Thanks for commenting guys

    ReplyDelete
  6. @ CherryWine: A real man wouldn't do so because he himself realizes he has baggage that you could judge him with.

    I think the optimal time to disclose to your significant other is within the first month of the relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  7. For the record- i didn't say your past has no bearing on your future. I said that IF a specific incident has no bearing on your future, then what is the point in sharing it?

    And what is "full disclosure" anyway? Do u only wanna know my sexual/relationship history, or do you wanna know every time i've stubbed my toe? And why do we assume that everyone wants it?

    I don't think there's ever a time where you lay your entire life story on the line. That's why you have a relationship in the first place- so you can get to know the person which in the simplest of terms is pretty much both people disclosing info about themselves, their experiences and their goals. There's a time and a place for every conversation and i think you should let those times/places happen organically.

    *sorry for the novel lol

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oya welcome back. I have often wondered about this myself, *grabs a seat*

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am totally with Lady Ngo. not necessary. The guy who asks already has an agenda. I will tell you about incidents or major relationships that have affected me but you don't need to know all the frogs I've kissed..thank you very much.

    Abortions are a thorny one. If the lady can afford it, she should go check her fertility and be sure of what kinda womb she is walking into marriage with (as this is a man-made issue).

    ReplyDelete
  10. I just feel like if i'm going to marry someone, i expect him to lay out alll his dirty linen before we go to the altar. I dont want any surprise wedlock child coming into our lives after we're already married. I feel like honesty isn't always the best policy (lol) but when it comes to marriage, you better be upfront with your shit or it'll come back to bite you years later.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Just saw this article. I will only say this once. Never EVER go with full disclosure. I'm a guy. I should know. I totally agree with what you suggested as an alternative - SURFACE DISCLOSURE. I know I know... Honesty is the best policy but that phrase is so overrated and irrelevant in the real world that it should be a crime to use it.

    What guy would want to hear that his girl has slept with about 10 guys before he came along? Or that she's has an abortion before? In this world it is not all black and white, there are the grey areas inbetween.

    Only tell your guy what you feel is necessary and tolerable that will not hurt his ego or change the way he sees you. SURFACE DISCLOSURE. If you guys are really committed to each other and you are REALLY sure he loves you. Then full disclosure is allowed. However, it is unnecessary to tell him how many guys who have slept with or had a relationship with. But if you've had an abortion before, he deserves to know what he's dealing with. And even then, his response is 50-50. Anytin fit happen.

    In summary, do not do full disclosure with your boyfriend. But if you guys are FULLY committed to one another, seat him down and spill the beans gently. It is his right to know.

    However, there are guys who are exceptions to the rule. Even if you have 10 children from 10 men, or were a sex worker in your former life, nothing in this world is strong enough to shake his love for you. They are rare. Is your guy one of them? Think carefully.

    OMG! Like play like play I've written an epistle. Please check out my blog and let me know what you think. *kisses*

    http://9ja-dejavu.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  12. I was a fan of full disclosure once before. I told my ex everything about me.... I mean EVERYTHING. Guess what????? It came back to bite me in the a** big time!!!! In our final argument my whole history was downloaded to me. Stuff I had even forgotten I had told him when we were still "friends" were recounted with dates, time,venue, facial expressions e.t.c.
    So ladies if it were possible I would advice NO DISCLOSURE!!!!! But since it isn't, settle for surface...

    ReplyDelete

Say What?