Wednesday, September 17, 2014

The Marriage Pact III

Source: Illustration by Brittany Holloway-Brown for BuzzFeed
I awoke out of my deep slumber a week after the moving in fiasco. I had stumbled through my life in a trance for the whole of that week. After hanging up on Obi, I refused to take his calls. He drove to my apartment six times in that week and my doorman, who was under strict instructions not to let him up, told him I wasn't at home all six times. He tried to leave joky messages but I knew he knew something was up from the tone of his voice.

You've reached Dami, I'm sorry I'm not here to answer your calls...actually, I'm not sorry. Just leave your message.

Obi: Dami...Dami... na like this we go dey dey??? I've been calling you for five nights straight and you've not been home. Who is this hot date that has you rolling out at all manner of ungodly hours? Anyways, please call me back when you get this. I'm starting to worry. Joy says hi. 

He usually ended his messages with 'Joy says hi'. It cut me like razor blade laced with dried pepper! Do you know the only message I want to hear about Joy, Obi?... I fumed to myself ...that she threw herself in front of a speeding train or she fell off the edge of the earth. Joy says hi ko...Joy says bye ni. 

Anyway, I woke up from my trance with the realisation that my silent treatment was driving him further and further into Joy's devious arms. I swatted away the voice in my head telling me that Joy had nothing to do with our pact and may not even know of the pact. Whatever, errant voice, I mused. It occured to me that Obi may not even know that I was now that way inclined about him and that may be why he had chosen to throw in his lot with what the members of my mother's prayer group called "obirin ajeji" ie a strange woman. Well, I'm about to nip this rubbish in the bud. I began to hatch my plan to do something about the entire situation. 

Two things happened over the coming weeks to kick my plans into high gear. 

Adaora, a mutual friend of Obi and I, from UTA was getting married. Us UTA girls in NY decided to throw her a weekend long bridal shower, starting with a spa date. Two weeks to the date, Jare, one of the fellow chief organisers called me and said Obi had begged her to include Joy in the activities so she could meet some his female friends in NY and have fun things to do besides hanging out with him. Jare had said fine but was perplexed about Obi calling her and not me. She wanted to know if all was well in camp Obi-Dami. I fabricated some lie about Obi and I always missing each other and how work had been crazy so he probably called her because he couldn't get hold of me. Jare seemed mollified by my excuse. Meanwhile, I was SEETHING during and after that phone call. The cheek of this stupid Obi boy. He couldn't even let me enjoy my friends in peace. He was so determined to include this girl in my life with or without my consent! What sort of rubbish is this in this New York sef that one cannot attend her friend's bridal shower in peace? Ehn??

That wasn't even the kick in the teeth for the whole stupid affair. We got to the spa, we were all chattering and having a good time...or pretending to on my part because I spied her from the corner of my eyes. I wished she was some sort of wilting wall flower that would be intimidated by a large crowd of old most normal people. Mba o! This abnormal child basically flowed seamlessly with others and was gisting like we all went to school together. I couldn't be obvious about the fact that I wanted to drown her so I basically had to gist with her from time to time. At some point during the afternoon, she cornered me coming from my massage and the following conversation ensued:

Me: Oh...hi because we basically almost ran, face first, each other. I made to side step her but she stopped me 
Joy: Hey, I was actually coming to look for you.
Me: Really? Are you ok? Having fun?
Joy: Yes, thanks. 
Me: Ok thinking that was the end of the conversation, made to side step her again...
Joy: You don't like me very much, do you?
Me: Why would you think that? I have been rumbled! Here I was thinking my acting was Oscar worthy!!
Joy: I've heard so much about how you and Obi were the best of friends, how you guys practically did every single thing together. But since we got together, I haven't seen you once at the house, you don't do anything with us and I can't help but think it has something to do with me.
Me: Nope. Nothing to do with you. Crazy schedule. That's all
Joy: Well, I'm glad to hear that. I don't know if he's told you, but we are talking marriage and I just wanted to clear the air about there not being a problem between us. I don't mind you guys being best of friends if that's what makes him happy and I just wanted you to be ok with me as well.
Me: No he hasn't told me anything. But congratulations and I really don't have any problems with you. I have a pedicure scheduled. So...see you later?
Joy: Yeah.

She hugged me and I gave her an awkward side hug and walked away.

THE CHEEK OF THIS CHEEKY BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Without any warning at all, she delivered a Spartan kick to my already fragile chest with the marriage tidbbit! Kai! I have suffered!!!!!! Imagine her giving me permission to continue a friendship I have had before her existence was even a distant memory!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could kill Obi with my bare hands right now!!!! What the entire fuck?????!!!!!!  I flipped my phone out of my robe and urgently dialled Obi. I got his voicemail and I left this message:

You absolute, fucking, shithead!!!! Is this BS I'm hearing about you and Princess Joy true???? You are considering marrying a girl you've known for all of five fucking minutes????? For real???? How stupid are you? It is not rhetorical. I am expecting a 500 word essay detailing how stupid you are. And I had to hear it from her????? Really?????Oh...and please thank her for her magnanimity in permitting us to continue our friendship unhindered. I am soooo grateful. Fuck you, fuck her, fuck EVERYTHING!!!!!

I hung up. I couldn't believe how many f-bombs I had dropped in the space of two minutes!!! The red mist cleared and I was just so drained. This has to stop and it has to stop now.

To be continued 

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  1. *faints* you updated! Is it christmas?!!!
    Woot woot!!!!!! I like you again.
    I feel like there is so much of you in it"s the sarcasm.
    dont relent now, baybeee! Keep them coming!!!!!

  2. Yay!!! What HD said :D plus, I love you now, not like

  3. Keep them stories coming but Joy sef na wa o her innocence is kinda disturbing sha...she blind? i know she blind lool

  4. I am the voice crying in the wilderness "oh please Dami" wake up, remember the coffee has always had the same smell and remember the million other girls who fell for the same vibes" :p

  5. This Dami needs to be cleansed in River Jordan

  6. The f-bombs though......Dami definitely went way past the 'anger threshold' lol. Joy and her guts eeshhh


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