Wednesday, January 22, 2014

What's the situation?

Wassup y'all?

No time for in depth pleasantries. Let's get to the word.

So as  marriage looms..ok..relax!! I've not been proposed to yet, so let's hold off the congratulatory messages for now, but I do feel marriage is looming and I would not let a tiny detail like "a proposal" mess with my 'marriage looms' feeling. I've got marriage on the brain a lot lately.  Matter of fact, I've started to plan my know, picking out colors, looking at bouquets, bridesmaids dresses etc. I do not want to be caught unawares and start running around like a headless, clueless chicken. Once the man and the proposal is right, I will just put my feet up, whip out my to-do list and list of vendors (oh yes folks...I said vendors...ish just got real!!!) and proceed like I was born to do this!

Anyways, so as marriage looms, I've found myself wondering when people have certain conversations about certain, not so pleasant subjects. Chief of which is the 'don't ever cheat on me or hit me' convo.

This should ordinarily be implied in the wedding vows. Your standard vow goes thus:

With this ring I thee wed
With my body I honor you
All my worldly goods I thee share
I give you this ring as a token of my abiding love and constant faith

So honor, sharing, abiding love and constant faith denotes to me; love me, keep your hands off other women and go to the gym if you feel like hitting something. Also, I think the type of relationship folks have before marriage determines what type of marriage they would ultimately have. If he was already hitting you 6 months into the marriage and you had to sleep at the edge of the bed so him and his "friend" could cuddle, then please write your own unique vows, the above stated do not apply.

But, as my mother would say, 'inu jin' which essentially means, the heart of man is deep and hidden and you may never be able to contemplate the depth of your significant other's thoughts...EVER! even when you are both old and grey. You would know and be familiar with a lot of things but not everything. One great human characteristic is the ability to surprise. I would do certain things and surprise even myself, so clearly, such surprising action would not be in the list of things my significant other knows about me.

In light of the foregoing, I am not worried so much about actions that I can see and perceive as a man's normal response to certain things. Those are there to aid me in making an informed decision. I am more concerned about the possibility of a simmering violent and/or philandering side that has been repressed and tamed during the period of courtship. Is there a need to raise these topics at any point in the relationship? How do you go about raising such a topic? How does one slip this into everyday conversation?

" Baby, did you see yesterday's episode of Doomsday Preppers? It is good to be prepared for every eventuality o. Btw, if you cheat on me/ hit me, I am prepared to cut your balls off while you sleep, feed them to you and exit stage left".

Is that how it is done? Or do you hope that while you are both watching Doomsday Preppers and your eyes meet and he smiles fondly and looks that nanosecond of your eyes meeting, you are telekinesically conveying to him that cheating and hitting are some of the things you won't put up with? Or do you subliminally cast yourself as a patronus into his dreams and warn him in a banshee's voice that he will have no peace if he messes with you? Or do you just have faith and hope for the best while expecting the worst?

It has become the norm to discuss genotype,  finances and even how to handle the MIL but I still don't know what the process for discussing fidelity, domestic violence, emotional torture etc are. Should we encourage these conversations and would it help at all? Or am I too dark and disturbed for one who is yet to be proposed to and should stop worrying my pretty head about it  while adopting the "cross that bridge when we get to it" stance?

I would appreciate it if married people especially could weigh in on this just to help the single folks out. What are some of the tough topics you had to discuss with your spouse immediately prior or immediately after the wedding?
Please share.

Enjoy the rest of your week folks!


  1. Lol. Its not like he would admit he will hit or cheat tho. Nice stuff tho. I'd like to see the comments

  2. LOL, I say lay it all out there. At least that way if the need should arise for testicles to be removed and shoved down someone's throat, they can't say they weren't warned.

    And you'd be surprised how many men WILL admit that cheating/a beating may be in the future. I've never heard anyone definitively say they will but i've heard more than once "i can't say i won't ever hit you or cheat on you but i'll try my best not to" (or something along those lines).

  3. LMAOOO.....I dont know how u do this! This, a very serious matter, yet I am having trouble getting past your 1st major paragraph.
    Please repeat after me.."I , CherryKoko, am an unrepentant mess. Help me!!!' you (cherrykoko) know, I am not married, but I have a couple of things to say. Genotype talk came up within a week of talking with my boyfriend. Cheating and hitting came up much later, and depends on my whims. We could be eating, and I'd bring it up. We could be joking and I'd bring it up. We could literally be doing anything and I'd feel the need to address it one more time. The warnings cant be too many, abi, can they?

  4. I'm also in the marriage looms phase, and the boy and I had several such discussions before the relationship got the the marriage looms phase. I'm more of a start as you mean carry on person, don't move the goal post half way through the game. as marriage looms we reiterated these. we hav a 'game' we play called deep dark where we're obligated to answer thruthfully what ever question your partner brings up gives a safe space to discuss stuff without grudge or repercutions. good luck and congratulations on your marriage looms!

  5. Err Ehm...I don't know how to respond to this. But i've kinda always known that some men can't mess with certain type of ladies and I think that would include you. plus for me, it wasn't something I bothered asking seeing as I married a Brother in the Lord, not that a Brother in the Lord cannot turn out to be the Michael Jackson in Thriller but ehm,I think sometimes I try to repeat stories to get his view or potentials in certain areas. yels, I use gists of some friend (whether real or fictional who gets beaten or whatever) and gauge his reactions or comments...Did I help?

  6. Ok, I'm not married! Yet! Lol! But seriously, I think that you just may never know what he'll turn out to be. The truth is that even if you talk about such issues with him, he'll tell you that no way on earth would he hit you or cheat on you. The fact that is, he may actually mean what he's saying but I have seen things turn around for couples and they change. Even women change. I recently had a coversation with a very close married friend and she told me she was close to having an affair a year after she got married. This friend is a sister in the Lord who got married as a virgin. However, she told me that they struggled with their finances for a while after the wedding and temptation came in form of a rich boss! She told me that her husband who happens to be a very cute and attractive dude became ugly to her. It took a lot of will power and praying for her to remain faithful to her husband.Thank God she overcame that phase. My point is, there's always that possibility. Like my people would say, oja okunkun ni. So what I'll do is study him and pray real hard before saying "I do".

  7. I think if your bf/gf is really your friend, these things won't be hard to discuss, if you both have good hearts towards each other.

    Although it will be very hard to discuss this to someone who already hit you a few times or cheat on you, and you chose to stay in the relationship. There's nothing to discuss. You already told the person that his/her actions are allowed.

  8. Oh dear...this topic is deep. When it comes to talking about such topics, I kinda convey the message using a joke. I don't go head on asking because I know men/people can easily 'twist words' and seem like the superb innocent being who can't break a biscuit. I know this topic(s) rarely come up in people's dating days (I know I'll be the same, not really asking/talking directly but I'll ask o biko...using my jokes tactic maybe). Trust me, Cherry this topic will always be hard to talk about because we just naturally think, oh he won't cheat, oh he won't hit me. Purleaaseee... I shall ask somehow sha!

    Ehen...when the Mr and Ring arrive please send Missy Tee's invite.

  9. I think as a woman, there is a lot you can get away with during the "getting-to-know" / "just-friends-lemme-think-abt-dating-you" phase cos this is the point where you lay your ground rules and the guy will do whatever you say before you agree to a relationship and the tables kinda turn. So, as they are often also oblivious that women can tell character at this point from things they say, i think we can take a page from "Think Like A Man" and ask questions like What are your views on relationships? How's your relationship with you mom/sister growing up? Ever cheated? Ever been cheated on? What pisses you off? Ever fought? And also religious views because I think a man that genuinely has a heart for God will not only have the fear of God but exhibit fruits of the Holy Spirit, the most important of which to me is self control (with lust and anger). note the use of word GENUINELY. :) It might also help to never hesitate to hint whenever the opportunity presents itself what you will absolutely not tolerate. "Mehn, if a guy cheats of me I will cut his balls off..." "My dad is fiercely protective of me o. and he owns a gun". "omo, how can he lay hands on his wife, she should have made sure he spends at least one night in jail" or ..."gotten her brothers to give him a black eye on code". That should do the trick...!

  10. I agree with what Atilola wrote, when you are in a comfortable relationship after having developed a good friendship, you find it easy to talk about anything.. And you would know how best to bring up a topic with him/her.. Like HD said, it could come as randomly as ever.. And I know that some people can be random! But I think just like genotype and MIL issues, it's important to talk about these things and not take it for granted that "of course he/she wouldn't cheat or hit me everrr"... To be forewarned is to be fore armed xx

  11. @Miss TLG: You are quite right about a dishonesty aspect when broaching deal breaker topics such as this. I think the guy's main focus at the time is to get you right where he wants you. God help us. Thanks for your comment and compliment

    @LadyNgo: I love you girl!!!! To be forewarned IS to be forearmed though. I've never heard of a guy saying you may likely be hit or cheated on. I think you know the day you get hit.

    @HoneyDame: I repeat " I am an unrepentant mess". lol. A joky approach seems to be the best way. A wise man would know that 'idi ere la ti n mo ooto oro" na from play you dey know the truth. Might adopt this approach

    @Anon: ooooo I like your deep dark game. Stolen! Good luck as marriage looms.

    @Gemstots: I trust you...queen of the subs! Mr. A must have over listened to cautionary tales and 'ishi 'ti' talks

    @Ymc: You raise an interesting point o. He may intend never to do all those things. I guess a better way to go about it would be to study his temperament and mannerisms while adopting the awada, 100 questions and ish 'ti methods highlighted above

    @ @ilola: Gbam!!! Your second paragraph is exactly how I see it too.

    @MissyTee: top of the invite list, don't worry. You are right tho. It is undeniably a hard topic to discuss but nonetheless an important one. If only to let him know your views on the subject matter. Those conversations might have a deeper resonance than we give them credit for.

    @UN: lmao at the little warnings but excellent points made all around. chief of which is a man with the fear of God. A man after God's heart would exercise restraint in all things including what is being discussed.

    @1+The One: Too right hun.

    Thanks for all your comments guys.

  12. It is very important to discuss everything and anything before marriage. Finances, family, sexual preference, family history regarding sickness, curses, kids... lol! Seriously everything and anything... Friendship makes it easy. Watch his reaction to situations that get him infuriated. Make up stories about infidelity and get his opinions/views.

  13. I totally agree with YMC. You never really get to know all there is but we try and pray. My dear, address all there is to address, no matter how bizarre or awkward the conversation might seem. That's where @ilola's comment comes in. If your partner is your friend, it'll be a lot easier to talk about these things. You'd be surprised at how the conversation would turn out. And yes, if the dude has already cheated or hit you, then the deed has been done. Its like a ghost begging not to be killed...
    hey! There's nothing too awkward or little to pray about. You'll hear from God.


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