Monday, July 16, 2012

Nothing wey eye no go see!

Long Post Alert!!!!!
This is a work of fiction but it depicts the goings-on in many marriages in this nation today.

© Donn Thompson/DK Stock/Corbis
 Our pipo say the thing wey old man dey see when im siddon, small pikin no go fit see am if I'm tanda on top stool. Hmmmm.... I no be old man, but the thing wey my eye don see for this Vincent house, my mouth no go fit talk am finish. Make I start the 'tory from the beginning gbam.

My own name na Susan. Na from Ikot Epene I from come. Na my aunty bring me come Lagos come dey do house girl work. I dey do 'domestic' for Dolphin Extension in Ikoyi.  The name of my oga/madam na Mr & Mrs Vincent.  They don marry now, almost 6 years. I don dey their house almost 3 years.

Oga na big boy! If you see my oga ehn, na to bow. Im fine!! My oga na die. E take style resemble this Banky W boy. But im own bear-bear no get kwashiokor like Banky own. Na correct bear-bear. E come tall, come use style fair small.  Money nko? Money berekete. Too mush money! Im aroma when e dey pass for house, na die! To finish everything, im forne na one in town. In short, over-packaging dey worry my oga.

Madam nko, hmmmmm. When you see madam for night, make I talk true, she and willi-willi resemble! But by 9 in the morning, she don package!  Madam no to fine but she set die. See hips, see bobby, see yansh. Madam get body. She go come do mammy water hair. She like that kind hair. I dey see as them dey come 419 her dey collect better money for common yaki wey dey dey sell for 950 for market. All these rich people, na to dey carry money throway for soakaway them know! Shior!
Wetin I dey talk before? Ehen, madam no too fine but she package. She mma, the forne wey dey from her mouth commot, no get part two.  Shebi you know that aunty wey dey that program for tv, Tinsel. The one wey dey always open eye anytime she wan talk? Na so my madam forne be.

They be wetin oyinbo people dey call young, successful couple. Madam be oga for bank, Oga get im own business wey e dey sell moto, dey sell land, dey do rental of house etchetram,etchetram.

But Susan, you never talk anything na. Shebi una for take style cool down for Jesus? I dey come.

I don dey enjoy the work wey I be for do for the house. Oga-Madam no too get wahala. Wait first, oga, no too get wahala. Madam get plenty skoin-skoin in her head. I don know how to dey dodge am and oga no dey even let am dey wahala me too much.  Me I dey do my work, no too much complain. I dey happy because na oga dey house pass madam. Madam, when she from work come, na from doormouth she go begin dey shout like one otutupoyoyo pikin: 

M:‘Susan!! (she go call am one by one...Sue-San) why is this foyer so dingy? Do you even bother to run a mop across my house at all or do you spend the whole day being good for nothing?’

This one and many, many more n aim she go take answer you when you greet am ‘welcome’. Shuo!.

Anyway, my madam get one friend, im name na Aunty Anne. Them two be like twins. Same mammi water hair, same otutupoyoyo voice...everything. When Aunty Anne come our house, they go dey clap hand together dey gist with small small voice. When me or m’oga enter the place where them dey gist, they go keep quiet quick quick. M’oga no too like Aunty Anne. When she and her husband come (the tachere times wey she bring her husband come our house) m’oga go greet them, carry im food go eat for im game room. E no dey follow them play at all. Me sef, I no like aunty Anne. Na so so night she dey come carry my madam for waka. Today, bridal shower, tomorrow, baby shower, na rain abi na bucket dem dey take do this shower? M’oga don vex sotay, e don tire. E come be like say something else dey this matter pass friendship. Anytime m’oga talk small, na madam otutupoyoyo voice you go hear instanta 

M:‘what do you mean? Do you expect me to abandon her? She's going through stuff now. After all she’s done for me and all we’ve been through together? Hun, you’re being unreasonably jealous’

Infact, make I gist you. One day, m’oga tell my madam say im aunty dey travel come from Kaduna say as im get meeting that day with im business partners e go like if she meet madam for house instead of make na me one dey attend to the old mama. Madam don gree say she go quick reach house o, na im oga commot go do im business. Madam reach home like that kain 4.30 in the evening. The mama go reach our side around 6. As madam dey give me instruct for kitchen na im I just hear voice from parlour. Aunty Anne just dey shout my madam name

AA: ‘Stephanie!!! Stephanie!!!! S-T-E-P-H!!!!!' 

Madam run out of kitchen like person wey demon dey pursue. Na im dey dey do shroooshorooshrooo for parlor may person no hear their talk. I gum for corner dey try hear. The only thing I hear na ‘I love you’. Love qua?? Another person wife? Issorai. After that, na door wey dey close...gbam... na im me I hear. I come walk sho-sho to the parlour, madam don carry bag, follow aunty Anne.
Shuo! No be persin wey im husband give command make e wait im aunty be dis? Which one concyn me? I return to kitchen to finish the food. The mama come, I give am food. Oga come, e ask of madam, I tell am say she just commot but im aunty do correct tatafo for am. Time dey go reach 2am when madam come back. Since around 5 in the afternoon. That night, na correct boxing m’oga give my madam for house. E come warn am say e nor wan see aunty Anne for this our house again and make madam sef no go her house again.

But e be like say my madam ancestor na goat. She go call house follow oga talk, advice am make e go out with im friends, she go quickly come house with aunty Anne. They go enter room lock door. Na fem! you go hear. They no go whisper, nothing. Na that time I come begin dey suspect the two of them. E be like say my madam and aunty Anne dey do forbidden tins for im and m’oga bedroom. Jehovah! How woman go get man like m'oga for house dey give im property to fellow woman like am? This one na mystery!! I begin dey wonder whether e go wise make I tell m’oga. I just advice myself say when kasala burst, na me dey go first send return to Ikot-Epene. Na kiss dem go kiss each other, leave story. So na im I just hol’ my side, just siddon look.

After about 8 months na im aunty Anne and im husband come beg m’oga say make e no scatter the friendship between the two women. Say Anne no go do the kain thing wey e do for m’oga again. M’oga come say e don do. E no vex again. E no know say the friendship still dey weluwelu. But wetin concyn agbero with overload?

The day wey kasala go finally burst for we house, na Saturday evening. Oga dey do birthday. Madam don arrange correct caterers. We put tent for our garden, she say na ‘All White’ party. The party start around 6.30 in the evening. Food berekete, drinks berekete, small chops nko? E full ground. As no be me prepare the food, I get off. Me sef, I knack white like say I be cele. I dey help dey serve. Correct music dey commot from where the dj siddon. All the big boys and big babes for lag, full throw-way. Na so-so jeep dey park for outside we house. Aunty Anne and her husband sef, dey. Oga dey smile, dey follow everybody dey talk. Around 10 o’clock, I still see my madam and oga wey hol’ themselves dey dance blues. Everything dey kampe. Around 11.30pm, na im kasala burst. Wetin happen? Taink you.
I wan go collect cups from the store. Madam don lock store because im talk say better, ogbonge drinks dey there and when all them pipo see am, they go just dey drink am, dey waste am anyhow. So we dey dey ration am, dey bring am out small, small. As we bring small out, madam go lock the store again. So I come dey find am make she come open the store make I carry cup. I check for parlor, she no dey. I check for room she nor dey. I just say make I even try the door to the store to see whether she even remember lock am sef. As I turn the handle na im the door open o. When I push the door, na im I shout ‘JESUS’!!!
The way wen I shout ehn, na im all the pipo wey dey parlor run come kitchen dey ask wetin do me! As they enter na im dey see show! We all just tanda there.  One or two pipo snap the show with their blackberry. Some pipo don go outside go dey do gbeborun of the show wey them see. Plenty pipo begin dey run come inside.

M: ‘What happened’? ‘What is going on’? ‘WHAT THE HE....’

 Na im madam fall yakata for floor. She no fit ask all the jamb question she bin dey ask before. Wey aunty Anne dey try carry am wey she sef dey cry.  You know go ask wetin dey shock person wey Holy Ghost enter am, carry am knack for floor? 

Well, na m’oga wey don dey full naked with another man ontop floor for our store, wey dem dey knack each other, seriously! No be only that. Na aunty Anne husband dey knack m’oga like say e be woman!

Na im all im secret come out. Na why im nor like aunty Anne be that. All the things wey I bin dey suspect my madam since all this days ashe na m’oga dey, dey chop forbidden fruit! Every time wey aunty Anne dey come our house ashe na because she dey suspect say im husband get girlfriend for outside. Im no know say na boyfriend. Ashe na true-true say m’oga dey jealousy aunty Anne but no be because im close with madam, but because im with am dey compete for the same man. Ashe all that one wey e dey form like say im no dey follow their family play na lie. I carry yansh give m’oga o! But e go throw-way my yansh since say na man yansh im like. Jehovah!

Anyway, na so party finish sharp sharp. As madam run upstairs na im I follow am. My madam come gentle. She with Aunty Anne come dey CRRRYYYY! Like say pikin fall for their hand, come die.  Me with am, with aunty Anne, come dey help am pack. Another of im friend, Aunty Pam follow tell the visitors make them excuse us. Say party don finish. Oga just stay downstairs wey im dey. The other ashewo man don run commot. I know say, my work don finish. Madam call im mama, tell am the story. Im mama say one two, make she with aunty Anne begin dey come im house for VGC. Na im that marriage pafuka o.

Me I still dey dey look for work, I dey do wash-lady around our side. Thank God say I dey follow other housegirls for our area dey play. In the night, dey go sneak me enter boys quaters to sleep. I dey manage. But if you get work, abeg, I dey cook, I dey clean, I dey wash clothe. Anything wey I see next time, I no go shout again. I don learn say nothing wey eyes no go see for Lagos.


  1. Omgggg olaronke..jor ma pa mi!!! Ds is hilarious..u're good @ wat u do..kip it up!

  2. #dead# infact a standing resounding ovation for you. i enjoyed every part of the story
    lwkmd...........abeg, na many tins person dey see o

  3. Rotflmaoooooo Cherry o. I go take style cool down for Jesus & wait for more of this. This is really good babe. More fiction plssss

  4. all pidgin too!? You've outdone should start a "Susan, the house girl in Lagos" series or something. TOO FUNNY.

  5. Na wa oo. I did not laff oo. I was so engrossed in the story that I could not even laugh. SO so saaaad. I would have said its just fiction, but unfortunately, stuffs like this happen a lot.


  7. ye pa.

    The narration was superb!!! Well done!!!

  8. Omg. this is absolutely hilarious. The housegirls and gate men know EVERYYYTHING!! You should sooo start a series!

  9. Superb storytelling. Got me engrossed and I wasn't expecting the twist. It's also really sad that this things happen in real life.

  10. The pidgin sure made the story extra special. plus that twist. lol

    good one!

  11. hahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahh!!! wonderful

  12. Thanks for your comments guys. I feel very inspired and I will consider a 'Susan mini series'. Lol. As @ilola pointed out, the situation itself is not funny, just the story telling. It is a really big deal... a scourge of epic proportions in this country that we need to figure out how to solve through re-orientating our young men. Marriage is not a joke. If there's an impediment that will not allow you to fully commit to your marriage; DO NOT GET MARRIED. That's my stance. Thanks for stopping by, once again.

  13. Wow.
    First time here, first time I've ever read an entire story written in pidgin.

    Very good, very well written. I laughed a lot in my head and tried to imagine the scenes.

    Very nice. Keep up the good work

  14. omg!!! U ARE GOOD..
    narration = superb..
    pls tell me this is fiction sha....
    cos fine Nigerian bobo/ marriage no fit go like that o...

  15. LMAO...Cherry haff kee person....plix wey Sue-San dey nw....ROTFL

  16. Being engrossd is an understatement....was over glued sef to the story.....couldn't help was too funny....but sad at the end....what is going on in our land?.....Cherry, i give it to you...u're good.....Standng ovation my dear....


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