This is a bit difficult because dredging up memories from my past is not my thing. I always try to look ahead and chalk everything down to experience. And I'm not quite sure I WANT to say anything to my ex. But I did commit, so here we go:
The break up was difficult for me initially cos the relationship lasted a whooping 3 months so it was still in the 'honeymoon' stages for me and I wrongly assumed that cos I felt that way, you did too.
I get why we had to break up and in general, I wasn't mad about the break up itself. What I was mad about was how you went about the whole thing. I didn't get was why it took so long for you to get it over and done with, why you strung me along and why you put me through hell just cos you didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. I would have respected your decision and respected you more as a person if you had bit the bullet and did the damn thing as soon as you knew it was a no-no. Instead you kept me in the dark and had me discussing my relationship with people, trying to figure out what was wrong. That cut me deep.
When I had gotten over myself (over you too but more over myself) I realised, I was the only person in that relationship. I deluded myself into thinking you were in it with me. 'You're chatting shit, Cherrywine. We were in it together' but were we tho? You were so jumpy around other women. You wanted me but not all the time. I'm not that girl who takes some or nothing. I wanted all of you or nothing at all, but I decided that I liked you and things will get better. On the day of my highest achievement, you couldn't even celebrate me by putting my picture up for the whole day cos your 'women' were buzzing your phone off the hook. Yes it sounds silly but it is one of the examples of how inconsequential you made me feel but yet, I put up with it.
And then you turned around and hurt me with an information that I gave you in a way that could have been better managed but wasn't. That wasn't one of your finer moments, trust me. It was never meant to be cos you weren't the person I thought you were anyways. In 3 months you messed up in more ways than I care to remember and now you want to be friends. That's jokes. How do you define friendship? For me, my friends are people I trust to have my back whenever. You betrayed my trust and you want us to be friends???? On what is this friendship to be built on? I don't trust you, I barely like you as a person, we don't have that much in common any more, so a 'friendship' in the real sense of the word is not quite possible at least, not right now. Your problem, like I've always told you, is that you're a people pleaser and you want everyone to like you. That's not possible. My friendship or lack thereof doesn't affect the price of fish. I just want to live my life hoping that I've forgiven what I need to, forgotten what I need to and move on from it all and I need you to respect that and pretty much stop trying to make me feel bad that I won't be your little friend. If we are meant to be friends, we will be.
All things happen for a reason though and I thank God for the lesson I learnt through you. I have learnt NEVER to impose my will on God ever again. Through you, God showed me that my own preferences do more harm than good to me and that I should commit all my ways to him. I did learn from this experience. I learnt: that immaturity is not the same thing as being cute and I don't have to put up with it as I'm not your mommy, that looks are only skin deep, not to ever lean on my own understanding and trust in what people say, to guard my heart jealously and stop letting any and everyone into my personal space and not to ever settle for less than the best again in my entire life. I'm God's princess, I'm my father's princess why settle for a man who will not treat me like the queen that I am? It doesn't even bear thinking about. I've tried to re-assess the relationship to understand why I felt it was an ok relationship. The only answer I've come up with is : cos I really wanted it to be. I didn't want to believe that after a 5 year cooling off period, I ended up with the same person in a different skin and with a different name. But that's exactly what happened. I think it is a KC boy thing :D (I'm just playing o CE) I realised that I didn't miss you as a person I missed being a 'couple', I don't know if that makes sense. I just didn't want to fail at another relationship. I can't remember one deep conversation we had. That's why it was so easy to get over this relationship cos I realised it was only serious in my head.
I don't hate you and I need you stop telling people that. It is much worse than that.....I am indifferent to you. I don't like you, I don't dislike you, nothing. I really just don't feel anything for you at this point. Judas died for betraying Jesus even though he had to betray Him for the prophecies to come true. I'm indifferent to you cos even though I discovered new things about myself and people in general, for which I'm grateful, that's a fall out from the break up. But if there is any deep seated resentment that I'm not dealing with eg forgiveness etc, I pray God helps me through that.
Things can't be the way you hoped they will be tho. You claim that I'm cold and I don't want to make the effort. All I have to say to that is: Really??? I couldn't even make the effort if I tried. Plus we are no longer together and I SHOULDN'T have to make such efforts anymore and you can't imagine how liberating that is. As for being cold......again, Really??? Here I was thinking I was being as nice as possible. Oh well, c'est la vie. Some parts were fun whilst it lasted but man cannot live by fun alone. I'm in a great place now and I'm very excited about the direction my life is headed. So I wish you well and I pray God grants you direction.