Thursday, November 12, 2015

To Return Or Not To Return....That Is The Question

So you people know when you are watching a movie and the girl walks in on her fiancée sexing it up with another woman or they've just had an argument and she twists the beautiful rock off her finger an throws it at his chest *GBAM* spins on her heels and walks away? Ladies, do you sometimes catch yourself saying  "ode!!!" followed by a long hiss? My mental jury for returning the ring is often split...sometimes I am for it, sometimes I am against it.  But I found that a lot of Nigerian girls, in the unfortunate event of breaking an engagement, do not return the ring. Like A LOT of Naija women! Why is that?
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As you all know, I was engaged to be married last year and we called it off. But guys, I still have my ring.

Let me tell you a little something about my proposal.

Dude had gotten a ring. No tea, no shade...it was probably the worst ring I ever saw in the whole of my divine life (you may say the engagement was doomed from the start...which it pretty much was - but different story from this one) I hated the ring on sight! And after the flurry of the "yes, I will marry you" I didn't mince words in telling him he got me a shitty ass ring. You see, dude lived in Lagos. My sister and my cousin (two of the closest people to me) lived in Lagos with him during this period. Do you know that this guy went to buy me a ring without consulting any of the people that would know what I liked??? Excuse me if I sound ungrateful to have been proposed to, but the beauty or likeability of the ring is half of the merriment of being proposed to in the first place. 

Cherrywine, wasn't the ring a diamond ring? It sure was. Well then! What was the problem? I hear you ask. 

Well, it just wasn't my kind of ring. Let me try to paint a picture. It didn't fit my finger. I would have had my finger sliced off in Lagos traffic because you could pretty much see the ring from outer space. It was a bit gaudy. It would have been more at home on the fingers of a bleached, chubby woman that sold lace in Gutter. 

So I gave that ring back to him and told him to return it for a full refund. 

Side note guys intending to propose: I know a lot of you think you have great tastes. I know. Truth is, you probably don't. ALWAYS take a girl's close friend/sister/cousin/aunty/whatever with you when ring shopping. Chances are your girl has a not -so-secret pinterest page that has her preferred type(s) of rings, wedding dresses etc (I did) and has shown this to them or at the very least, has discussed what rings she'd like with them. It saves you a lot of stress about knowing whether or not you've gotten it right. You can sometimes get it right but to be honest, a faulty clock is right twice a day. Don't rely solely on your own tastes in these matters. You are welcome. 

Back to my story and the topic of this post.

So when he returned the ring, we went out to look for a ring I'd like TOGETHER (No sireeee bob, I wasn't taking any more chances) I found a pretty little ring and that was that. 

When the engagement was called off, it felt more like my ring than his, you know,  because I found it and all that. The expensive ring that was his, I had returned. The one I found was purchased for like a quarter of the cost of the first one. But it wasn't even about the cost at this juncture. It just felt more like my ring than his, at this point due to the aforementioned fact and other factors I can't really disclose. I feel like if it was the first ring, he MAY  have asked and insisted that I  return it, cos it was pricey. It's just a feeling I have. But long story short, I didn't return the ring. 

Some ladies just don't return the ring. It doesn't matter how expensive it is, who picked it out, family heirloom, whatever. I've heard of instances where the gentleman has to sue for the return of the ring! Yes people, ish be getting real in the world of broken engagements! 

So what are the etiquettes, if any, for keeping or returning the ring after an engagement is called off?

There is a rule of thumb that I know of which goes as follows: the one who initiates the break up forfeits the ring. 

An engagement ring is essentially a promise to marry. So whoever breaks the promise is expected to let go of the ring. 
So if you're the girl: you give it back and if you're the guy: don't ask for it back. 
Fair's fair, I think. 
But the one I don't agree with is if the break up is by mutual consent. The guy is STILL supposed to get the ring back. Maka why???? Mba o! Let's toss coins for it, my friend! Ring that I can use to exchange for gold earrings in Wuse Market, you just want to come and collect???? I refuse! I always wonder tho, of what use will this ring be to the guy? Will he recycle it for the next girl? Guys, is that what you'll do??? DON'T TRY IT O, if you want to live long. Or maybe he will also take it to Wuse Market and exchange it for earrings, who knows. 

I kept mine. I still have it. I kept it for the sentimental value. What the sentiment is though, I do not know. Shaaa sentiments. 

I guess what it bores down to in Nigeria is the value of the ring cum the demand for the ring. I shall explain.

The norm in purchasing engagement rings is that they should be worth at least three months salary. Your average middle class Nigerian earns upwards of N100,000.00 a month. So using the 100k mark, the ring is "expected" to be worth N300,000.00.  Let's be honest, not a lot of people are going to spend this much on a ring. Luckily, you can find rings for different price points.  Let's use a start off price of about 10% of the expected cost i.e. N30,000.00, . So the engagement ring costs dude 30k. He probably pays for it in cash or with a debit card. Most Nigerian men (at least the ones I know) would deem this sum sufficiently negligible and just never go through the trouble of being disrespected by asking for the ring back, in the event of a break up. Oh yes sir, it is very likely that you would be disrespected if you ask a girl for the ring back. I would put it at a 7 times out of 10 possibility. Iwosi yen sure pa!

Moving on.

In countries where there are case laws on returning the ring, these guys have spent mini fortunes on these rings, often times on credit and are still paying the debt. Imagine a guy that has spent $10,000 on a girl's ring on credit. Every time that credit card bill comes in the post, dude is reminded that he has an outstanding sum gathering dust in some chick's drawer. You best believe he will be asking for that ring back with da quickness, insult/disrespect be damned! When has it ever killed anybody???

We don't have that credit culture so it is easier to let go, in a way.There's also the "African factor" to consider. I know someone who vowed not to return the ring because she was afraid that the boy's mother would jazz her via the ring if she does so. It's funny, but it's a valid fear if you know the family is that way inclined. 

My point is Nigerian guys rarely ask for the ring back and Nigerian girls are loathe to part with the ring. They may hate the guy's guts, but they'll keep his ring. It's weird. 

Is it a trophy of some sorts? As a guy, would you demand your ring back from a girl after a break up? As a girl, if a guy asks for his ring back, would you box it up and send it to him or will you lie that it fell in a soakaway and never give it back? Guys, on the off chance that she returns the ring, what would you do with it? What are your thoughts on guys rarely asking for their rings back and girls rarely returning the rings?  Ultimately, to return or not to return?





28 comments:

  1. Return if I initiated the breakup. Must have good reasons. If he did, even with all his good reasons, I will sell the damn thing and use the cash for something else. I don't need memoirs from relationships gone sour. Thank you. Infact for this reason, le boo, if that marriage is not happening within the next 6 months or lemme be lenient, 9 months, don't gimme ya ring, before it will turn to promise ring. Let my fingers be bare for other men to see.

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    1. Lmao @ let my hands be bare for other men to see!!!!!!!!!!! Facts only sha! So your take is a conditional return is what works? He must forfeit the ring as penance. Thanks for reading and commenting.

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  2. I wouldn't ask for the ring back, but I can understand why someone dudes will ask for it back, especially if they felt like they were did dirty, and if it's the reverse the lady should hold on to the ring, unless she feels like returning it.
    I'm not the lawyer here, and my business law knowledge is rusty, but it kinda reminds me of a promise or invitation to treat. There should be some sorta precedence on this issue. Lol
    Bare in mind my experience in Man/Woman relationship is limited.

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    1. From the looks of things, the jury is split between a conditional return or an outright return regardless of the circumstances. It is quite interesting. Lol. There's a lot of precedent on returning the ring especially from the American legal system They seem to favour a conditional return based on the circumstances of the dissolution of engagement sha. Thanks for your comment!

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  3. If the ring was a family heirloom, i'd return it regardless. If i did something that caused the breakup (other than deciding to breakup because of something he did), i'd return it. Other than that...its mine. And will either sit and collect dust or find a new home at a local pawn shop lol.

    If he asked for it back, i'd probably use the opportunity to be petty and insult him like theres no tomorrow but i'd probably give it back though.

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    1. I'd return it too if it were a heirloom. I don't want to be harassed by anybody's forefathers. So you also favour a conditional return. I guess it's that innate need in humans to do the right thing. It's good to see that a lot of 'good and decent' folk read this blog. LMAAAAAOOOOO!!!!!! Petty Wapstress! Thanks for reading and commenting.

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  4. naaaa. not keeping no ring.... if you're gone, be gone with your ring.

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    1. Lmao! Like " keep it moving...you AND yo' ring"!!!! Hahahahaha!!!! The divide on this post is too real. You're wither for a conditional return or you are for a full on, chuck the deuces, "poof! pow! be gone!" return.Thanks for reading and commenting.

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  5. Girl!!!! I had even returned ring before I took a hike...amean, of wha use would it be to me? That is why I am advocating for an engagement ring that doesnt look traditional, that way, if need be, I will have an actual reason to consider keeping it, lol!
    Ultimately, do whatever your conscience allows you to do. If you wan keep, keep it, but own that decision. If you troway am, troway am, but own that decision...shikena!

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    1. Lol! See this armed robber! Customised ring!!!! I guess it just bores down to what you said: acting as you feel appropriate in that moment. It's easy to say I'd return or I'd keep without having been in the situation. It essentially comes down to acting as you feel and may the chips fall where they may. I know...a bit dramatic on top return ring matter. Lol. Thanks for reading and commenting.

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  6. The thing is you are looking at it from the cost angle.

    A ring is not just about the money or value. It is about what it represents. It is a symbol of promise of something for the future. Once that promise/commitment is off, why keep the ring? As for me, I think the ring should be returned irrespective of who broke the promise.

    I won't tell you...

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    1. I'm not really. I did say as much that it represented a promise to be married and that there is an established rule on returning the ring in the even of the promise going unfulfilled. I mentioned cost to try to understand why a lot of Nigerian men don't ask for the ring back. In deciding to keep my ring, it wasn't a factor of cost for me as the first ring was more valuable. It was a factor of sentiments. I see that you belong to the school of thought that it should be returned regardless as the purpose for which it was given is now moot. I respect your view. Thanks for reading and commenting.

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  7. I will return or dispose the ring regardless of who initiated the breakup.

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    1. Honestly, that's pretty big and decent of you. Not a lot of women would return the ring if the guy cheated and or did something to cause the demise of the relationship. It appears that holding on to the ring is a sort of punishment the man must suffer i.e. hit him where it hurts the most...in his bank account. Lol. Thanks for reading and commenting.

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  8. Okay if it's a family heirloom of cos i would return the ring...well well well long story short though...mine wasn't a family heirloom...he never asked for it and i never even thought about returning it...first off i didn't want to set my eyes on him...i was toooo hurt to be anywhere near him. I didn't return the ring but i didn't keep it either.

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  9. Mine wasn't either. Lol. I used to have a lot of opinions on whether or not I would give back the ring till it happened and I never bothered to call and offer it back to him. I just straight up kept it. IT'S MINE!!! Lol. I wasn't even that hurt. I just couldn't be bothered. If it was a heirloom, I'd have felt more of a burden to give it back. Matter of fact, it would have never really belonged to me. I don't do anything with the ring. I rarely see it. It's in a drawer. But I did keep it. Thanks for reading and commenting dear.

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  10. Sigh. I honestly don't know what I'd do. Every situation is different but I'm with returning family heirloom though

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  11. I think I'd return it or give it out. I don't have to set my eyes on him to return it, there's DHL and Fedex. And I think the guy is more likely to misplace it or give it out, save where it cost him a lot of money. I'm just not sure it's something I'd want to see lying around. Practically though, I do have a friend who did not return it even when the guy asked. She said it was hers and went to Wuse market to cash it.

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    1. Huh?!?! I am NOT incurring cost just to return ring. No. Nope. Nein. You don't have to see it na. You will have to actually want to see it, to see it. I know the general area where mine is but I don't see it on a daily basis. Like I've been saying, I believe the decision to keep often times stem from the nature of the break up. Most girls that were blind sided by the break up, cheated on or did wrong in some way, tend to keep the ring for revenge purposes. It's the most common reason to keep the ring. Ultimately, if it's worth anything, most will sell and buy something else. I don't fall in this divide tho. Lol. Thanks for commenting.

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  12. I never asked my ex-fiance to return hers but she did anyway. Actually drove to my house one Sunday afternoon. I was taking my usual after church nap when she suddenly walked into my room, dropped the ring (which she had placed back in its box) on my dresser and walked out. I almost thought I was dreaming sef. The ring has been collecting dust for over three years now. For some reason, I can't even bring myself to sell it and I definitely cannot reuse it when the time comes for me to settle down. So as far as I am concerned she should have just kept the damn thing. However, if it had cost me 10,000 dollars, I'd probably be singing a different tune so cost definitely played a part in my not asking for it to be returned.

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    1. It's really great to get a male perspective with the added benefit of experience. I have soooo many questions and I really hope you come back to this post to answer them. Were you already broken up before she returned the ring or was the return of the ring the break up itself? Did you do her greasy or vice versa? Was it mutual? Did you ask why she felt the need to return the ring? I'm glad to see that you proved my cost hypothesis! I think it plays quite a significant role in not asking for the ring back. And because the cost is negligible, I think a lot of guys would rather forfeit it than to be seen as acting petty. Thank you soooo much for reading and commenting.

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    2. We were already broken up. It had only been a few days though and to be honest, we might have been married today if she wasn't so hasty. Part of the reason I didn't want it back was that I was still confused and felt I might wake up the next day realizing I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. That kinda answers your next question too. I was the one who called off the engagement. I had my reasons (which I still think were valid) but being a more mature person today, I know I could have handled things better without necessarily having to break up with her. Unfortunately, I've learned from experience that no matter how valid the reasons are, the guy will always be the bad guy in that kind of breakup especially if he later tries to mend broken bridges (as in it will somehow be all his fault with no blame to be shared by the lady). I never asked but I'm guessing she needed to erase all reminders of me from her life cause she actually returned every single gift I had ever given her and those she couldn't return, she gave away (she even returned a sun dress my step-mom gave her with the tags still on it).

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  13. I would return it if I initiated the breakup or not, koko is that we have broken up and I don't need any memoirs or insult ontop what is not useful to me any more.

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    1. Lmao!Facts only! Thanks for reading and commenting

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  14. I did return a lousy ring several years ago, I didn't even think twice cos it was cheap ass ring. I felt insulted he gave such a cheap ring but then again he didn't know better. That dude defines aka aradite(tight fisted).

    First time here and I totally love this blog.

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    1. Lmaoooo @ aka gum. Thank you so much for reading and commenting!

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  15. I think how I would act depends on the emotions at the moment, who walked away or not, if it's a heirloom etc
    Pretty conditional.

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    1. The situation surrounding the breakup is pretty important and worthy of consideration in determining whether to return or not return the ring, if you ask e. Thanks for reading and commenting

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