To Return Or Not To Return....That Is The Question

So you people know when you are watching a movie and the girl walks in on her fiancée sexing it up with another woman or they've just had an argument and she twists the beautiful rock off her finger an throws it at his chest *GBAM* spins on her heels and walks away? Ladies, do you sometimes catch yourself saying  "ode!!!" followed by a long hiss? My mental jury for returning the ring is often split...sometimes I am for it, sometimes I am against it.  But I found that a lot of Nigerian girls, in the unfortunate event of breaking an engagement, do not return the ring. Like A LOT of Naija women! Why is that?

clip art

As you all know, I was engaged to be married last year and we called it off. But guys, I still have my ring.

Let me tell you a little something about my proposal.

Dude had gotten a ring. No tea, no shade...it was probably the worst ring I ever saw in the whole of my divine life (you may say the engagement was doomed from the start...which it pretty much was - but different story from this one) I hated the ring on sight! And after the flurry of the "yes, I will marry you" I didn't mince words in telling him he got me a shitty ass ring. You see, dude lived in Lagos. My sister and my cousin (two of the closest people to me) lived in Lagos with him during this period. Do you know that this guy went to buy me a ring without consulting any of the people that would know what I liked??? Excuse me if I sound ungrateful to have been proposed to, but the beauty or likeability of the ring is half of the merriment of being proposed to in the first place. 

Cherrywine, wasn't the ring a diamond ring? It sure was. Well then! What was the problem? I hear you ask. 

Well, it just wasn't my kind of ring. Let me try to paint a picture. It didn't fit my finger. I would have had my finger sliced off in Lagos traffic because you could pretty much see the ring from outer space. It was a bit gaudy. It would have been more at home on the fingers of a bleached, chubby woman that sold lace in Gutter. 

So I gave that ring back to him and told him to return it for a full refund. 

Side note guys intending to propose: I know a lot of you think you have great tastes. I know. Truth is, you probably don't. ALWAYS take a girl's close friend/sister/cousin/aunty/whatever with you when ring shopping. Chances are your girl has a not -so-secret pinterest page that has her preferred type(s) of rings, wedding dresses etc (I did) and has shown this to them or at the very least, has discussed what rings she'd like with them. It saves you a lot of stress about knowing whether or not you've gotten it right. You can sometimes get it right but to be honest, a faulty clock is right twice a day. Don't rely solely on your own tastes in these matters. You are welcome. 

Back to my story and the topic of this post.

So when he returned the ring, we went out to look for a ring I'd like TOGETHER (No sireeee bob, I wasn't taking any more chances) I found a pretty little ring and that was that. 

When the engagement was called off, it felt more like my ring than his, you know,  because I found it and all that. The expensive ring that was his, I had returned. The one I found was purchased for like a quarter of the cost of the first one. But it wasn't even about the cost at this juncture. It just felt more like my ring than his, at this point due to the aforementioned fact and other factors I can't really disclose. I feel like if it was the first ring, he MAY  have asked and insisted that I  return it, cos it was pricey. It's just a feeling I have. But long story short, I didn't return the ring. 

Some ladies just don't return the ring. It doesn't matter how expensive it is, who picked it out, family heirloom, whatever. I've heard of instances where the gentleman has to sue for the return of the ring! Yes people, ish be getting real in the world of broken engagements! 

So what are the etiquettes, if any, for keeping or returning the ring after an engagement is called off?

There is a rule of thumb that I know of which goes as follows: the one who initiates the break up forfeits the ring. 

An engagement ring is essentially a promise to marry. So whoever breaks the promise is expected to let go of the ring. 

So if you're the girl: you give it back and if you're the guy: don't ask for it back. 

Fair's fair, I think. 

But the one I don't agree with is if the break up is by mutual consent. The guy is STILL supposed to get the ring back. Maka why???? Mba o! Let's toss coins for it, my friend! Ring that I can use to exchange for gold earrings in Wuse Market, you just want to come and collect???? I refuse! I always wonder tho, of what use will this ring be to the guy? Will he recycle it for the next girl? Guys, is that what you'll do??? DON'T TRY IT O, if you want to live long. Or maybe he will also take it to Wuse Market and exchange it for earrings, who knows. 

I kept mine. I still have it. I kept it for the sentimental value. What the sentiment is though, I do not know. Shaaa sentiments. 

I guess what it bores down to in Nigeria is the value of the ring cum the demand for the ring. I shall explain.

The norm in purchasing engagement rings is that they should be worth at least three months salary. Your average middle class Nigerian earns upwards of N100,000.00 a month. So using the 100k mark, the ring is "expected" to be worth N300,000.00.  Let's be honest, not a lot of people are going to spend this much on a ring. Luckily, you can find rings for different price points.  Let's use a start off price of about 10% of the expected cost i.e. N30,000.00, . So the engagement ring costs dude 30k. He probably pays for it in cash or with a debit card. Most Nigerian men (at least the ones I know) would deem this sum sufficiently negligible and just never go through the trouble of being disrespected by asking for the ring back, in the event of a break up. Oh yes sir, it is very likely that you would be disrespected if you ask a girl for the ring back. I would put it at a 7 times out of 10 possibility. Iwosi yen sure pa!

Moving on.

In countries where there are case laws on returning the ring, these guys have spent mini fortunes on these rings, often times on credit and are still paying the debt. Imagine a guy that has spent $10,000 on a girl's ring on credit. Every time that credit card bill comes in the post, dude is reminded that he has an outstanding sum gathering dust in some chick's drawer. You best believe he will be asking for that ring back with da quickness, insult/disrespect be damned! When has it ever killed anybody???

We don't have that credit culture so it is easier to let go, in a way.There's also the "African factor" to consider. I know someone who vowed not to return the ring because she was afraid that the boy's mother would jazz her via the ring if she does so. It's funny, but it's a valid fear if you know the family is that way inclined. 

My point is Nigerian guys rarely ask for the ring back and Nigerian girls are loathe to part with the ring. They may hate the guy's guts, but they'll keep his ring. It's weird. 

Is it a trophy of some sorts? As a guy, would you demand your ring back from a girl after a break up? As a girl, if a guy asks for his ring back, would you box it up and send it to him or will you lie that it fell in a soakaway and never give it back? Guys, on the off chance that she returns the ring, what would you do with it? What are your thoughts on guys rarely asking for their rings back and girls rarely returning the rings?  Ultimately, to return or not to return?