Friday, February 21, 2014

D.I.Y. v. A boy for every season - A short story

I sit on my bed feeling very despondent. I am having terrible withdrawal syndrome and the cure for my discomfort lie in my phones which have been confiscated by Tumi, my room mate. No, I am not dying to ping or tweet or whatever rubbish people do for fun, I am dying to get hold of my guys.

Why am I going into withdrawal because of guys? It is not what you think. I am on a one month D.I.Y. challenge.

It all started innocently enough.

 It was a Friday night and I was having dinner with the girls at Golden Tulip, our favourite restaurant. I sauntered in 50 minutes late.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry" I called out, huffing as I sat down.  Tumi and Mel eyed me all over and didn't say a word. "It was Seyi's fault" I continued. "He didn't get to the house on time and then he got there and said my dress looked funny and I had to look for what to wear and... "

"Ralia" Mel cut me off impatiently "why didn't you just drive? Why were you waiting on Seyi?"

"Why drive when Seyi could come  get me?" I responded, laughing.

"You know I am on call tonight and I don't have the luxury of hanging around, waiting to eat because you were too lazy to drive" Mel said, annoyed.

"Correction" I replied " I was not too lazy to drive, I sought a ride, was offered one and I accepted"

"Ok" Tumi cut in "how do you intend to get back home? Mel is going to the hospital and I am spending the night at Luke's"

"Simple...Seyi would come back to get me" I responded, wondering why we were having this dull conversation when they already knew the answers.

" you EVER do anything yourself?" Tumi asked "In all the time I've known you, you've always had a bunch of hapless guys at your beck and call buying you things, taking you places, putting money in your account, paying your rent, whatever."

"Tumi, I do plenty for myself. But if people offer me awoof things, why should I turn them down? It is the height of impoliteness and I wasn't raised that way. These guys are all my friends and it would hurt their feelings if I said no".

"So how were you raised? To be a beggar"? Tumi reponded

"How dare you?? I am not a beggar!" I sputtered, incredulous "Are you crazy? What the fu..."

"Ok, you do plenty yourself abi?" Mel interjected "let's test the theory....I like your weave. who bought it?

"Jare did" I responded belligerently "so?"

"I like your shoes, where did you get them?" she asked again, ignoring my question

"Tobi bought them for me at Grey Velvet" a little less belligerently

"And your dress?"

"It was part of Andy's new stock" My voice was like an octave lower

"Your earrings?"

"Also from Andy's store" Two octaves lower

"The bag you are rocking?"

"I saw them online and Nnamdi offered to pay" Fifty octaves lower

"Your underwear?"

"Niyi gave me when we visited his mum's store last week" a very hushed tone

"The petrol in your gen?"

"Jamiu delivered petrol last week " a whisper

"The money in your purse?"

"Seyi gave me 'vex money'" a barely audible whisper

"what exactly do you then do for yourself?" Mel finished with flourish

I mean, listing out individual items like that made me look bad...granted. But I wasn't dependent on guys for everything I own. And I was going to prove it to these nay sayers.

"You guys are not being fair and to prove you wrong, I am going to go a week without speaking to any of these guys and you will see that I am able to survive on my own"

"A month and I am seizing your phones, you have to go cold turkey" Tumi countered

"But what if I have an emergency? I can't be without my phone" I cried almost wide-eyed with fear

Tumi took out her secondary phone, programmed her and Mel's number in it and handed it over to me "here's your substitute phone for the period. I trust you know your mother and siblings' numbers by heart abi?"

I nodded slowly while it dawned on me that I was about to be cut off from all assistance. But then I rallied, handed over my phones. I mean it was only for a month. How hard could it be?


  1. Funny post

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