Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Jingle Rich Binshes!!

Merry Christmas folks! I am so excited for Christmas, although I'm not sure why. My uncertainty stems from a number of factors:

  1. I am in Abuja. What Abuja has going on as Christmas fan fare is an embarrassment to streamers everywhere! Abuja is where the Christmas spirit comes to commit suicide after it has viciously raped itself!!! When I drive past those measly streamers tied to one or two trees in town, I envision that those are the streamers banned from Christmas town who have subsequently hung themselves. I'm guessing you get the picture? If you don't, well Abuja is a miserable Christmas town, is the long and short of it.
  2. I come from a typical Nigerian family living in Nigeria. None of that imported gift giving isht!!! We just started giving birthday presents religiously in the last six or so years. The free electricity, water, room and board that we enjoy is present enough, I guess my parents reckon. The best that can happen is my father showing us some financial largess or both of them being sweet and giving you random things during the period, not Christmas day specifically, and there are no labels attached to the things. They are just stuff and the same way you may get random stuff in March is the same way you could get them in December. Nothing is certain in life except death and taxes.
Yeah, so nothing pretty exciting about Christmas. But there is something special about the season. Time with family, riffling through hampers and commandeering hamper items...ah...I LOVE EET!

Anyway, today's post is not about my nondescript Christmas expectations. I just realised that wealthy people don't have our problems. Most people have a Christmas wishlist of iphone air, macbook whatever, red bottoms etc. Wealthy people don't just want an iphone air, they want one that has been dipped in pure gold and sprinkled with pink star diamonds for it to be remotely desirable. 

As it 'tis the season to be jolly and gift giving plays a major role in being jolly, here are some of the world's most expensive but sometimes extremely random Christmas gifts ideas for you to salivate over, furrow your brows over and say "awon olowo yi o ni ironu", make the focal points of your prayer requests or whatever. 

Thank me later. 
I accept any of the gifts on the list...or any gift at all...in fact, I accept all major credit/debit cards, bank draft, bankers cheque, cheque, cash of any denomination or currency...yes, I am doing beggy-beggy for Christmas present. In the infamous words of the many times bankrupt T-Boz, the alleged ho Chilli and the deceased Left Eye, I ain't too proud to beg.  

So, feast your eyes:

image courtesy pursuitist.com

Yes folks, this 200 ml bottle of Olive Oil and accompanying case can be yours all for the princely sum of $1,200. It contains flecks of 24 carat pure gold. Now that is a rich meal!! As we normally use olive oil to cast out demons and heal a myriad of ailments on this side of the world, I'm guessing we would be sticking to our Goya brand, non? But for those of you that have the boug-swag, this golden olive oil is available for purchase at Harrods. 


Image courtesy govacuum.com 
This 24k gold vacuum cleaner comes in at £625,000.00. It is described as 'making your carpet feel like a million dollars'. Well for that sort of money, it BETTER  shit out a million dollars every time I put it on! Dayyyuuummm, rich folks!!!! This beggars two questions: How much is the house you are using this to clean and who is the pollyanna heifer who wants this for Christmas? I hear the spirit of my ancestors saying "Cherry!!! lo mu igbale wa ko wa gba ibi yi" (Cherry!! go and bring the raffia broom and sweep this place) Anyway, don't let my owu-cious ramblings put you off. You can have the vacuum bag customised with your fav fabric. Now, THAT makes the expenditure more worthwhile!







image courtesy dailymailuk.com
Oh yes people, you are seeing right. It is indeed a pencil! This lovely pencil is made of alder wood . It is called the Perfect Pencil and comes with a sharpener, eraser and silver plated lid. This all comes in at £404.00. Uh uh, that is the price of all the HB pencils in all the mallam stands in Nigeria!. These folks be tripping! Pencil!!! You will now sharpen it and it will be reducing? For £404.00 it better have found the secret to remaining as is when sharpened. Oshi!




This one is for the kiddies. This is a toy Blanc Ch√Ęteau 1936 BMW that costs £12,537.00. A steal...really.  If you are looking for a toy car for the kids, buy them a Kia Picanto. There will be enough change to hire a chauffeur to drive them to GET arena and you still have enough to plan a trip to Zanzibar! Just saying.


image courtesy mr-kennedy.com
This is one of the wackier ones. This, my friends, is a pair of shoelaces. Now, why are shoelaces considered as gift ideas for Christmas, I hear you ask. Well, only 10 of these bad boy gold laces would be made and they are an absolute steal at $19,000.00. I have a premonition that my shoes would climb up a wall of their own volition and brain me into a comma should I attempt to lace them with these.





image courtesy most-expensive.com
Hey Ladies!!!!!This one goes out to you sophisticated mamas. Merely looking at these, I'm sure you are like Loub who?? And that's right! We are moving on up. Red bottoms-smelly bottoms, Christopher Michael Shellis is where it is at. These babies, described as 'jewellery for her feet'  are made of solid gold and studded with 2,200 pure cut diamonds worth up to 30 carat. You're blinging, mama!! I just have no words as I have seen the price. Ready folks? £140,000.00...in the immortal words of the L'Oreal advert, just because you're worth it.


image courtesy most-expensive.com
Do my eyes deceive me? Is this a shaving stick?? Why, yes it is. People, this is what Iron Man would look like were he to be a shaving stick!!! Iridium handle, artificial sapphire instead of stainless steel blades and medical grade stainless steel cartridges. There are only 99 of these made. This bad boy Zafirro Razor promises the closest shave known to man...but didn't Gillette promise y'all that already?...and it is 1/10,000th the width of hair. The cost of this American-Wonder, you ask? A mere $100,000.00.If you ask me, if this will cure some broses out there of those nasty shave bumps, I suggest they sell their kidneys and cop themselves one of it. For that amount, it MUST  come with The Cure.


image courtesy most-expensive.com

image courtesy most-expensive.com













Feeling like a holiday get away? Well, these are the two options I have found for you in more than luxury living. I've always wanted to use the word 'luxuriant' but nothing in my life has warranted the use up to this point. Whether it is appropriate or nay, I feel the word to be used here is 'LUXURIANT'. Yes, chile! 
The thing that looks like a Jetson's warship is a 'Gigayatch' called Eclipse and owned by the uber-riche Roman Abramovich. In his magnanimity, Roman (cos we are on first name basis) is renting this lil' doozie out for a paltry $2M a week. That is what you call a million dollar experience.
 If the sea and all its attendant issues is not your cup of tea, Why don't you opt for bachelor number 2? The Dream Folly Tent. It offers its weight in LUXURIANT; a bespoke chandelier and all the trappings and trimmings of the luxuriant life. It is 18ft in diameter. So my advice? Halt your mass exodus to the villa and pitch a lovely tent in your backyard for $75,000.00. All the money you would spend in the village would go towards living la vida locos in your garden. PLUS (and it is a big plus) Neiman Marcus, the kind hearted capitalists that brought us this LUXURIANT item, would donate $5,000.00 to the Breast Cancer Foundation. 'Tis truly the season to be jolly...tra la la lala lalalala!!!

That's how the other side is living...and living it up this Christmas, folks. How you livin'?What are some of your plans?


12 comments:

  1. Honestly, awon olowo yi o n'ironu o. Iranu. Now, if your spirit is pushing you to gift me with one of these, I'd say concede please. You know it'd be sort of rude to argue with the Holy spirit :)
    Merry xmas Cherry *xmas kisses*

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  2. LMAOOOO....cherry koko went haaaaarddddd!!!!
    U are just a HATURRR to be honest!
    I dont expect that you'ld know the importance of a 24K gold vacuum cleaner...it cleans my persian rug exellently, my maid swears by it!

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  3. Hmmn... this is what I call too much money! When it's not as if I'm high- Gold vaccum cleaner? issokay! Meanwhile cherry, you called my car(kia picanto) a toy! Ko da o! Lol.

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  4. Okay in my boring Etihad mall, people are looking at me like..okay this girl has mental problems. Cos I'm holding my sides laughing my butt off. Mi o ma le rerin o...buahahhahahahahahahahah.....awon olowo o ni Ronu truly but I won't mind people saying that to me o hian. who no like money. Anyways, just incase someone out there wants to buy such for me, biko na God I take beg you, just gv mi d money make I build resort for my village. Biko na beg I dey beg. Thank you ferry mush. Preziate it.goodbye

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  5. "If you are looking for a toy car for the kids, buy them a Kia Picanto..." Buahahahahaha! This was too funny biko, too much money and so little sense for anyone that actually buys anything on this list, especially the gold shoe laces sef!

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  6. Um...i would like those shoes tho. i mean, if anyone is already heading to the store or anything. #jussayin

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  7. Lol at igbale, well my dear some people just don't know how to spend. Especially the pencil. As in really? That much for that tiny thing? And oh the razor, that's ridiculous.
    You are something else Cherrywine lol. Merry Christmas Missy! :-)

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  8. Right now, I'm in a very uptight conference. This post made me almost betray my unseriousness. It really pained me that I couldn't laff out loud.

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  9. My mum told me that growing up they used to call Rich people who didn't know what to do with their money "money-miss-road". I wonder what to call the people who indulge in these?
    Cherrywine you are something else entirely. Thanks for sharing!

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  10. LOL!! This post is hilarious! The gifts + Cherrywine's take on it hahaha.. Thanks hun xx

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  11. Loving the new look of your blog...

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  12. You had me in stitches!
    Simply love your humour!
    Somethings are just simply unbelievable!

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