Living Single IV

image courtesy Google.com

The best part of our relationship lasted for a year before it took a turn for the ugly.

The nose dive began with Wande hinting that she wanted to move in with me. Now, I have been sneaking about behind my wife's back and sharing my matrimonail penis and worldly wealth with Wande in direct opposition to my vows, but I felt some things were not even on the table for discussion.

One fateful Saturday, I rushed to Wande's apartment in Yaba in a blind panic after she called me, wailing on the phone about 'missing her period'. Guys, you know this is not the story you want to hear from a babe you are not married to except you are a Yoruba chief in one ill-conceived African Magic Yoruba movie. I rushed in and saw her sitting prayer style on her couch, tissue in hand.

"Wande, how did this happen?"  I asked, realising the stupidity of my question once it was out of my mouth.

"How the bloody hell do you think, Tade?"she retorted looking at me like I had tracked shit into her apartment.

"Well" she continued "it appears as though you need some basic 'the birds and the bees' lesson...you see...you put your boy part into my girl part, or if you prefer, your pencil in my sharpen.."

"Stop being silly" I said, cutting her off. At this point, I was pacing the length and breadth of her flat. My son was barely 2. I come from a very respectable family and both my parents were elders in the church. Having a baby mama was certainly not a good look. I knew what we had to do, but I didn't want to propose that option yet, so I don't look inconsiderate.

"What are we going to do?" I asked her.

"I am not aborting again. I promised myself after the last one that there would be no more" she mused.

Again??? Last one???

"How many abortions have you had, Wande"

"3"she replied

"What? How many dudes are you smashing raw??" I asked getting irrationally angry and attempting to chalk this current pregnancy down to her 'impure ways'.

"Abeg...are you hinting I'm a hoe or something?"she asked incredulously "You didn't think to ask about my sexual history before smashing me raw too like the other dudes" she let out a long hiss.

I knew I wasn't going to win with this conversation. Luckily I was saved by the bell. My phone rang and it was Motun. I said to her, "I have to get this, it is my wife".

This set her off even more. "Your precious wife. O je so fun pe o ti daran. (you better tell her you are in trouble). So I should keep quiet now because your saintly wife is on the phone. Rubbish!".

"Waande, you know the deal..." I started. She immediately cut me off  "Well Tade the deal is off. I am having this baby and moving in with you. I don't care how you want to do it".

"You have got to be crazy. There is no way in hell you are moving in with me. You knew the situation before we started this and there is no way we are changing the game plan at this point. Please be reasonable" I implored.

"Emi? Crazy? O da beni pe iwo bobo yi ti ya were" (Me? Crazy? It appears as though you are mad) she retorted belligerently. "How dare you come in here and flaunt your wife in my face and turn around and talk about being reasonable? It is my way or the highway and if you choose to go against me, you will live to regret it in this Lagos". She finished and flounced off.

Ladies and gentlemen, it was official... my side chick had turned to a mental patient!

I left her house and went to meet up with my boys. I relayed all that had taken place to them and they advised me to call her bluff, stating that first off, there was nothing she could do and secondly, if I completely ignore her she would miss me and as a result, toe the line. They stressed the importance of laying down the law and teaching her a lesson. It wasn't just for my benefit but was important for the male gender. As Kayode put it "where do these hoes get off thinking they can hold us by the balls? She dey craze!!!"

Buoyed by the guy talk, I decided to call Wande's bluff. Mehn, I was cold...no calls, no pings, no dms, no nothing. I went HAM on her demanding ass. The more I thought about her demands, the angrier I got. The angrier I got, the more determined I was to freeze her out to submission.

Contrary to being frezon out to submission, Wande's bbms took on a more threatening tone. Things like "you think you can ignore me? I will assist you in ignoring me. Dead men don't ping"and "I am calling you in ten minutes, don't pick up and I am calling your wife" What happened to the contrition I was expecting. This was getting out of hand.
After about a month, I got one bbm from her that said "is this how you want to play it, well, two can play this game". I wondered what she meant but decided to keep going with my plan. She didn't ping me again after that. A week later, I had just exited my bank in Alausa when three rough looking men ran up to me, knocked me down and began to give me the beating of my life. Comments such as "na you no wan collect mama pikin abi?" "you know how to 'do'but you no wan collect pikin, na for here you go die!" were flying about while people gathered around watching the spectacle. The beating went on for a long while before a gun shot was fired in the air by the 'efficient' Nigerian Police Force. I was grateful for their intervention but it could have been timelier. I managed to scrape myself off the floor and drive to the nearest hospital.

I couldn't believe Wande had made an attempt on my life. This had gotten real. I couldn't be more grateful that my family did not live in the country at that time. This heifer could have had my son kidnapped. I called her phone and she picked up and lazily said "look who knows how to use a phone." I was so mad at her nonchalant tone I sputtered into the phone "You bitch!!!! I cannot believe you hired thugs to beat me up. Is this  some African Magic Yoruba shit? Is this supposed to make me want to live with you after you just displayed that you are mentally imbalanced? This is the end, Wande, it is over!"

She cackled like the witch that she was "Over? There is nothing that is over until I am ready for it to be over and I am not at all ready. That was just a sample. I will deal with you if you continue to be stubborn." I just hung up on her. I immediately called Kayode, told him all that had happened, waved off his offer to have her picked up and detained. I hated her but didn't want her in police custody in her present state. I just asked for his police escort hook up. This was not happening to me a second time if I could help it.  And so it was I became one of those random guys with police escorts. It was ridiculous but I had no choice. I felt like I had covered all my bases. Escort to protect my life....check. Family out of harm's way....check.

Two months down the line, I received a rude awakening.

"Hello" I said reaching out for my phone groggily. It was 3 a.m. in the morning, Nigerian time. Motun would usually call before she went to bed to say goodnight and for us to pray for my day and their protection while they slept.

"Who...the...hell...is...Wande...Olorede" her tone was clipped. I  immediately sprang up, all traces of sleep disappeared.

"Honey..what?"I replied lamely.

"Babatade, don't make me repeat the question. Just answer it and answer it honestly". she replied. I did not know my warm and loving wife had this cold setting in her system. She was so cold that chills spread across my entire system.I knew my goose was well and truly cooked.

"Honey, I don't understand. Did something happen? What is the name you mentioned?"I was buying time, but I wasn't sure what for.

"Babatade, you are stalling" she said "Me asking was dumb. I know who she is, what I want to know is how she got hold of my address. A package containing pictures of you and her as well as videos was DHLed to my house this morning. You are a disgusting creature!"

"Baby..."I tried to interject.

"Do not cut me off. In our matrimonial home??????? On our bed???????? What was the one thing I asked you NEVER to do in this marriage or I walk? I told you to never betray my trust, did I not?  This is the bitch you were willing to loose it all for? You got her pregnant??? So now you have ghetto twins" she laughed sardonically. "You were careless enough to fuck this bitch and not use a condom. What the fuck is wrong with you?????  You clearly have no respect for me . I went and got tested as soon as I got the package. Just my luck that you have transferred her chlamydia to me. Thank you for that." she yelled

"Baby, I am sorry. It was the devil" I always wondered what type of situation would make a person use that dumb line. I guess I found it.

"The devil? Good one. Very original. Now, I have seen the type of man you are. I can't see you being any sort of role model to my son, so I do not want to see you, smell you or hear from you. Leave us alone and go to your whore"

"Motun, he is my son t..."she slammed the phone on me and must have put it off the hook because I couldn't reach her back on the landline and her mobile phone was switched off.

It is now 8:45 a.m. I am staring unseeingly at my office wall. I cannot believe this has happened to me. How did I end up here???? Why did I end up here??? I mused as I raged against myself tears streaking down the corners of my eyes.

‘Sir, Miss Olorede is on the phone for you’ my secretary’s voice came over the intercom. I didn't bother acknowledging the information, so deep in thought was I. She buzzed twice and figured out I wasn't interested in responding. Smart woman.

 She has ruined my marriage so what more did she want? I have become the man that infects his wife with  sexually transmitted diseases. Thank God it wasn't more serious than chlamydia. I felt so disgusted with myself, I wanted to rip off my own skin so I didn't have to live in it anymore. All this for pussy? Was it worth it in the end? Did Motun mean what she said about removing me from hers and my child's lives or was she just hurt? Could I live with that? This is the family of my youth. I would do whatever it took to remedy the only problem was I didn't know what to do. I was pondering what to do as I reached for my phone
 "hello"came the husky voice on the other end
"Agent, one ticket to Montreal please"I said.
 It wasn't much, but it was a start.