So the following is a true life story. When you read it, you may think I’m lying but like a wise man once said, all I have are my balls (metaphorical lady ones in this instance) and my word and I don’t break them for nobody(or words to that effect). Therefore, I give you my word that this short story I’m about to tell you is 100% for real...for real.
A mutual friend of my cousin and I recounted a bizarre incident that happened to him. It started as a classic boy meets girl over the phone story...you know, boy meets girl over the phone, boy talks to girl for a while. Girl displays no hint of the psycho that lurks beneath. Boy and girl agree to meet up to put their respective faces to their respective names. Girl invites boy to her house. Boy goes over there. Girl notices that boy has neat finger nails and was intrigued and asked to see boy’s feet (you know, as you do.....NOT!) Girl sees that boy has the same neat nails on his toes as boy obliges her foot fetish and reveals feet. Girl decides the best thing to do for boy on the first date was to give boy a freaking pedicure!!!! Boy is stricken to the marrow and girl seizes opportunity to quickly chook his feet in some water. Pedicure ensues. Whilst giving boy pedicure, girl looks up, bats her eyelashes and says (and I kid you not):
“So....what are your long term goals?”
This is a freaking real life story. I have said it many times before that girls are going postal on this doing-anything-to-bag-a-man kick. Needless to say, boy in that story, very grateful to have his feet back, free from the molesting touch of girl, uses them to run to a galaxy far, far away where her calls will remain missed and her pings will get lost in cyberspace.
This girl is a danger to herself! Giving pedicures on first dates and quoting lines from a movie/book???!!! What next? She’s making us look bad!! Somebody get this girl a man with a penchant for pedicures and weird questions. I’m sure there are others out there like you,sweetie. Now, get your ass on the short bus!! But seriously though, way to make an effort. But as with everything else in life, less is always more. She could have eased him into her creepy fetish by commenting on his neat FINGERS, and biding her time till the 8th date before going full pedi-psycho on his ass. Maybe he would have seen some redeeming qualities between dates 1 to 8 that may not make dropping the pedi-bomb so bad after all. But alas, home girl was armed with a movie quote and was ready to dive, hands first, in the soapy water.
So I have decided to run a review series on the movie ‘Think Like a Man’ and the book that was its progenitor ‘Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man’ This movie is beginning to constitute a nuisance on the dating scene. Whilst EVERYTHING is wrong with the story I just related to you, the most disturbing is the direct quote from the book/movie. So that this nonsense does not repeat itself, I have volunteered my services as a ‘Think like a man’ expert.
What makes me an expert in this field?
Well *adjusts glasses and makes self more comfortable on couch* I own the book, I have seen the movie about 100 times; once in the cinema, numerous times on a cinema recorded piracy version and more recently, numerous times on a clear utorrent piracy version. I even had it on my phone. I love it not from a relationship bible stand point but from a cheesy,feel-good movie stand point.It is my favourite movie of 2012 and I can quote most of the lines from the movie. If I were to go on Mastermind, it would be my expert subject (or ‘Baby Boy’...love that movie too) I have therefore decided to do a review on my expert subject: Think Like a Man.
I will review the couples in the movie and what made them work from my perspective and how the questions posed by the book can be given a more 'Naijacentric'translation.
Coming up next time, is the Zeke and Mya analysis. I have it sort of typed it up but it will make this a long ass post and I don’t want to lose you guys cos this madness has got to stop so I need you to focus! So, yeah, till next time then. Try not to do anything silly like homegirl up top till we’ve had the chance to talk, ok? Sweet!