First Dates

It's been a while since I posted stuff about myself on this blog. So give me a huge welcome back.The title of this post was going to be 'A Fate Worse Than Death' but I just thought I should let it do what it says on the tin; figuratively speaking. From my proposed title, you can deduce that there is no love lost between first dates and myself. I absolutely hate first dates. They are the pits. Perhaps I should explain properly why there is no love, trust, like lost between myself and first dates.
Not too long ago, I went on a first date.

Scratch that, let me start from the very beginning. I was at a party being hosted by friends from the Law School. When I'm among friends I am extremely chatty, often times witty and charming. (I barely drink...a flute of champagne is all that I can ever manage when I go out so I know I'm never drunk and thus I'm not making my charm up in my head.)
The conversational beast in me is let loose and I'm cracking jokes, flitting from place to place, eyes twinkling, mouth moving at the speed of light. I'm great! That's the best time to meet me because other times I am very quiet and I mean mug people that try to talk to me. (I hate being bothered) So I met this guy whilst I was busy being charming. We exchange numbers and promises to call each other. He called and suggested doing lunch. I agreed. I had forgotten that charm-mode had been switched off mentally. We meet up for lunch and then....

crickets!

Bloody crickets' chirping filled the space our conversation should have filled. Turns out he's pretty quiet and I was having an allergic reaction to....well....speaking! I was mortified. I remember asking a few stilted questions about football and the likes but that was basically the bulk of it. Imagine that???!!! I resorted to cheesy, textbook chat up lines like a sleazy old man! I feel so dirrrty! And the bros did not even try at all. Shey me I was sounding like a sugar daddy in my own ears. He was acting like a shy hooker I was pricing!!! He would look at me, thenlookawayveryquickly. Yes, I know there are no space between those words. That's how quickly he looked away. I was at a loss as to what to do. It has never fallen on me to try this hard. I'm usually monotonous molly but he was worse than I was.

I remember hearing the sound of EVERY single crunch, chew and sip we took at that lunch table. It was horrible. I was willing my booming laughter, twinkling eyes and motor mouth to return but my brain had shut up shop, packed a tiny bag and was now in Turks and Caicos in beach shorts having the time of its life. We couldn't get out of that restaurant fast enough! In a tangle of legs and goodbyes, I made my way out on the street, took a deep breath, rushed into my car and...the floodgates of witty things I could have said burst open. Look who came back from Turks and Caicos!

This is a typical example of how things go on most of my first dates. First dates are meant to be flirty and fun but they are hard work for me. I'm more of a third or fourth date kinda girl when we have gone past all the awkwardness and I am already telling you a dirty joke I heard! It makes my life a lot more easier if I can find a common ground with the person I'm on a date with. My area of expertise? Usually KC boys (all you Floral or whatever douches, relax and don't get swollen-headed) I know a decent number of KC boys from like 2 sets above me and 2 sets below. So it is always fun to play the 'Do you know such and such?' game. It is a fantastic ice breaker (this could be why most of the guys I've talked to in the last couple of years are KC boys....hmmmm...a breakthrough all by myself ....and without a shrink too!) In addition to the obscene amount of KC boys I am acquainted with, I know a respectable number of people so the game gets played once I find out your university, secondary school, primary school, church, address etc. But what was sad about the date I described above was that there was absolutely no common ground. I had never met anyone from his secondary school,  barely knew anyone from his university etc. The only common ground we had was a tenuous one: an older brother that had gone to my former Uni who I wasn't really friends with. The conversation pretty much dried up after that.

Clearly, I need a dummy's guide to first dates or any other book that teaches conversation, muscle memory, wittiness on a 1st date. I don't know if it is that I'm always nervous but I find myself being painfully aware of EVERYTHING I do. Things I would normally do without a second thought  eg. sipping water, becomes a huge to-do. Before I reach for the cup, every step I will make is anticipated and analysed the sad thing is with all the planning, I end up spilling the water on myself. I'm that dorky girl that goes to cut a a piece of chicken and ends up with the entire thing in my lap. P:S; if you see me out and about with chicken in my laps, two things 1. I don't like chicken and 2. I'm on a first date. Don't laugh at me. We all have our challenges/phobias. One of mine is the first date and I've still not figured out how to counter it. My only saving grace is that I'm cute so guys don't usually hold it against me and always want to go on a second date  and then, the witty me comes shining through.

If you have any tips on how I can overcome my first date shyness, please hit me up.