Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Are you auditioning?

Yup, she’s baaaaaaaack! 30 days challenge…… done and done! Let’s get back to being 100.
So is he auditioning? Is she auditioning? “Auditioning for what???” I hear you ask in confusion. Well, auditioning to be your boo of course. Don’t be alarmed by the concept. In relationships, we like to call a spade a garden implement, instead of what it really is...a spade. We try not to use certain words cos they are not cutesy enough for us and they help to portray people in a better light.
Here are some examples of the ‘garden implement theory’ phrases; Instead of saying a girl is a bitch, you say she’s playing hard to get. Instead of saying a boy is a standard bastard, you say ‘oh, I love bad boys’ instead of saying people are living in sin, you say they are co-habiting or they are live in lovers, instead of saying ‘get the hell away from me… I do not like you’, you say you are fronting. Very cutesy. In the same vein, instead of saying you are auditioning for the role of girl/boyfriend, you say you are asking someone out. Well the plain truth, booboo, is that your ass is auditioning!

There is nothing wrong with auditions. Movie stars (Nollywood, being the very obvious exception. I won’t go off on a tangent on this but…) audition for roles. That’s how the movie industry does quality control and guarantees that you are getting the best person to bring that role to life. So, in your relationship, you need to do some form of quality control and ensure the right person gets the role of your significant other.
We all go through the auditions, without even knowing we are going through it. Guys lock in on women they like and if they REALLY like the woman, they want to prove themselves. A guy that really likes you wants you to know he’s the best man you can ever be with. I’ve watched my male friends work and bending over backwards is an understatement. They will tie themselves into a pretzel knot to show you how great, how fun, how spontaneous, how loving, how giving, how lavish they are. And you that you know the boy personally, you’re saying to yourself, so there’s a human being hidden in the depths of his black heart after all. It is not because the guy is the greatest guy ever, it is because he is showing you the person he believes you want and wants you to believe he is.
Women are not exempt from auditions. Generally, women don’t do the asking out so that’s not where we audition. When you have this great guy turning up and doing amazing feats, almost turning water to wine for you, you sef will want to comport yourself in a befitting manner. Girls can audition!!!! Chineke! That’s when you remember that someone told you that you should never enter a car one leg first, that you should sit with your legs outside and swing both legs in. that’s when you become the epitome of manners and great poise. I’m not calling anyone out, but it is funny to see a girl that can shout ‘Oloshi!!!’ with the best of the conductors and garage touts, become this refined lady of an English manor when the time comes to sink her hooks into some unsuspecting and susceptible man. I love it. I love the way both parties run game on each other. It makes the chase fun.
What I have a problem with is those that continue sending representatives of themselves throughout the dating period. I think those people are very dangerous. Whilst auditioning is perfectly acceptable, at some point, you must stop being this ultra-you and just be you. I’ve heard stories of people finding out who their partners really are when they’ve gotten married and it is already too late.
There really is nothing you can do to detect a person who is auditioning for that ring short of hooking them up to a lie detector. So this is an appeal to those people who are over-auditioning, the real you can’t be that bad. It is time to let him/her shine through so that you are not accused of trapping somebody.

I don’t have a formula for finding people out but I think some simple things should give them away. If you’ve been dating a girl for 3 years and she’s never farted in your presence, runnnnnnn like hell cos chances are na her fart go smell pass for this life. If a girl tells you she can cook and you’ve never seen her do it but food miraculously arrives at the table, that heifer is either ordering in or she’s an ogbanje. We all need to slip up from time to time but if someone is PERFECT; I’m not talking about a perfect imperfection, just perfect-perfect, I would suspect that person because no one is perfect. We all have that dark, twisted side to us, it is the very nature of the beast and when a person accepts both what makes you perfect and what makes you imperfect is when it is said that the person is ‘in love with YOU’.
So, by all means audition, it is necessary for the relationship dance that we all do. But it is necessary to know when to strike a balance between what makes you real and what is a perfection parody because the truth is, you can’t keep a lie up for very long and when you are unable to keep it up = break up/divorce.


  1. Sisteee, I agree with you HO HA! I have auditioned in the past and been auditioned for. Now in the reality phase. No one is truly perfect

  2. I love this post Cherry! I have auditioned in the past but i think with age, you tire of it. Nowadays its 'This is me, infact this is horrible me, love me or leave me'. Those that stay get to see the 'nice me'. I call it reverse psychology :p.
    I think people that end up with partners who put up a fake persona throughout the dating period didn't try hard enough to crack the person while dating. Signs are ALWAYS THERE.

  3. i still choose to remain anonymous. Whilst I agree that there should be that stage of "auditioning" and the subsequent transition to being real. i beg to differ a little bit.In my own experience, the best forms of relationship I have had and the ones that even long after we broke up, we still remain best of friends are ones that i was myself from the word go. ones that i was too myself. no fronting, no faking. me for me. and the ones that started with the aiditioning, even though they lasted for a bit, we could never eventually transition into the real person. so here is my 2 cents, be real from the word go. one thing i have come to realize in life is that those who will like you will do so regardless. so really why bother. so please, no auditioning.

  4. As always babe, you delivered! Auditioning is always always always a constant in the building of all my relationships outside of immediate family members. Even if my audition doesnt last longer than 5minutes, it is still an audition all the same. Very very well said.
    In addition to what you have said, people should try to put up acts within thier means! haba...audition by all means but also endeavor to keep it true-to-form because that makes the transition almost seamless.


  5. I can't remember the last time I 'auditioned' sef!...hian...i can't even be bothered

  6. @ @ilola: lol
    @Ginger: lol @ reverse psychology. i absolutely agree that with age, the need to audition fades. I'm finding out that with every new, 'perceived' relationship, my auditioning period becomes shorter and shorter. I'm impatient to find out if a guy can take my crappy side as well as my kick-ass side. lol
    @anon: i do agree that being yourself is the best way to be but i maintain that for most people auditioning is inevitable.....nay....involuntary, especially when you like someone, you want to be the best YOU, you can be, the you that you're not everyday. I've gone into some relationships being plain me, mixing the very good with the very bad some have lasted and I'm friends with some of my exes. Some people can handle it and some can't.
    The transition is never really seamless and that's what fights are all about, a difference in opinions and personalities,it is a matter of sticking it out like Ginger said, to reap the benefits.
    @HoneyDame: I totally agree to people using acts they can sustain. If you're the best you, that's fine, if you're the best someone else, goodluck with that. Some people are so over-ambitious in their forming, it is absurd.
    @Sisi Yemmie: Lol

    as always, thanks for the comments.


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