Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Soundtrack to Your Life

"if music be the food of love, play on..." Duke Orsino, Twelfth Night.

I hope you guys will stay with me on this one. Have you heard of the 5 stages of grief? Well if you haven't, let me drop some knowledge. When you go through a period of grief, you experience what is known as the 5 stages of grief namely; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. These are coping mechanisms that help you come to terms with and get over grief.

Having broken up with and been broken up with by a few people, I believe that one form of grief we all have in common is the dreaded break up. The stages of grief definitely apply to break ups. You can totally fit how you feel during a breakup into everyone of these stages. I've come up with a sixth stage as it relates to break ups: recovery. Just stay with me.

What I've found over the years, is that in a strange and twisted way, music is inextricably linked to break ups and heart breaks. You don't believe me? Try this: when you get broken up with or you've just broken up with someone, put on a radio and it is guaranteed that the first two stations you switch between will be playing a song about how somebody did somebody wrong, or how you will get over the person or a song that was the "our song" of your relationship etc. Generally, a song about someone going through what you're going through.
Think back to your last break up and how you dealt with it by putting on Lauryn Hill's Ex-Factor, singing on top of your voice, going "care for me, care for me, you said you'd care for me, there for me, there for me, said you'd be there for me...." with tears running down your face and body wracking sobs tearing through your body, still wearing the knickers you were wearing on the day of the breakup, four days ago and making everybody around you hate Lauryn Hill and her stupid Ex-Factor song. Or maybe that's just me.

Music helps you feel better when you are going through rough times. Anyways, if you're going through a heart break; that boy you like is not feeling you back, or a break up; she cheated on you with cross-eyed Daniel, I have a fun way for you to go through your heartbreak. I have taken some songs from my playlist that I feel will fit into whatever stage of grief you're going through at any point in the breakup. They may or may not help with your process as I'm not a therapist, but I don't think they will do a lot of damage. I really do hope they help or at the very least, make you smile at the foolishness. However you feel tho, agree with me that it is a wacky form of therapy but music you can relate to is indeed food for the soul. So here goes:

1. Denial:

 "what????? It can't be over. I love you and you said you love me. I'm not even going to believe that you said that." This is that period when the world is spinning on a very shit axis. This is not the way it was meant to be. You were meant to end up in a white dress, walking your fine ass down the aisle. Instead you just received a shocker. Is he playing? Will she call back and say "psych!!! I can't believe you fell for it" ? All the plans for the future, babies' names etc, gone down the drain. Is this for real? This is a very confusing and painful moment as we all know. Here are the songs that match this feeling of disbelief and confusion.

a. All I want is you- Miguel ft. J. Cole
b. Holding back the years- Simply Red
c. Always be my baby - Mariah Carey
d. Love will lead you back- Taylor Dane

2. Anger:

"fuck this bitch!" "How will this bastard treat me like this after all I've done for him?" this is that period of angry indignation. Youre finally over your denial. This shit is for real.You remember all the things you've ever done for the person. That Prada watch you gave her for her birthday, that time you drove through traffic that lasted 6 hours to go and see him in the hospital, that time that she was broke and you broke her off a large chunk of your salary to get her pretty girl swag on. You feel cheated cos you did all these things for love. Do you feel used and like you've been taken for a fool? Well here are your songs:

a.Heartbreaker- Mariah Carey
b.just like a pill- Pink
c.I hate you- Kelis
d.Should have cheated- Keisha Cole
e. Bust your windows- Jazmine Sullivan

3. Bargaining:

you're mad it is over. But there is no on/off button for love. You want your man/woman back. You wonder what will make him/her come back "maybe if I do this she will come back" "maybe if I look like this, he will regret leaving me and he will come crawling back". I do not have a lot of bargaining songs on my playlist, but here's a selection

a. Back to black- Amy Winehouse
b. Incomplete- Sisqo
                                        c. Chasing Pavements - Adele

4. Depression:

you've done all you can to bring him back and you're begining to realize he's gone for real. You heard through the grapevine that she's now talking to this oil and gas baron. It does look like it is over for real. You can't explain this black feeling that has come over you. You don't feel like eating because nothing tastes good cos he's not here, you don't feel like bathing because you don't want to wash away her scent, you don't want to go out because the world has reverted from being technicolour to black and white and dreary. You're just so inexplicably sad. That, my friend, is the famed depression. Terrible, wrist slashing depression. Well, take it away, playlist

a. The one I gave my heart to - Aaliyah
b. Unbreak my heart - Toni Braxton
c. Not gonna cry - Mary J. Blige
d. No ordinary love - Shade
e. So sick - Neyo

 5. Acceptance:

you've been crying for 48 hours non-stop. Your eyes are a mass of red viens and you can barely see through them then you get an epiphany; well, it is truly over. I gave it my best shot and it didn't work out. I'm tired of crying. Sometimes, you don't arrive at this epiphany yourself; a well meaning friend, sister, brother or cousin grabs you by the shoulder and shakes your ass till your teeth rattle "get over yourself, you self pitying shit. You KNOW his ass was not worth it but you are curled up here like a two dollar crack whore whilst he's grabbing some skank's ass in the club" or "boy please, you're going to let a woman do you like this?let's go to the club and look at titties". So you snap out of it or shake it off. Whatever has happened, here's your song

a. It's over now - 112
b. All cried out- Allure ft 112
c. Emotional - Carl Thomas
d. Walking away - Craig David
e. Me, myself and I - Beyonce

6. Recovery:
You've gone through a myriad of emotions and having accepted the inevitable, you're recovering. You have an out of body experience where you see that things were not as great as you told yourself they were. There were cracks in that relationship aplenty. You can now see that he was a scum bucket. You can see that you viewed her with rose colored glasses the whole time. They really weren't the people you have built them up to be in your head. You can see that you clearly dodged a bullet and not having a girlfriend/boyfriend is not all that bad. No one wondering if your BB status was a sly dig at him, no one questioning who the babe on your display picture is and throwing a hissy fit. Life could be better but it is not all bad right now. Youre going to be alright. Welcome to the other side. Here are your victory songs.

a. I will survive -Gloria Gaynor
b. Deuces - Chris Brown ft Tyga, Kevin McCall
c. Irreplaceable - Beyonce
d. Survivor - Destiny's child
e. Doing just fine - Boyz II Men
f. There you go - Pink

Final thots: well, that's all folks. I hope you were at least, amused. Life screws us sometimes and people do bad things to us. But we appreciate everything life throws at us cos it is always an opportunity to learn a lesson. Music has healing powers, i swear. It can make you laugh, cry whatever. So i hope this has made somebody laugh.Do not judge my taste in music. I like old songs. You can comment and leave songs you felt should have been on the list that were ignored. I would love that.


  1. Hshs i totally agree with all the stages except stage one. I go straight to anger.. i'm rarely ever in denial.

  2. Fabtake on breakups cherry......, but it would've come in handy like five years ago....:-D....

  3. My list (I've come to realize all my favorite singers are female from making this list)

    Denial: Don't Speak - No Doubt
    Anger: Fuck You - Ceelo/If It's Over - Mariah Carey
    Bargaining: Don't Forget About Us - Mariah Carey
    Depression: Why Should I Be Sad - Britney Spears
    Acceptance: I Know Who I Am - Leona Lewis/Butterfly - Mariah Carey
    Recovery: Don't Rain On My Parade - Barbra Streisand/No Hands - Waka Flocka Flame lol

  4. @Bucci, I apologize for not getting my blog on 5 years ago....won't happen again. Lol.
    @Noble, love, love, love, the list. Why didn't I think of Don't Speak????. Thanks tho.

  5. I absolutely love this post!!! It's so true. There's music for every stage lol


  6. very true though i never looked at it this way bfore. btw pls follow my ngo's blog @ letstalkaboutsexicl.blogspot.com.


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