Friday, March 4, 2011

BlackBerry: Resident Evil

I heard or was directly told, as it were, that "some of you" (you know yourselves, btw) were not happy about my brief foray into Politics. I would have said "go and suck on a big, fat, lemon, you ignorant cows" but I love you guys too much plus I missed blogging since I was forced to limit myself to one post per weeks thanks to the ever so judgmental O.M.A*rolling my eyes at you*
image courtesy
About 3 years ago, I had an amazing little piece of equipment known as the HTC phone; well a Ted Baker limited edition, HTC phone. It was purple, it had a lovely little game known as the bubble breaker and it obviously dialed numbers and received calls. So to recap, it was stylish, pretty, provided me with hours of entertainment and it performed its primary functions as a phone: it dialed and received calls. This phone was stolen by the powers that be on the 19th of December 2008 at Jade's palace, Lagos which is why I avoid the place like a plague and celebrate the anniversary of 'Teddy's' loss....but I digress.
That weekend, I bought a less functional phone, a Nokia . Didn't provide me with a lot of entertainment but was a pretty red colour and it also dialed and received calls. I was perfectly happy....
Stage left; entrance of the Villian *appaling theatre horror music*
The BlackBerry!!!
What a vile piece of equipment!!! I traded in my functional and durable Nokia for this crap. BlackBerry is a global epidemic which I hold in the highest contempt. I say this to you whilst typing this post FROM my blackberry. It is that familiar spirit you know you have but can't get rid of inspite of several visits to cele churches and different brooms being used to "pursue" the evil spirit.
How I loathe the BlackBerry! I'm sure as I type this, some yummy mummy is with her little bundle of joy who has asked to play 'game' on mummy's phone when out of nowhere, one of our brothers; a card carrying member of the Chartered Institute of Kidnappers, swoops down and makes off with the baby with mummy screaming her head off going.... "Somebody help me! Help!! Help ooooo!!! That man has STOLEN MY BLACKBERRY!"
I will not dispute that the Blackberry is a clever equipment. It is your office on the go and you have the capabilities to access the internet, literally at your fingertips and it possesses functions that I'm presently not utilizing. But it has changed the paradigm of conversation as we know it. In fact the art of conversation has been irreversibly and irreparably destroyed. Instead of proper english we now have text speak, instead of phone sex, we now have sexting! Wtf???!!! Instead of going out to actually meet people, we have groups on blackberry for EVERYTHING; God,sex,food,brazillian hair etc.
It has become such a prized possession. However raggedy your BB is, it is one of the most important things you own. Have you ever seen anybody doing the BlackBerry dance? What's the BlackBerry dance, you ask? It is when you think you've lost your BlackBerry and you begin to pat yourself down and give yourself a cavity search. I've seen a girl empty an entire handbag the size of a weekend carry-all just to find her phone. The minute your service provider has a little technical difficulty, you don't hold back at all with the 'konk' curses. You become so bereft when anything happens to it, people have to come and visit you with tissues and chocolate to console you. People don't even feel the need to really go out at weekends cos all their friends are on their blackberry. These sort of people are often led out, blinking into the sunlight, disoriented, clutching their BlackBerries on monday mornings. When you finally manage to arrange that elusive hangout with friends, a bunch of you sit, huddled at a table furiously clicking away at your BlackBerry. A very funny spin was put on this by a guy I was hanging out with one weekend, he said it is as though the people on the BlackBerry are more important than the actual people you can see.
These reasons are not even the crux of my issue with the BlackBerry. BlackBerry sucks mainly because of how it has altered the dynamics of the traditional "relationship." It is an unapologetic tool of Satan! BlackBerry has made us overly accessible to each other. Do we really need to have this much access to one another, I ask you? BlackBerry has annihilated Facebook. You don't need a computer for this mission, all you need is a bog standard phone with super powers. With a BlackBerry, all it costs you is a cursory glance at your phone to know what your loved one/ friend is thinking. You can update your status and pictures as many times as you like. So people have an 'in' to your mind and your looks as often as you want them to. As a result of this, a lot of relationships have come to an end. My friend D.A said to me that her next boyfriend will not have a BB. That's wishful thinking on her part as even my 12 year old cousin has a BB, but I totally get where she's coming from. I miss the good old days of waiting by the landline for my love interest to call. If he doesn't, you assume a number of things which are; maybe his mum won't let him use the phone, maybe they've 'locked' his phone (remember that??? Ahhhhhh) maybe Nitel is acting up, maybe you didn't put the phone back properly on its hook etc. Now, the minute you know he has paid his 3k or 2,800, it is on! He literally has NO excuse to not check up on you 1,000 times a day.
Now you can keep scores "the last time he pinged me was 2 days ago, what is he doing with his 3k? I know what he's NOT doing tho....HE'S NOT PINGING ME!" You drive yourself mad with all sorts of scenarios running through your head. And guys don't even make it better. I don't blame you tho, those freaking DPs are bloody invitations to treat! What you dummies don't realize is that no girl, I repeat NO GIRL, is going to put up an ugly picture of herself on her BB. How do you want her market to sell? So you're fooled by the picture and you ignore your girlfriend for days just to be with yellow pawpaw! Na wa for you sha, e dey your body!
That one aside, I hate how you go out, meet someone new, hit it off right, talk for hours and hours and at the end of the night, the idiot goes, "give me your pin" this one is still a fresh slight cos it happened to me 4 nights ago. "Give me your pin"???? I mean....comeon! That's the new phrase for I'm a cheap sucker, after this 3k, I'm not buying any credit again. It has made people in general snobbish; if you don't have a BB we can't hang out o and it has made men in particular lazy and cheap as hell! It drives me mad! A few days ago, a guy was sending me texts, I was so amazed by this, I almost proposed to him. We now reserve texts and calls for 'big fuck ups'.... when a ping would just not do. Even at that, some people still don't have any sense of occasion. After fucking up like a bastard, then you ping me to apologize....well apology not accepted! It just doesn't make the act of meeting someone new, special and I, for one, don't come off articulate on the BB. It is too much work for me and the repetitive strain injury to my thumb is so not worth it!
Even the art of stalking has been altered by BB. Stalkers sef are lazier than ever before. BB has made stalkers lazy BUT more in touch with you than they've ever been! The once athletic stalker that used to hide in your bushes just to spring out by executing the most perfect somersault that will make Chinese and Russian Olympians green with envy and will net perfect 10s from Judges, now sits at home, with his belly and man boobs pouring out of what used to be a t-shirt that is now a half top, sucking on a chicken bone, whilst repeatedly pushing PING on his BB just to get your attention!! I mean, WTFF???? What is a PING anyways??? It is the most annoying invention of man till date and I'm talking of a world that contains the Crazy Frog (remember that bastard?)
Then the worst is the dutch courage BB gives certain people. You know those ones; the guys that can't really talk to women, the Koothrappalis of the world (a Big Bang Theory the show. Hilarious!) Suddenly, cos they're not in front of you, they feel emboldened by the cyber gap between you and spew forth a barrage of shit they term as conversation, and get miffed when you're not following as a result of the fact that you're sane! I'm always like 'fuck off' and then I delete the chat plus I'm very happy to push delete on any contact I find.....stupid! I suffer no fools in life and I will certainly not suffer them on BB.

Final thots: this comes from a loving place. I'm just as addicted as anybody else but the BB is rapidly taking over our lives and our time. I'm at work typing this so I'm cyber-skivving cos I have the right tool. It is most annoying when you're having a conversation and a message comes through and the person is still trying to hold the conversation whilst checking the message. Such people go on my "shoot to kill" list. It is meant to make our lives easier not take over our lives. Also people that must check their BBs every 5 second, go on the list. Worse still, if you have those specialized ringtones for your alerts eg bicycle bells etc (LLA2 I'm talking to you)....get on the fucking list!!! I hate the BB and what it is doing to society and I hope you will join in the rage against the machines!!!

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