Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Marital Sexing

Hey party people! How's it hanging? Hope we are all having a great week so far.

Are we all grown folks up in here? All under 21s should get off this post! I am not playing with y'all. This is for grown wimens and miens. I know that some of you sabi pass me sef but I will not be responsible for destroying your "presumed innocence". I am not here for that. Now.... GERROUT!!!!!!!

Ok, now that we have chased all the children away, let's gist.

So I was in bed on Saturday ( I did not get out of bed till past three...mi o l'owo, sugbon mo l'alafia o jare) and a conversation I had with a friend started to play in my mind. We were talking about reasons/expectations for marriage and she said frankly, companionship ranked third on her list of reasons to get married. Her first two reasons were guilt free sex and procreation. It then dawned on me that when most people get to their 30s, they view marriage from a more dispassionate view point that verges on harshly realistic. Hearts, ponies and roses disappear faster than you can say LaCampaignTropicanna. They take a hard look at life and reassess their priorities, stat.

But this is actually a post for yet another day.

Having touched on the subject of sex, I then asked myself, we all want that guilt free sexing but "what is permissible in the realm of marital (Christian) sex?" Now you are old enough and married enough to do the do but what is permitted on the sacred marital bed? Are we, as Christians limited in what freakery we can engage in once we get married? What is the place of sex toys in a Christian marriage, for instance?

You see, all my life, sex has been approached as a thing shrouded in utmost secrecy.We are so unprepared for sex but shockingly, we are expected to eventually have it and not just have it but it is requisite for having a sustained and satisfying marriage, so you should be good at it. Yet, no one has pulled me aside to tell me the dos and don'ts of a Christian sex life. Most  Nigerian women were raised same as me, the only sex talk they had was of the scaring persuasion. It was never discussed in-depth and most Christian women approach it clinically, viewing it as their marital crosses to bear.  If you can't tell, I am not one of those (I have been celibate for too long) and my friend above won't be either ( she's a proud, card carrying member of Team V). We have kept it in our pants long enough and all we want is to cut loose and enjoy our marital sexing. I have always been an advocate of women being as freaky as humanly and safely possible within the bounds of marriage but I find that a lot of us don't know what to do vis-a-vis what is permitted and what is forbidden in our Christian sex lives.

The bible doesn't really regulate the sex life of married folks so we don't have much of a blue print to go on. But I am fairly certain that were I to raise the issue of using a sex toy in a bible study filled with holy and sanctified women, my face would be plastered on Chivita 'juwis' cartons and pure water bags from here to Portiskum, detailing how I am a Jezebel, possessed by the spirit of the soft and rubbery anti-christ.  While there is nothing specific on such issues and the bible goes out of its way to stress that it is really our innards that count to God, I'm sure someone would find a way to doctrinize the topic and fish out obscure bible verses or even well known ones that are not on all fours with the matter at hand to justify why lying like an ice fish on the bed is the ONLY  way God intended for us to have sex.  Yet, I do not see "Thou shall not reverse cow-girl the hell out of your wife" in any of the ten commandments, beautides, nothing.

I was once told of a friend's neighbour that ran teary-eyed and distraught to the friend's mum talking about her husband wanted a blow job and it was against her religion to rock the mic. What religion is this? Where did we Christians purchase this holy-holy attitude from? Who are those perpetuating and religionising these doctrines that cannot be backed by any scripture without turning it on its head? I find that people feel safe hiding behind these tennents of 'holy sex' and their secret lives will simply blow the gasket of your mind. You hear all sorts from holy men (and women) who wave their bibles about, telling you all you must do with your husband/wife is pray, pray and pray some more. It is these same men (and women) that will then go out there and procure the services of runs girls (sugar boys) to whip them within an inch of their lives or whatever freaky stuff they are into.

So why, within the bounds of marriage, can I not have hot, crazy, from the window to the wall sex with my husband, employing any tools or tricks we believe would enhance the sexual experience??? This is the ONLY  legitimate outlet for our sexual passions so why do we kill it in the name of God, when God has said nothing of the sort? Why does the issue of coitus have the mouths of Christian mams turned up at the sides? Why do I feel like all we do as Christians is to advocate modesty, rationing and  restraint ( a lot of restraint)  in our sex lives? Who told us that awesome sex was reserved for 'those in the world?' Just as an aside, I always die when I hear husband and wife refer to themselves as mummy and daddy, I just think of what their sex life must be like and I shudder.

So perhaps, like the unmarried girl that I am, I am running my mouth a bit too much. Does anyone care to expatiate on what is acceptable on the marriage bed? Or it is just a 'whatever rocks your boat' situation? Are there portions of the bible that I am not averting my mind to? The truth is I have always felt guilty about sex from a sin standpoint but I feel that guilt is transposed into marriage and going into my marriage, I really do not want to have to deal with that guilt. So...inquiring minds really want to know because I plan on going at it with my husband barring any legitimate restraint.


  1. hmmm if you don't give hubby what he wants, he will get it from someone else and same goes to hubby too.. be a slutty slut for your hubby. he is your husband!and everything is going to be done on the bed or anywhere in the house ;).. as for now, in my mid twenties.. sexual chemistry comes before kids. I mean this is the person I plan to spend the rest of my life better be the bomb dot com lol..I think of myself as a wild one so someone has to complement that side of me. we shall keep our bed "sacred" if that means exploring every part of our bodies and trying to complete the kama sutra sex guide.

  2. When I was 14 or 15, I was curious to know that my family friends did behind the doors in our guest room. They had been married for 2 years. I always wondered why they spent a lot of time in the room. Oneday, I decided to peep through the door hole...lo and behold, I saw two very born again people having the wildest sex you can imagine. Its been 15 years, these people are still so close and in love. Trust me the great sex is the reason. If great sex make people stay in bad relationships, what do you think it will do to a marriage. Why do you think women say thank you after a good session? That's how much it means to them. Sex is a gift from God for married people, there shouldn't be a limit to what can be done.

  3. Amen sista!! Oh how I love this post.. Cherry.. dishing the truth since 19...haha! Love this! Please let's talk about it! Oya, where are the married folks.. InThe, Naijawife (I know she would tear this topic in chunks haha). E, et al.. Infact let me go and call their attention to this on twitter.. This is a highly important discussion!

    I have always wondered mehn.. There are 2 schools of thoughts - Oh yes! go for it, you are married, ALL things are sexually lawful while the other camp says "Blo.. what?! *crosses self* Go and fast for 3 days!"..

    I would really like to get knowledge.. what's the deal?!
    Thanks for this Cherrycoco (like HD would say) :-) xx

  4. Most Christians suffer from a guilty conscience (or is it most Africans)!😏They are brought up to first think sex is such a disgusting act and it's something you should engage in only for procreation reasons. Pfftttt!!! Abegi! I will always knack my wife (and vice versa) in any manner, position, environment etc we both deem fit, since we are ONE! The bible says nothing about doggy being bad or giving head is an abomination! Society - chin-up and judge mental Christians have deemed it so! Remember marriage is held together by sex and money! You can have love, you can have commitment, but if you don’t have regular, great sex, you are not fulfilling the true potential of your marriage. Really without sex, your wife and you are at best good friends – nothing more.

    It's funny though, some Christian men (and non-Christians) would rather not request oral sex from their wives or "sinful" positions, but would rather a side chick or skelewu. It's so bad, some guys I know cannot fathom the thought of the mother of their children to be a freak! She would be judged straight Kai..... So this is what this girl used to do before I married her........chineke meeeeee. It's a shame that it's easier for a guy to be accepted as a sex freak.......girls would be perceived as onisekuse/prostitute etc. to couples out there.......explore your bodies and get your FREAk onnnnnnn

  5. Cherrycocooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! LOL

    Fortunately I didn't get that memo when I was getting married so i'm no iced fish. I be swingin' monkey. lol!

    But on a serious note I think any christian who advises "holy sex" is just being hypocritical.
    There is no sex manual that comes with marriage so I feel everyone should do the do as e dey do dem.
    If God really felt it was important it would have been in the bible next to Wife submit to your Husbands... so that at wedding ceremonies the Pastor will kuku make it part of the sermon. Lemme check Songs of Solomon sef.

    Ore abeg when you get married jeun soke so that your hubby won't go and be turning one skank upside down to get his fix. Shio!

  6. Loooool. Holy sex indeed.
    Like I have learnt, all these comparisons and blanket statements about sex are just funny. I guess that's why God wants us to stay with one partner and also not awaken love till its time. If I have had sex with only one person who truly understands what selflessness and true love is and I'm not into porn n masturbation, pray tell, what will I be comparing to? I am too convinced that if two truly born again christians get married, they will be taught by the Holy spirit, and they will eventually find their rhythm. And if for some reason someone is not enjoying it, then seek either medical help or go to a Christian marriage counsellor. Sex is NOT rocket science. Whatever works for both of you, so long as it is NOT pornography, medically harmful, or orgies, pls enjoy.IT is HOLY. I truly believe a non-selfish spouse (who doesn't especially have any psychological issues from the past eg rape) would be willing to dance to his/her partners desires. And that partner would also not make demands that are out of this world (esp that have come as a result of TOO MUCH BOOK/porn and asking unnecessary questions or worse still comparing) eventually both of them will find their rhythm and keep perfecting it. God created sex. He couldn't have made it hard or complicated. And where help is needed, thank God for godly counselling.and of course prayers. I'm sorry but I don't think websites help... neither blogs.
    Just find your rhythm jare cos tz in you

  7. This is why it's important to have a good church. Not one of these that you mentioned in your post. In our church they give you PLENTY of information. So much sef that we even felt it was overkill lol. Your marriage bed is sacred and how you two choose to do it is also sacred. There are no "hard and fast" (pun intended) rules. So long as you're not harming each others bodies or harming or disrespecting your marriage (e.g. threesomes. Foursomes)

  8. @Naijawife Ah! Now you're qualifying what harms a marriage by your own standards. Group sex is a prerogative of any couple if they both want to go that route,I don't see how it harms or 'disrespects' their relationship. Many people,men AND women,have sexual fantansies that involve multiple sex partners. And please, anybody truly that these desires and fantasies come from watching or reading porn,is being a bit naïve. Humans are innately, very sexual creatures and as such have naturally curious and wide attractions,however subdued thay may be. So I don't see how the willingness of your spouse to make these fantasies a reality with you is a bad thing. As long as it's a mutual and mature decision,all things considered,I think it's as healthy for the relationship,sexually and otherwise,as any other sexually adventurous exploration will be.

    1. HA!........remember that this is within the context of sex in a Christian marriage o!
      Mutual and mature decision for a menage a trois, foursome in a Christian marriage? I dont think so...I really dont think so, Ma

    2. Ehen, oya cherry. Them don dey ask you o. Threesome and porn nko? Oya answer, before this blog post turns to something else.

    3. RobiRobi, I totally get your point that nothing should be off limits with your spouse...but this is talking about sex within the bounds of marriage, particularly a Christian marriage and all the 'somes are actually expressly prohibited by the Bible under the "Thou shall not commit adultery" commandment. It is the one charge that speaks directly to married folks. I, like you do believe human beings are innately sexual beings and while moderation ala deprivation leaves a bad taste in my mouth, being human beings enables us to know where to draw the line, being Christians mandates us to do only that which is pleasing to God. That's my two cents on 'somes.

      @ @ilola: Alakoba of life!!!! How I wan take know na? Na Holy Spirit inspiration and eco I dey take write this blog. Lol. E ma ko ba mi. I am not advocating the use of anything. Me sef dey dey ask ni o. Lol

  9. Hmmm. Since I am below, 13, I am not qualified to comment on these matters. I will just cough and walk by.

  10. Cherry, Topic on point! Unless we want to lie to ourselves, Sex is a burning issue. As singles, whether we engage in pre-marital sex or not, it’s always on our minds. For married folks, it's probably the next issue after finance. Is it adequate? Is it satisfactory? If my husband is not doing it with me, then he's getting it outside, right? My wife won't give me a blowjob, what do I do? Only few Pastors talk about it and I don't mean the glossing over remarks like " don't deprive your husband" ,"perform your husbandly duties", e.t.c. The truth is if people don't get their answers from the church, they'll get them from other sources.
    Everything God made was good. For him to have included sex on the agenda, then I do not understand why people will deny themselves of the pleasures of a healthy sexual life with their spouses. Omo, if I have waited this long without it, I will now come and marry, somebody will now tell me that I should only do missionary style? Mo ye! I reject it! Lol! But seriously, we really need to stop being too stiff about our Christainity. But erm, that threesome and foursome thing is not permitted o! That is so not the Bible, the marriage institution is between a man and his wife, shikena!

  11. I am loving all the comments and I will be back to comment on them soon. Thanks for reading, sharing and discussing.

  12. Let me just position my seat and keep taking notes :D

    Cherry of life, i'm loving the consistency of your posts babe. keep 'em coming

  13. Cherry.......firstly, this is my first time on your blog. i don't understand that because I have a good antenna for great blogs. Anyways, I don show and I'm going no where.
    Unto the crux of this comment, I'm one of those Chill-till-you're-married-and-then-you-can-break-all-the-glasswares-in-your-house-with-sex people.
    At church, the ladies had a programme and there was a Q and A session. They asked this medical doctor to describe a virtuous woman or something. Cherry, no one knew that Oga was prolly sex starved oo. My guy started paraing for all the women in church about how they carry their holiness into the bedroom. He complained bitterly about how other men were also passing thru the same ordeal. The dude in question is a minister. I think that we are sexual beings and should explore the luxury of sex with our spouses to the fullest. I agree with NaijaWife that group sex and other sexual acts that mess with the godly foundation of your marriage should be avoided. After service that day, everyone was looking at the man"s wife like the grinch starving her husband of good sex. I'm sure all those other ladies with scowls on their face have similar stories. Sometimes, its our holy fathers that mess with the groove.

    Hey, I'm a relatively new blogger. I'd appreciate a visit and a follow back!!! Cheers

  14. Interesting topic here! I unfortunately have a husband who feels anything asides missionary is for unmarried couples..... His reasons don't even have a christian undertone! Just cultural limitations and low level of exposure....

  15. So after i washed you for blogging consistently, you decided to go awol ba? Well-done sho gbo

  16. All I could think was: auntie, as Christian sisters in the Lord, are we supposed to know what 'reverse cow-girl' is, hmmmm?
    Lol. Don't mind me o.

  17. We are sexual being ni
    We should know
    We should also know the boundaries

    I believe great sex comes with excellent communication
    Tell your husband or wife what feels good and what doesn't
    Trust also makes it better, I am sure
    Not married sha


    Now I can't advertise my blog.

    reverse cow girl is girl on top. With all the movies on TV, you have definitely seen some. I have.

  18. Hia, when i finally can blow legitimately i go start to de worry say some styles are not good/holy. Abeg Kama Sutra sef go hear am.


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