Thursday, September 1, 2011

Life and times of lovelorn Lagos Sisis (Somto's Story) Episode 2

*thanks to LO and AA for allowing me use some of their anecdotes*

And so it was that Chyke came to dinner.

Throughout dinner, I was looking for somebody, anybody, to do a drive-by and kill us all, mum inclusive. How could she? How could she be so desperate for son-in-law and wedding party as to agree to let me be hooked up to this pig hovering up akpu at speeds hitherto unknown to man? Stop the press! I just remembered the chief culprit: Aunty freaking Jo. She is definitely, definitely dead to me from now henceforth. Is she for real? Is this all I’m worth? Is this what they will sacrifice me at the altar of marriage for? This….thing??? Really????????

I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me tell you how dinner went.

So I asked Chyke to come in when what I should really have done was slam the door in his face whilst yelling ‘wrong number’ (or is that only for phone calls? At this point, don’t know, don’t care) He was so oily and greasy; from his activator laden hair to his shiny palm oiled face and his greasy attitude. Instead of walking in, he all but slithered in and he was immediately being over-slimy, instantly calling my mum ‘mummy’ pronounced ‘mohmi’ not the usual ‘momeee’. Mu…what? Looking around this house, I don’t see your picture anywhere. Mummy gini? Abeg o.
My son-in-law starved mother too was beaming from ear to ear, basking in the adoration of being a random boy’s mohmi. ‘Ah, Chike. God bless you. How was the journey? How is everybody in America? How is Obama and Michelle *pause…insert the requisite dry joke laughter here* Welcome to my home’ and on and on. The two of them were having a swell time gisting about all sorts, leaving me looking like someone that had sucked on a lemon. Not that I even wanted to be a part of the gist or whatever. I still don’t know the first thing to say to Chyke.
Then as if out of a trance, my mother looked up and gave me a look like she just caught me defecating in the corner of the living room and said ‘will you not bring refreshments for our guest or you want him to go to kitchen himself?’ I didn’t see why not, actually. But I dared not say that aloud to my mother. ‘what would you like?’ I asked in my best long-suffering-polite voice ‘ there is coke, juice…’ ‘ah ah, Somtochi’ butted in Chyke’s new mohmi ‘bring everything then he can select’. Msscheewwwwww. See me see wahala. Did I invite him here? Why am I the one serving him refreshments? Which reminds me, there is a maid, why isn’t she serving this pompous maggot looking at me in an affectionate ‘little air-head’ way with a stupid, smug smirk on his face and telling his mohmi to ‘leave her’? I’m sure left to my mother, while serving the coke or whatever, I should kneel down; wine carrying style, and put the cup to his lips all in the name of serving. Rubbish. Where was my dad when I needed him so desperately? That’s right, he went to the village. Crafty mohmi, orchestrated this visit to coincide with when my daddy would not be at home. Drats!

Nothing doing, after he had downed the entire pack of juice, it was on to the dinner specially prepared for him. And that’s when the conversational (barely) beast in Chyke was let loose. In between hefty morsels of akpu and 25 licks of hand per second, he asked ‘Somtochi’ the nerve of some people sha ‘how old are you?’ “28.” ‘She’s going on 29 actually’ added my mum, helpfully ‘but she looks so young for 29 don’t you think?’ I mean, what next? Will they open my mouth and inspect my teeth or something abi which one is this ‘final sales’ schpiel mohmi Chyke is doing? ‘28. Fine gyal like you, why have you not married now?’ the ever tactful Chike asked ‘I haven’t been asked’ sez I. ‘You know all these young girls and their yanga’ again, mohmi, finishing off with an uncomfortable laughter.
‘so’ I said, in an attempt to drown my mother out of the conversation ‘what do you do?’ ‘I have a Nigerian food stuff store in Oklahoma’ ‘ah, that’s a very good business. You can never go wrong with anything the mouth eats’ my mum, refusing to be drowned out. ‘all the young women there must just be chasing you. A young successful man like yourself.’ ‘well, American girls are too exposed for me. I prumize myself that when I am ready to marry, I come back home and pick a girl with little exposure and take her over there with me so she can bear and raise my kids.’ Said Chyke in his ‘Iboricana’. Over where? Who told this moron that I was not exposed? Is the burial-style material fooling him? Or is it that he can’t hear my over-cultured English (made even more so because I was trying to prove a point to my mother as to our English disparity) See how men put themselves in trouble. Coming home to pick random girls you don’t know to be baby making machines=gross stupidity. All the while, my mother was encouraging his nonsense and punctuating it with the occasional ‘that’s right’. ‘Somtochi, are you working?’ he asked ‘ Yes. I am an accountant with Akintola Delloite’ I replied. ‘working class woman ehn?’( does he even know the meaning of working class?) he chuckled with my mum joining in. ‘Me, I don’t like women working and working o. Who will raise the children? When we reach Oklahoma, you will just be helping me in the store. I have plenty money and I can give you everything you need and even be sending money home to them mohmi’ he decreed. ‘Yes. A woman must do as her husband says’ replied my mother. Is this woman kidding me? Husband??? Btw did my father tell her to quit nursing for him? She raised me to be a strong woman and all for the sake of marriage, she wants to dumb me down. Are they both normal? The only way I’m following this creep to America is if I’m in a body bag, stone cold dead. All my ACCA will be used in asking whether people want yam or plaintain. God forbid. I’m not interested in having his oblong headed, short arsed babies either. How revolting.

The dinner dragged on and eventually, it was time for Chyke the gross to go. Hallelujah…Hallelujah…Hallelujah…Hallelujah…Halleeeeeelujahhhhh. The only positive side to the dinner was, Chyke and my mother got on like a house on fire. They got on so well, I thought they would be great for each other. She could follow him to Oklahoma and sell yam and ogiri with him. Mscheeeeeewwww. When he was leaving, my mother made me walk him out of the house to his car. Her way of giving us some ‘alone’ time. I wish she hadn’t. ‘mehn that was a good food. It has been long since I have home cooking. This is why I need a wife to come over there and help me out’ I think he just needs a maid. ‘out of the laundry list of duties your wife will perform and what she will be like, you didn’t talk about love or companionship once. Why’s that?’ I asked. He laughed a long, hearty laugh and said ‘women and their love.*punctuate with more laughter*Right now, love is not really important for me. I just wanna have a fine, strong wife who will bear and raise my kids. Love will grow eventually’ *buzzer sound* wrong answer. ‘well, it was nice to meet you Chike’ Not. ‘Take care of yourself’. Then it happened. Chike actually…..puckered up!!!! Eeeeewwwww. Like I was going to let his Vienna sausage lips touch mine. And he kept advancing with his eyes closed and mine wide open in horror. Eventually, I gathered my wits and almost at the last minute, I turned my cheek to block the onslaught. You could see his confusion that I wasn’t ready to jump on his all giving gravy boat kissing band wagon. He eventually drove off after giving me his number and eliciting a promise from me that I would call.

Walking back inside, my mum was all lit up like a Christmas tree. ‘so?’ she asked knowing what response she wanted to hear ‘oh mother, he’s the man of my dreams. I’ve always wanted a Neanderthal to whisk me far away from my family, from all I know and love. Also, I can’t wait to give up my lifelong dream of being an accountant for being a trophy, child bearing, food stuff sales assistant. I’m getting merrhid!!! Quick let’s start making plans’ I replied. ‘Somto, be serious now. He’s a good prospect o. He can take care of you and you will be living in America’ my mum replied ‘Mum, I’ve already lived “over there”. You do remember that I lived in England AND I came back of my own free will, so this America thing doesn’t score him any brownie point. How can you even see me and that boy together? He can’t even speak English. See how….’ ‘SHUT UP’ my mother thundered. ‘English? What do you want to do with English? Is the one you are speaking not enough? Your mates are married and you are here nitpicking, talking about English. You better be wise’ I looked at my mum for a while and I said in my calmest voice ‘nothing recommends Chike to me. So, no. Thank you’. Just then, the phone rang and it was the harbinger of Chike, Aunty Jo. The first thing my mother said was ‘she said she doesn’t want o. That he can’t speak English. Jo, save me o’. Aunty Jo asked to speak to me. ‘Somtochi, this boy is a very good boy from a good family. He can take care of you very well. Also he is an American citizen. I wouldn’t want us to lose him’. Lose him???? Take care of me???? What were all these stupid buzz words? I decided to be politely frank with Aunty Jo, after all, she was dead to me. ‘Aunty, thank you. But maybe another girl will like Chike. He is definitely not for me. AT ALL’ I answered.

Excuse me for wanting to make a sensible choice in marriage. Chike was no prize. He was an uncouth idiot, with archaic ideas. They just want me to get married. Nobody was looking at the eventual trouble that will arise when I refuse to give up work, when I show the level of my exposure, when I refuse to be the quiet wife in the backroom of the foodstuff shop quietly doing the stock taking, who only spoke when spoken to, when I could no longer veil my disgust which was just about thinly veiled right now cos I know I never have to see him again. I’m a modern woman. I have a job I love and I live in a country I like. I would love to get married but to the right person who is not trying to morph me to the woman he thinks is ideal. I am ideal enough as I am and even if I have to make changes to accommodate a man, they will have to be subtle changes that I would be happy to make because I love him and nothing will be too much trouble for the man I love not these types of changes for a guy I can’t even stand.
I'm even more upset about the changes I am seeing in my mother with regards to this marriage thing. My mother who has raised me to be a self-sufficient woman, within the blink of an eye wants me to forget life long lessons just so they can say her daughter is married. Wow.
Anyways, they may be right, maybe I’m too picky and that’s why I’m not married. I left the sitting room for my room with my mother bellowing ‘ I WILL NEVER INVOLVE MYSELF IN YOUR MATTER AGAIN. IF YOU LIKE MARRY, IF YOU LIKE DON’T MARRY. UNGRATEFUL GIRL!!!!!!!’Yeah right mother, until the next opportunity presents itself then?



  1. This mother is not considerate at all. She is only thinking of her own happiness and doesn't care about the daughter. The sad fact is that many mothers are like this.
    The gal shouldn't have offered her cheeks, she should have just walked away with his lips hanging in the air.

  2. Is this story for reals? oh mine. Some daughters do have them! I know mothers push this 'settle' business out of love but they should think of other ramifications.

  3. Completely, totally, absolutely hilarious!!!!! For real or not i enjoyed the story.

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  6. Lwkmd. I laughed so much while reading this story & now my sides are aching me :-). Na wa for this mother o ehnnnn. She does mean well for her beloved daughter, but she is going about it the wrong way.


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