|image courtesy www.questionmarkmag.com|
Que parsa fam? It has been a long minute since we spoke. There's a reason for that: I have been in shock since I beheld this phenom. Ladies and gentlemen, the phenom of whom I speak is none other than the grand dame of Nollywood herself, Aunty OMOTOLA. What caused this shock,Cherry? I imagine you asking, to effectively answer this question, I have to give you a bit of history.
A few years back, if I was going to a club with my friends or something of that nature, the only dress code I rocked was "Skank Coture" ie the shorter the hotter, the more boobage the better. It was go Ho or go Home. I rocked my look and enjoyed doing so.No apologies, whatsoever. BUT, I outgrew that look and started to become more self conscious and trying to dress my age; mind you that doesn't imply that I started wearing tweed skirt suits with a string of pearls for a light brunch with the girls; just more mature and age appropriate.I had this misguided belief that we all went through this transformation; you know, ditching the cropped tops and combat bottoms with your hair held up in pig tails (minnie mouse style) for a Sexy jumpsuit with your Peruvian in place. But boy was I proven wrong during the Grammys.
I was sitting at home minding my own business when a picture was sent to me. A picture that had me frozen for a few minutes like I had been treated to front row seats at a Medusa viewing. A picture that hurt my self,female and national pride. A picture that had me going no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no.
Aunty OMOTOLA, in the infamous words of Chi-gurl; Kilorde???? What were you thinking? I beseech you. Where do I start from in picking apart her ridiculous ensemble? I wish I had that Ginger guy with the chopsticks from the DSTV ad, to help me. But I hear he's unavailable due to the accident his anus suffered when madam jammed the chopsticks up there as a result of his audacity. But....I digress.
Aunty O, you reallly should have known better. Kudos to you, you look stunning after 4 kids. We all thank God that black don't crack. HOWEVER, warapoun? This is inexcusable.
A bit of background info for those not in the know. Aunty has an American management company (which will hereinafter be referred to as AMC) so she got invited to tag along to the Grammys. I don't know how the conversation went down, but I'm willing to take a shot at it. (excuse my fake American accent)
AMC: hey Motola. What's going on with you?
O: nothing much o. Just chilling.
AMC: what you got going on tomorrow?
O: not much. I'm going to check out these shoes I saw in Payless.
AMC: so you're not busy. Good. Heard of the Grammys?
O: of course. It is the biggest night in Music the world over.
AMC: well....I have a surprise for you. How would you like to go to the Grammys with one of our slimy guys?
O: lil' ol' me? I would be delighted! I will just run to Rave now to pick out a little number.
No diss to Rave. They have delightful clothes.....for under 25s! Once you hit 25, it is assumed that your tastes would have matured over time. I have no concrete prove that she shopped for her dress at Rave, but the dress did not look like something you would find in JCPenny let alone a high fashion shop.
Who even sent her message of Oyinbo cloth? What I said when I regained consiousness and the use of my mouth and what seems to be the general consensus was, why didn't her ass just wear freaking Ankara? That is the problem with us Nigerians. Neo-colonialism has finished us! If it is white, it must be better. Well in this case, it backfired seriously. My question(and I know I speak the mind of many) was this: why didn't she see the need to call on the wealth of Fashion power we have in Nigeria. Deola Sagoe, Lanre Dasilva-Ajayi, Jewel by Lisa, Ituen Basi etc. These are just some of the front runners in fashion we have in Nigeria alone not to talk of the African continent as a whole where there are thousands. I am so sure any of these greats would have sent her a dress, no questions asked, if they knew she would be showcasing it at the Grammys.
Even the stars that live in America, treat this as a seriously huge deal. They get clothes off the runway, from Coture houses. She thinks she can just show up in any old dress? Who does that????
After she even now wore the dress, she couldn't make the effort to ensure it was age appropriate, body appropriate and red carpet appropriate. I found myself saying what I'm sure a number of Nigerian were saying "why wasn't it Genevieve that got this golden opportunity?" say what you like about her, but Miss Nnaji CAN dress! I read somewhere that Omotola one-upped Genny by going to the Grammys. Is that how to one-up somebody? I ask you. Mscheeeeeewwww!
The number of things that were wrong with that dress........ First of all, her bingo wings! Arm fat is the reality of many a woman's existence especially African women. No diss to the arm fat, BUT, protect the arm fat's privacy! It doesn't need everybody all up in its business!!!! Get the arm fat some sleeves, dammit! Or tone your arms up with exercises that specifically target that area so it doesn't look so droopy and depressed! I'm sure her arm fat wanted to kill itself! It just couldn't believe her!
Also do I spy her black bra with my little eyes???? Tut.....Tut!
Secondly, Aunty Omotola, why were you falling our hand with your belle? Comeon, suck belle jare! As a woman with a belly myself, the trick to taming a belly was one of the things I learnt quickly when I realized my belly was not baby fat. In the days of old, it was the Girdle that helped you handle such things. Now, the girdle is almost obsolete. You have Body Magic in different variations; the ones that give you breast to bum body sculpting or the ones that target specific problem areas. Also, a clever lady invented SPANKS....which i am told Beyonce is a fan of. If Beyonce feels she has problem areas, Aunty O, don't dull yourself....you def need am, seriously. Aunty O could have done with an all over body sculpting. The dress and the underwear were just at war with each other with the underwear ending up the loser because it was just bunched up helplessly under the dress and not even trying to help Aunty O at all. So her belle was just hanging there with the underwear bunched up.
Thirdly, badunkadunk alert! In every African household, we have at least 10 Beyonces and JLos. It is not a biggie, we got the bootay! Being red carpet ready does not imply that you make yourself into some stick insect, but to make your assets work for you by creating the perfect silhouette. The booty did not look cute in any way under that garish spring dance dress.
The dress just did not sit well on any part of her body(see illustrations above)
Lastly was the slime bucket hanging off her with his palm downturned on her booty. Ah ah! Decency dictates that a mother of 4 should comport herself with dignity and have the ability to dish out slaps to those that disrespect the booty. Or is the booty so big that the sensitive nerve endings that react to touch didn't grow that far out so she didn't feel the groping? I doubt it. To recap, she stood there, grinning like a loon, in a tacky dress that did nothing for her, with an idiot's hand, hanging off her backside. Not a good look at all.
Final thots: Omotola became a topic for discussion because she's well known and she could have done better to ably represent herself and her country. Being the second known Nigerian to be associated with the Grammys in recent times (Femi Kuti being the first)she got a lot of flack for the way she looked. However, we see them roaming about these days. These so called yummy mummies. As a young woman who hasn't had kids yet, I applaud the efforts of women that have had kids and are in top condition eg Betty Irabor, Genevieve Nnaji, Deola Sagoe, Hajiya Shagaya, Remi Tinubu, my friend J.A, my friend's sister,Tokunbo etc. But apart from being in top shape, what they have in common is that they dress appropriately. They look sexy,confident, mature and beautiful without the 'tack'. I don't understand why women that are old enough to know better, want the whole world to catch a glimpse of their coochies. Please keep that to yourself, thank you very much! In the bid to be as western as humanly possible, some women don't even know what to do with themselves. I'm not a prude and i have nothing against people looking good and dressing in what they feel comfortable in. But when you're fiddling with your boobtube dress that is two sizes too small for your ginormous bossoms, that is not comfortable and neither is it a good look. Here's a rule of thumb: if it looks like baby clothes; IT PROBABLY IS! Don't try squeezing your ass into it all in the name of being young and "down with it" This has been a Cherry public service announcement.