First Dates

It's been a while since I posted stuff about myself on this blog. So give me a huge welcome back.The title of this post was going to be 'A Fate Worse Than Death' but I just thought I should let it do what it says on the tin; figuratively speaking. From my proposed title, you can deduce that there is no love lost between first dates and myself. I absolutely hate first dates. They are the pits. Perhaps I should explain properly why there is no love, trust, like lost between myself and first dates.
Not too long ago, I went on a first date.

Scratch that, let me start from the very beginning. I was at a party being hosted by friends from the Law School. When I'm among friends I am extremely chatty, often times witty and charming. (I barely drink...a flute of champagne is all that I can ever manage when I go out so I know I'm never drunk and thus I'm not making my charm up in my head.)
The conversational beast in me is let loose and I'm cracking jokes, flitting from place to place, eyes twinkling, mouth moving at the speed of light. I'm great! That's the best time to meet me because other times I am very quiet and I mean mug people that try to talk to me. (I hate being bothered) So I met this guy whilst I was busy being charming. We exchange numbers and promises to call each other. He called and suggested doing lunch. I agreed. I had forgotten that charm-mode had been switched off mentally. We meet up for lunch and then....

crickets!

Bloody crickets' chirping filled the space our conversation should have filled. Turns out he's pretty quiet and I was having an allergic reaction to....well....speaking! I was mortified. I remember asking a few stilted questions about football and the likes but that was basically the bulk of it. Imagine that???!!! I resorted to cheesy, textbook chat up lines like a sleazy old man! I feel so dirrrty! And the bros did not even try at all. Shey me I was sounding like a sugar daddy in my own ears. He was acting like a shy hooker I was pricing!!! He would look at me, thenlookawayveryquickly. Yes, I know there are no space between those words. That's how quickly he looked away. I was at a loss as to what to do. It has never fallen on me to try this hard. I'm usually monotonous molly but he was worse than I was.

I remember hearing the sound of EVERY single crunch, chew and sip we took at that lunch table. It was horrible. I was willing my booming laughter, twinkling eyes and motor mouth to return but my brain had shut up shop, packed a tiny bag and was now in Turks and Caicos in beach shorts having the time of its life. We couldn't get out of that restaurant fast enough! In a tangle of legs and goodbyes, I made my way out on the street, took a deep breath, rushed into my car and...the floodgates of witty things I could have said burst open. Look who came back from Turks and Caicos!

This is a typical example of how things go on most of my first dates. First dates are meant to be flirty and fun but they are hard work for me. I'm more of a third or fourth date kinda girl when we have gone past all the awkwardness and I am already telling you a dirty joke I heard! It makes my life a lot more easier if I can find a common ground with the person I'm on a date with. My area of expertise? Usually KC boys (all you Floral or whatever douches, relax and don't get swollen-headed) I know a decent number of KC boys from like 2 sets above me and 2 sets below. So it is always fun to play the 'Do you know such and such?' game. It is a fantastic ice breaker (this could be why most of the guys I've talked to in the last couple of years are KC boys....hmmmm...a breakthrough all by myself ....and without a shrink too!) In addition to the obscene amount of KC boys I am acquainted with, I know a respectable number of people so the game gets played once I find out your university, secondary school, primary school, church, address etc. But what was sad about the date I described above was that there was absolutely no common ground. I had never met anyone from his secondary school,  barely knew anyone from his university etc. The only common ground we had was a tenuous one: an older brother that had gone to my former Uni who I wasn't really friends with. The conversation pretty much dried up after that.

Clearly, I need a dummy's guide to first dates or any other book that teaches conversation, muscle memory, wittiness on a 1st date. I don't know if it is that I'm always nervous but I find myself being painfully aware of EVERYTHING I do. Things I would normally do without a second thought  eg. sipping water, becomes a huge to-do. Before I reach for the cup, every step I will make is anticipated and analysed the sad thing is with all the planning, I end up spilling the water on myself. I'm that dorky girl that goes to cut a a piece of chicken and ends up with the entire thing in my lap. P:S; if you see me out and about with chicken in my laps, two things 1. I don't like chicken and 2. I'm on a first date. Don't laugh at me. We all have our challenges/phobias. One of mine is the first date and I've still not figured out how to counter it. My only saving grace is that I'm cute so guys don't usually hold it against me and always want to go on a second date  and then, the witty me comes shining through.

If you have any tips on how I can overcome my first date shyness, please hit me up.

New Blog

Hi guys.
So I took the plunge and started a new blog called Naija Church Girl(NCG) *Naija Bank Girl sorry for the blatant theft of your name* Lol. CherryChatter will not suffer...I repeat...CherryChatter will not suffer. Like I said on my maiden post on NCG, it is not for split personality purposes either. The new blog is dedicated solely to charting my christian growth, trials, triumphs, questions, insecurities, just anything related to my christian life. I don't want the development to get lost or just seem insignificant in the grand scheme of things as they unfold on CherryChatter.
My trepidation in starting this blog was palpable but I really want to see how and where it goes.
Please support the new blog. I would appreciate it.

So I'm bi-blogial now!
Yayness!!!

Entrapment: the new love?

Thank you all for the love shown to W. She's super stoked. She wrote two articles and she was mad that I chose the one she felt was boring. See, all the love has gone to her head and she wants to unseat me from my blog....give the girl an inch.....mscheeeewwwwwww. So on to today's gist na.

So, you know how I'm always harping on about marriage and tins, well, nothing has changed this week. Still on the topic. My gripe for today...conception as a means of getting a wedding certificate. Women are quite prepared to do literally anything to put a bling on their finger and that includes...conception. 

Desperate times...desperate measures type tins. 

Someone quite close to me recently went the baby route to snag herself a husband. After many years of unconditionally loving men and having it thrown back in her face, she resolved to herself that the next guy that comes along was going to be her husband by force or by fire. She achieved this by getting pregnant for a guy that was on hiatus from his previous relationship. Old girlfriend snoozed and lost. Shame.

Some people go on to enjoy meaningful relationships with their baby daddies/husbands and true love blossoms in due time but for some (often times, most) it is a nightmare because this path to 'happily ever after' is fraught with its own dangers; eg.

1. Man rejecting baby. Thereby labelling you slut which could result in two things

a. Being baby mama for some random guy and baby, by default, being a bastard or

b. Free trip (or not free; depending on generosity of man) to the abortion clinic
2. Man deciding to marry you but there's zero spark so you have a loveless marriage where man is spending more time with other babes outside the marriage resulting in you having an emotional breakdown etc

I have always found this despicable and I thought it was beneath me. I mean such tactic is underhand and for want of a better word....insane. I considered myself too sane, too worldly, too knowledgeable to stoop so low. I remember remarking about it once that '1980 called....and it wants its tactic back'.  But surprise....surprise....one relationship ago, I found myself 'seriously' considering it. 

The devil is a liar!  

But I swear, it was something I pondered for like 2 weeks. (Old age wants to run me down!) Example 1 a or b, most likely b would have been my lot if it had happened that I allowed ex-man inseminate me. Tufiakwa.

What is it that makes women so frustrated that they decide to hitch their star to 9 months of backache and at least 20 years of ungratefulness to land a man? 

For me, it was a combination of things; I felt he was ok. If nothing, the child will have good hair (or male pattern baldness....cos ex-man had both) Secondly, he was an only child and his mother kinda-sorta liked me, so getting pregnant for him would have landed me automatic wedding if I went to cry to her and finally and most importantly I was (and still am) sick of dating. It sucks. The earlier it ends the better for me. Those were my reasons but Jesus and the fear of my parents drove the demons that were influencing me away from my head.

I have an acquaintance that did it for comfort not marriage. She got pregnant for a married man and he set her up with her own swanky spot with plenty of child care money etc. To each their own.

The fact that I was considering marrying an 'ok' man should have been my first clue that I was going bonkers. No? But I didn't clue in because as the world stands, women (including yours truly) are having to compete with themselves for the attention of very few men. This pool becomes more reduced by the fact that some of these men prefer the attention of other men (a post to come on this) .
The Blood!
So women, the very sneaky or not-so-sneaky-more-like-frustrated ones use what they have to get what they want. Providence gave us one serious weapon in our arsenal; the fact that we can get pregnant. Life enhanced this weapon by the iron sharpeneth iron theory; we are sneaky as hell.

 Biology + Sneaky= Belle.

So even though this entrapment trick has been recycled through the ages, it still proves an added advantage that sets a girl apart from the pack. 

The fact and problem is a stork's arrival does not wave a magic wand to paper over a relationship that has no solid foundation in the first place. It papers over the cracks but y'all know how pesky little cracks are, they don't go away. They only get worse. However, a lot of ladies' attitude to this problem is 'we will cross that bridge when we get to it'. I mean, burying your head in the sand doesn't mean the issues will still not come to bite you in the ass. I knew this 'scam' was rampant but I didn't know how widespread until my cousin pointed it out to me.

My cousin, L, was hanging out with a couple of old school friends. A couple of drinks, a lot of squealing and laughing and 'do you remember when?'s then the gist turned to their married friends. Long story short,  if 10 of them were married, 6 had trapped their husbands with the classic unplanned pregnancies or gotten pregnant for someone else and donated it to another man. (So generous, these ladies.) To worsen matters, one of the 'Trap Brigade' girls was on hand to dispense trapping advice to her single, and in her opinion, less fortunate friends and even to those engaged to help them expedite marriage plans.

She wasn't really interested in love or friendship with the guys. It was more along the lines of what does he do? what does he earn? If he was adjudged successful, she advised them to go the 'Up Awo' route as quickly as humanly possible. Love will flourish and grow after. She saw it as a fast and frankly better way to make sure you're situated somewhere without the hassle of the agony of whether it will end up in marriage or not. She felt, she was fighting her corner and doing it brilliantly and anyone not getting on board with it was not 'sharp' and deserved their single status. My cousin and other friends went on to dissect the lives of their other friends who had married using this last ditch attempt, it was deduced that most of them were married but still living single. Their husbands are either absent or very detached. So can we say it was worth it in the end? Are they winning?

I cannot, in all good conscience, term this as a Naija babes monopoly on insanity. A friend once told me of how, when he was in school in the UK, his then girlfriend, a french girl, attempted to trap him with pregnancy. She had gotten pregnant on her mum's advice. 'Mum' had told her that dating a Nigerian going to school in the UK was like winning a silver medal (Arabs are the gold medal...if you don't know, you berra ask someborry). She had it on good authority that 98% of Naija boys schooling in the UK were from privileged  backgrounds. And we know our brothers; na them pop champers pass. They had money, swag, clothes, the works. The friend in question, drove a really nice BMW. Little Frenchie came, saw and was bowled over. Mama was right afterall. She did the nasty with ol' dude and got knocked and was insisting on a commitment of the marriage variety. Ol' dude dispatched her to the abortion clinic with immediate alacrity despite her and her mother's tantrums.

While on the topic, we cannot raise this issue without mentioning the culpability of some parents who end up compounding the problem, as soon as a child gets pregnant. They begin to raise hell and invoke fire and brimstone. "They must marry...they must marry" becomes the war cry and they bundle their child into marriage with the baby daddy, like having a child automatically means being ready for a marriage. My sister is one person who absolutely cannot stand marriage procured by this method. Pregnancy, she reasons, does not carry the same stigma it once carried. It is not a license to sentence two people that are probably incompatible and clearly, extremely stupid to LIFE.

Are we regressing as a generation? In a generation where more women are getting the benefit of an education and very wide exposure I'm shocked that we still think this way. These are just some examples. My conversation with my cousin revealed several other women who had gone down this route to land a man and I was frankly dumbfounded. I actually thought some of them had married for love. But alas......

Is the comfort of a man's paycheck and his last name really worth going against the grain and putting the cart before the horse? Am I being too idealistic? Or too judgmental? I just feel it is better to not put yourself in a compromising position than to do so and let the chips fall where they may. I think my logical mind is what is preventing me from trapping some unsuspecting man's ass; i know  that the pendulum swings both ways i.e. 50% he may decide to marry me, 50% I won't see his brake lights till Jesus comes. I CANNOT be straddled with a baby. I'm too irritable and too scared of my parents for that.

This is my opinion; that he's willing to sleep with you does not mean he loves you. That he was foolish enough to not wear a rubber or wear one that you pricked a hundred thousand holes into with weave-on needle or to forgot to pull out cos you were telling him you were on the pill or however other stupid (or devious...depending on how you look at it) means you came about the pregnancy  does not make you guys ready for marriage. It is selfish to use an innocent child as a means to an end. That's a human being, you twat.

But after all is said and done, the reason this trick has survived through the ages is that it works. Simple as that.Love seems to fade in the background more and more as an important consideration for marriage. We are not going the distance as a generation in marriage because we have set our sights on things more fleeting than the enduring power of love and we now act shocked and surprised when we are left holding the (by force) baby when the proverbial hits the fan. Men are not exempt. You are what you eat. Don't act like you don't know where babies come from. When you 'do the do', be glad if all she turns up with 9 months later is a little baba. There are worse things you could catch from sex. *justsaying.
 So gentlemen, I advise you to take better care of yourself and your *you know what*.  It has become very valuable in the war against singledom.  Practice abstinence (yeah right) or do proper disposals or live to regret your carelessness. 

Heard of Turkey basters?  Anyone??

Guest Post

Hey my cherrybugs. Sorry for the moment of silence. I was very thrown and deeply saddened by the Dana Air crash. It really hit close to home cos firstly, though I didn't personally know anyone on the flight, I knew a few people who lost close relatives and friends, secondly, my entire family flies Dana strictly like they pay us or give us miles and those in the know know how frequent my Lagos to Abuja trips were. Whilst I thank God for his mercies, I deeply sympathize with those that lost people. May God grant repose to the departed souls and comfort those who were left behind. Amen.

I really felt writing something witty at this dark time in our nation's history was disrespectful to the recently departed but I gave myself a pep talk; honoring the dead is a solemn obligation that is done from within. So as an apology for being incommunicado these few days, I have a treat for y'all this week; a post from a guest writer and potentially my giveaway. Still musing over what to do for the giveaway. Shout out to @ilola for personally autographing the copies of the giveaway book. Guys, she is wickedly cool! I met her in person and I'm still in awe. 

So our guest today is my awesome sauce sister, W. She has written this piece about one of the things that grinds her gear; Proposals. @ilola, you thought I was mean, well here's my sister doing it the CherryChatter way. 

Take it away W

Hey Cherry's Cocos.

I had decided to come on here and abuse my guest privileges by being all judgy of people I consider stupid (based on my self made and sometimes socially accepted logic) but I have been getting right with the Lord  and this week on my 'Everyday with Jesus' there has been a lot about not judging and burying our criticisms (Matt: 5&7 if you're interested) which is lucky for all and sundry.

The devotional also touched base on not being controlled by passion and wrapping your criticism in love. This gives me ample wriggle room to 'cherrychat' about my topic of choice: Marriage and Proposals; wrapping all that criticism in love just for you guys!

 We all know that marriage is the new Louboutin and that rock on your finger, well depending on its size and who you are, is the most desired accessory of all times. Like, you have to be living within a rock, or be into your own sex, for you not to know this! One weekend, my friend had to ask if there was anyone left single in Lagos, as it seemed everyone got married that weekend. I challenge you to mention one weekend where someone you know or someone-that-someone-you-know-knows wasn't getting married (if you're accepting, please do so in the Barney Stinson way by replying; Challenge Accepted!.....then proceed to mention the weekend date)

I'm not a man hater or anything, I do love the brothers. But men be taking the piss! I have a friend who counts on me to bash men (which I rarely do) He says I jump on every opportunity to. But the simple, undiluted truth is men are kinda, sorta, STUPID (no offense intended guys). There is a youtube video that says this more offensively and creatively than I ever could. (if interested; search men are stupid...it's a hoot and a half)Anyways, I say men are stupid because as much as I hate to admit it, for most women, men still hold the power when it comes to deciding relationship status or even pursuing one. Women are getting more liberated, asking guys out, going for what they want etc...yes...but honestly, I feel that is the reason there i a whole lot of cheating and dishonesty going on. Ladies going around being spartan bitches, making googley eyes at other women's men all in the name of I know what I want. Eyin babes, e behave naw. If there were no women to cheat with, men would be left to cheat with themselves, animals, object...the list is endless. Some of them might like it and it sure does put a mile on my face...but I digress.

Men have the biological upper hand when it comes to begging. Yes, begging. I said it! I use begging cos most guys often forget they actually chased after you and begged for a relationship and act the fool. Guys. let's not forget, ok? I feel if you kept that in mind, you would act right more often. Consider the work man! Anyways, they have something built in that makes them the askers: 'will you go out with me?', 'wanna go away for the weekend?' and most importantly, 'will you MARRY ME?'As bold and advanced as women have gotten, we have not reached the 'let's do the proposing' stage. So guys are still winning on that front...I can imagine not for long as babes wan marry gaaan these days.

This is why I don't understand why a man who is not absolutely certain about the woman he wants to marry, will get down on one knee and beg to be married to a girl he's just about 50% sure of. You don't need 100% surety, marriage is not Accounting, but you need to be at least 95% sure. Let's take a minute to consider the steps involved after she says yes:

• You meet the parents to say the "mo ti ri ododo kan ninu ogba yin" (ie I have seen a lovely flower I want to 'pluck'), bearing gifts

• Do introduction; which has turned to a huge party on its own

• Do engagement where you get all your friends to spend half the day prostrating and begging (keep in mind; for a girl you partially want to marry), submitting foodstuff, bible and other bridepricey things. (this is yoruba style, the Eastern and Northern brothers know that their side has a lot more bridepricey things and ceremonies)

• Engagement dinner with family and friends if you're bougie like that

 My question is why? kilode? pourquoi? oginni? Why propose and go through all that?You get married and kasala burst then you say “I WAS NOT READY TO MARRY”! 

"Boy who proposed say what??!!" 

Ogbeni park well! Its a stupid excuse and an unfair one. Divorce and separations are so rampant it is ridiculous. "I was pressured to propose", "she rushed me", "my mother wanted grand kids" ( of which we all know marriage is not necessary for this, it is advised though), and worst of all, "all my friends are married" are some of the 'genius' excuses we've heard. One of my high school seniors got married to this dude, it lasted two- three months! Homeboy forgot he had done the bended knee and was still trying to live young, wild and free. How unfair is that?

 Married at 25, divorced at 25 kilode? These are all signs of immaturity. 

If the moment your knee hits the ground your first thought is  "crap!!! TF am I doing???!!!" Ogbeni, get up and say 'April fool!' regardless of what month it is. If she doesn't break up with you after that, please tell her you cheated a week later. If she still doesn't break up with you...rethink that proposal and do it again she is obviously going to stick with you through your silliness or run she is crazy. My point is you never have to go through with it, if you do not ask she can not say YES!

To make it worse they go around looking for pity; "My wife is not making me happy"...uncle check yourself. "I am not happily married it doesn't matter we can hang out"... aunty I shan’t judge you because I am not meant to bet....bet....check yourself. Cherry wrote a story about one uncle that was looking for sympathy after marrying a girl who now makes him unhappy and he now knows he didn't really love her,using the “all my friends were married line” . To that I say; now all you and your friends are married and you still have a problem? Dang! who would have thought joining them would not make you happy? Check with them and see if all your friends are unhappy too and make your decision based on that. I feel no sympathy for boys that play men’s games and get burnt, only for the women who thought they had married men.

Ladies, all the blame doesn't lie with the men, they may have the asking power but we still have to answer. We have the right to say NO when asked. Nobody ever got jailed for saying No to "will you marry me?" Nobody ever got badluck from that either. At the end of the day, it is STILL  a question like all others and there are always two answers to questions. I get it times are ticking and you have invested in this man, but time won’t stop ticking, it will continue ticking with this man  and supposed to be for the rest of your life! If your first thought when he starts going down on that knee is "what is he doing???!!!"  instead of "is this really happening???!!!" * OMG squeals*, please do both yourself and him a favour and say no. If you got a man that will not go down on one knee ( I lovingly say this is not acceptable), when he is standing and asking and your thought is errrm what do I say? say No or something that is non committal.

Please people do not let your passions and other people’s judgment of you push you into a commitment you can not see through, your mother wants grandkids, she can wait a little longer, your friends are married? become their wives husband number two( abeg no cause adultry o!), you want a kid? biko adopt from an orphanage, no one will judge you if you take them for deliverance. My point is people always have an idea of how other people should live their lives, but these people will not live it for you! You live for you only!

Ladies your clock is ticking, Abraham's wife gave birth at 90, abi nkan( lil rusty on my bible story), there is no rush to these things really, you have the rest of your lives to be married, happily married as it was intended. Why rush for a short, unhappy marriage and be back to square one? News flash, people will still judge you and even more so afterwards, so do not let people’s criticisms and judgement make your decisions. They forget to judge not lest they be judged as well but remember you will be judged by a higher authority if you make a mockery of holy matrimony! No be for beans they call it holy and its done infront of man and God.

Uncles, consider all the work that goes into a proposal, and begging and wedding, stop pussy-proposing to girls because they are pressuring you! That's the foundation for being a terrible husband, bows to pressure ke? Proposals are for grown men, be an adult about it or just don’t do it.

I say all these with soo much love, it is unbelievable. Thanks cherry chatter for inviting me to scribble on your page. Love you loads!