To define or not to define.....that is the question

This is my first post written on my new BlackBerry. Excited much? Anybody?? Just me??? Oh....ok. Anyways, yeah, I can now write my posts on the go again! Yipeeeee!

So to define or not to define? What am I on about? Ok, let me tell you. Let's set the scene shall we?

You're at your friend's dinner party, thrown purposely to hook up her looser friends with her husband's looser friends. You're moseying along, drink in hand, making polite noises when thoughts and words are directed at you, just generally minding your own business and then you're spotted. A guy walks over and introduces himself as Khalid. You spend the whole night chatting with Khalid. Dinner party over but you and Khalid are loathe to leave each other. You duly swap pins and promise to keep in touch. You think to yourself; he's a great conversationalist and he's quite interesting. In general, it hasn't been a terrible night. No romantic alliances were made, but you have met a nice bloke.
Fast forward to 6 months later; you and Khalid are still very much in touch. You talk at least 5 times a day. You're on bb every second. You see each other every night after work. You have dinner every other night. You have drinks and go to the cinema almost every weekend. You go for weddings and birthdays, house warmings and baby showers, shows and designer markets as each other's plus ones, you've planned trips away together. He's not seeing anyone and neither are you. You bicker like a married couple, you're together like a couple but the question is; is he your boyfriend? Are you his girlfriend?

This scenario is something we've all experienced. The 'pseudo-relationship'. Not quite a relationship in the traditional sense but a relationship nonetheless. It is a funny sort of relationship because most ones that I've witnessed come with all the stress and trauma of a relationship but little or none of the rewards.

 DJ is a very good friend of mine and she was in the most intense pseudo-relationship known to man (ok.....known to me) Let's call the guy Ben. DJ and Ben really liked each other at first. Due to his inability to commit, she went off with another guy but her heart was always with Ben. Needless to say, it didn't last with the other guy. DJ was soon back with Ben and the agony of wondering if he would commit. Ben was perfect for her, she thought, he wasn't seeing anyone and neither was she, he made all the right noises and they spent every minute they could find together. It soon became a sexual relationship. In a sense, it was your traditional relationship. DJ was the archetypal wifey. Cooking, cleaning up after Ben, ready to go to events whenever, always available for 'the nasty', knew all his friends, met his siblings etc. She got very 'comfortable'. She believed she was THE wife. It would only be a matter of time before Ben popped the question, right? WRONG! She confronted him at some point about the bevy of heifers always calling his phone and his answer, which was very short and simple, shocked her. He said 'we are not dating, DJ' Very eloquent....that Ben. She felt betrayed and was heartbroken. When she spilled her heart to me in agony and very much in tears, I hated to be the one to kick a devastated woman when she was down. But it was my moral duty as her friend. He's right, sez I. She looked at me with a stunned and betrayed look, I asked her to let me explain. The gist of what I said to her was that Ben was right. They weren't dating. She was just an 'enabler'. She enabled his commitment phobia. She was available to give him some ass, to clean his flat, to accompany him to events. She was on call at all times. The relationship was on his terms and suited him perfectly. He needed a 'sort of' girlfriend and wasn't yet ready for an actual girlfriend. And DJ was there enabling his ass. She thought that if she did things his way, he would see things her way. Yeah right.

This is just one way this kind of relationship exists. There are other subtle ones where you don't even think you're in a relationship. Not all of them have sinister under tones. Some guys really just can't come out to outrightly ask you to date them. They just hope that your friendship blends seamlessly into a full blown relationship. Whatever the motive, these types of undefined relationships tend not to favour the ladies, because we always want something more concrete.

So the question remains to define or not to define, when you find yourself in a situation that you can't particularly identify. Some people would say "if it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, then it is definitely a duck". I say, not in all cases. My ideal relationship is when both the guy and I understand the terms and conditions of what we are embarking on. Yup.....I'm that girl.....I like to have "the talk". I don't care how uncomfortable and embarrassing it is for you. We MUST have the talk so there are no misunderstandings. My sister says "what are you....12?" Well, I don't care. We need to be on the same page or someone needs to completely get out of the book.

What are the advantages of defining the terms of a relationship?
1. Exclusivity: not in the 'I own your ass' sense. Just in the 'not lulled into a false sense of security' sense. You can go out and say 'hey, meet my boyfriend'. It sucks to say 'I'm kinda seeing someone'. You're either seeing or you're not seeing. No 'kinda' anywhere.
2. You have the right to get angry when he steps out on you. If you're a kinda-girlfriend your confusion and inner turmoil as to whether or not you have a right to be angry obliterates the initial act that angered you.
3. At least you can hope (or comfortably delude yourself into believing) that you guys are going to go the distance.
In a proper relationship, along with its ups and downs, the biggest reward is the knowledge that in this cold, crappy world, at least you have someone to bitch to, throw things at, and cry inconsolably on their shoulders; essentially someone you call your own, who calls you theirs also. We all want to feel secure and a real relationship provides that security. It sucks when you feel you've blasphemed by calling someone your boyfriend. It sucks when you have to search their face to see signs of them being ok with being introduced as your man.

But let's not rain on 'not defining''s parade. It tends to favour the male demography but it could have its own unique advantages for the female that wants to play the field. Said female can 'date' in the actual sense of the word. I like the American concept of dating in its raw form; you can see as many men as you like. You're technically a single girl who is weighing her options. Kiss as many frogs as you like until someone drops the 'E' word ie, 'can we be EXCLUSIVE?' So, if the E word hasn't been dropped, the relationship has not been defined and you can enjoy yourself as a singleton, the way God intended. As it goes for men, no man who you're just 'seeing' can question your goings and coming cos, whorey as it may sound; he's not your man. He's just some guy you're seeing.

We need to be honest with ourselves as women. A lot of us are trapped in these pseudo-relationships and we don't know if we are coming or going. Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions. Don't be afraid to say 'dude, what are we doing?' One of three things could happen:
1. He could look at you with horror, mumble certain things that translate to 'you're pressuring me and I don't need this' and he will bounce.
2. He could stare at you in horror, fall on you with appreciation and say ' I've been meaning to bring it up but I didn't know if you felt the same way'
3. He could look you in the eye and say with a smile ' babe, we have an understanding'. At this point I expect you to slap the black (or whatever color he is) off him. The point is, you need to know. Don't let your feelings sucker you into having a non-relationship. Don't convince yourself that you shouldn't rock the boat cos everything is fine. Everything is NOT fine. You're not in a boat, you're dangling from the brow of a ship getting ready to fall into stormy seas. Rock that boat, muddy the freaking waters. Grow some lady-balls and man up. At least if you know now, you can get yourself. together and move on to another (hopefully) real relationship.You will be heartbroken for a while but feelings change with the wind. So if that relationship ends, tough cookie. As my friend UE once said to me; 'if he's not doing, he should get out of the way so that others that want to do can see'.

This I hold: if a guy likes you that much, he wants to take you off the market. If he is the shy sort, he will mumble some unintelligible things,which you may need morse code to decode, which essentially tells you how he feels. If he's not shy, he comes right out with it.  I'm not talking marriage now, I'm talking dating. People blend seamlessly into relationships a lot of time but more often than not, it is you building castles in the air. I'm just saying definition clarifies. That's my time.

Life and Times of Lovelorn Lagos Sisis: Joan's Story: The Conclusion

Hello everyone. Joan here....again. Where were we that last time? Ok.....where that mother of the devil was proposing that they carry me for sacrifice for the sacriliage of not getting married at 31. Ok, let me not break the gist mid-stream.

As I came 'to' from my waking-faint/blackout upon hearing the word 'sacrifice' I realised Mummy Uniben was still holding court on my matter with my mum interjecting on my behalf periodically

Mum: aunty, it hasn't gotten to that. I know my God is able. As He has done for her sisters, so He will do for her in Jesus' name. God will not....'

Mummy Uniben: Nkiruka, I said you should keep shut! I know what I'm saying.

Mama Ighe: If you and your mother are refusing to do sacrifice because of one Jesus, I have another idea. In my husband's place, when a woman is above 24 and she's not married, they make a special stool for her and put it in front of her father's house. She must sit there from morning till night so that everyone passing in their car o, on their legs o will see her. Rain or shine, she must be there until a man asks her what she is selling. Instead of you to be carrying bag every morning to go to work, I suggest your mother makes stool for you and puts it outside so men can see your market, ehn, Emilomo? Abi na?'

No people, Mama Ighe WAS NOT  joking. In her mind, she has offered solid advice that should be considered by all present as a valid course of action. My mother felt she had gone on long enough and she gave her another look that said 'SHUT. YOUR. BLOODY. MOUTH'. Mama Ighe, like I have already said, knows not to mess with my mother. My mum has 'brushed' her before. For you janded peeps, brushing means to physically assault someone. In this case, my mum didn't physically assault her, it was more like she beat her senseless!! I was a bit satisfied that Mama Ighe couldn't really dare my mum and the little talking she was doing was because of the dutch courage she was getting from her other sister-witches being present. Can these bitches get out of my house? Maybe I should say I am a lesbian and watch them all stare at both me and my mother in horror, before scrambling out of the house to spread the gossip to all and sundry. But I couldn't do that to my poor mother.

Mummy Uniben: This is not a matter of sitting down anywhere. Look here, don't you know what your mates are doing to get married, Emilomo? You are still expecting love at this your old age? Your mates are getting pregnant for men to force them to marry. You are going about believing in love. I've been married for 39 years. There is nothing like love. You need to open your eyes. You will be doing lagos girl up and down. Are Lagos girls not meant to be smart? You....you are the biggest dunce. It is either you trap somebody with pregnancy or you become second wife.

Me: Second wife? Trapping? But ma....

Mummy Uniben: Yes. Second wife. At this stage, I don't even care if it is third or fourth wife. All I know is, YOU MUST MARRY.

Mama Adokie: Are you not even ashamed of yourself? Ehn? They are suggesting everything, you are saying no,no, no. Are you not ashamed? You are here for your sister's wedding. Don't you want people to come to your own? You are looking for love. Sister has told you the truth. There is no love. Find someone to tie down. Do it by pregnancy or by juju or the two and do it quickly. My brother spoilt you. That's why you don't have sense right now

Look at the frustrated women offering advice. Women that didn't marry for love. I'm even certain that they used Mummy Uniben to clear debt. She looks like the trade by barter kind of witch. It was clear to me that all my father's sisters were unhappily married BUT they didn't think so. They believe they have achieved the ultimate female destiny and I was sorely lacking. I want to get married but not like these idiots.

Mama Mabel: Senseless girl

Mama Lucy: Mschhhhheeeeewwwwww. Strong head for nothing. Fine for nothing, no husband.

These ones too had to add their own two cents. It was under their breaths sha o. My formidable mother was not above kicking ass there and then. Anyways, at this point, enough was enough. What a bunch of unfeeling bitches my father's sisters are. Do they think I'm walking about gleefully, excited about not doing the things my mates are doing like getting married and having kids? Do they think I don't sit in my room night after night and cry and really pour my heart to God? I don't know any other way. I'm doing all I can in my power. I am pliable, well mannered, I don't argue, I cook, I clean, I read Cosmo to find out what a mordern woman should do for her man, I read the Bible to find out how a virtuous woman carries herself. I cannot kill myself. My whole waking life is consumed by the conundrum of why I am yet to get married. I had had enough of these tired witches and I was just getting ready to explode when 'stupidity' came to my rescue

Mama Ighe: wait o. You are all saying she should trap the man, with the way this Emi is behaving like one dunce, can she even 'do'?

I burst out laughing. I couldn't help myself. Simultaneously, my mum jumped to her feet and let it rip

Mum: EME, LOOK HERE, IT IS YOUR CHILDREN THAT WILL NOT KNOW HOW TO 'DO'. IT IS THEM THAT WILL NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEIR ORGANS. HOW WON'T YOU ADVICE HER TO GO AND GET PREGNANT SINCE THAT IS YOUR PROFESSION??DOMITILLA!!! AGARACHA!!!!  E BU AGARACHA!!!! BECAUSE I'VE BEEN KEEPING QUIET FOR YOU PEOPLE. YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST BE TALKING TO ME AND MY CHILD ANYHOW? EHN??? I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING AGAIN BEFORE I START CURSING SOMEBODY. LEAVE ME AND MY CHILDREN IN PEACE. I AM BEGGING YOU NOW O. AND YOU PEOPLE KNOW ME O. YOU KNOW ME WELL O EHEN. IT IS THE GRACE OF JESUS YOU ARE ALL ENJOYING RIGHT NOW.

Mummy Uniben: Nkiru, it is ok. Sit down! You cannot be shouting on my head. I am your husband's senior sister. Respect me, my friend!!!!  Eme, keep shut. We are all here for good. We don't hate you Emi. But you must marry and I'm giving you between now and next year to do it. Or else.....

She turned and looked at her sisters and said 'let's go'.

Having delivered her ominous proclaimation, she got up and left. Her sisters filed out the same way they filed in, after her. My mum and I looked at each other and breathed a sigh of relief. But it was all too much for me and I fell into my mother's arm and just sobbed for the longest time.

That was two years ago. I'm 33 now. I've gone over the 'time limit' allotted to me by Mummy Uniben. I'm going back to the village having flaunted her direct ultimatum. It is about to be a royal rumble and I'm sure this time around, not even my mother's stink-eye or her 'fight to the death for her children' attitude can save me from the 7 Witches of Irrua. I looked at my sister with a mixture of love, pride, sadness and trepidation; and I just thought to myself; Here we go again.....Anyways, bring it on!

Btw, I started dating someone new a few days ago......keep your fingers crossed for me, ok? And no, it is not the second wife option that was suggested.

Versatile Blogger Awards

To my lovely Coy-Introvert: You are the bestest. Thank you for the Versatile Blogger Award. It is my first ever blogger award and tears are streaming down my soul's face because I AM SOOOO HAPPY.  Thank you soooooo much. I would like to thank my Mummy and Daddy for..... Oh, it's not that kind of award???? My bad.

The Rules:
1. Thank the person who gave you the award and link back to them in your post.
2. Share 7 things about yourself
3. Pass this award along to 15 recently discovered blogs and let them know about it.

Them's the rules. So here we go

Seven random things about me......ok


1. I'm starting an underwear line soon (by next year at the latest)
2. I believe I have a mild case of (undiagnosed) OCD
3. My phone got stolen 4 days ago and I've been living in Technological Darkness ever since BUT I have enjoyed it more than I thought I would and it just dawned on me that I'm too inside my own head. Am I normal? (side note, if you were on my bb, well, it is lost now so mail me your pins and numbers again  @ lyteforlife@gmail.com)
4. I covertly watch indian films ( I will never admit to it if 'accosted')
5. My new favourite show is Undercover Boss U.S.A ..... I sometimes cry when the boss does magnanimous acts for the lowly employees
6. I think The Vampire Diaries SUCKS ASS.......... Sue me!
7. I am a sucker for cake. You can lure me anywhere like a little child , with cake. No 'Stranger-Danger' for me where cake is concerned. I can eat cake morning, noon and night.

Now for the hard part, I don't know if I know up to 15 new blogs. I definitely should and yes....I am ashamed I have 10 extremely versatile blogs to put up. But I promise, to stalk more blogs and come up with the remaining 5. I PROMISE.

Here are my fantastic versatile blogger picks;

• Ginger
• HoneyDame
• @ilola
• Laurenta
• Porcelain!
• Hazel
• KitKat
• Nawa4u
• Adiya
• The Bomb! Chronicles

I love you all in a way you won't understand. I laugh long and hard and think long and hard everyday and it is thanks to you guys and the one thing I really missed when my phone got stolen, was being unable to access your respective blogs on the go. Love you guys and thank you so much, once again, Coy-Introvert.

Survey Said.... (Conclusion)

Hello my lovelies. Welcome to the much anticipated second half of the gender turnoffs! Today...my gentlemen callers....it is your turn. Before I get into it, I must say, I was a bit disappointed by the turnout. I had expected a larger number of women to hit me up, but alas, it wasn't to be. It was a decent turnout but considerably less than what I had expected #justsaying.
With that being said, shall we? I suppose we should.
It was pointed out to me that this gender turnoffs regarding men may be akin to flogging a dead horse or filling a sandpit with water using a teaspoon. Why? You may ask. Well, women of all ages always feel they can improve on something. We have been conditioned to be sponges, absorbing both the good and the bad. We are teachable and moldable. Men on the other hand, when they pass the age of 10, think they have life figured out so they don't see any need to change their methods. Well, we'll see about that, won't we?
Righto, let's go gentlemen.
So the ladies were surveyed. The question was the very same: what do you find unattractive in men and what would you consider a turnoff/absolute deal breaker? Gentlemen, it was like de ja vu. we have 6 winners!!!!!! *confetti in the air, and 'banger' sounds with fireworks*

Coming in at Number 1 with 26 votes.....it is ATTITUDE! And you thought we were the only ones with attitude problems! Pah!!!! Oh yes, some of you have stanky-ass attitudes too. You won't believe the things that I've had to group under attitude problems. One thing most women surveyed said they absolutely detest in men is ARROGANCE. I have been made to understand that there is a thin line between confidence and arrogance, and furthermore, it is men that have nothing to be arrogant about that end up being the most arrogant. Hmmmm.....that's fighting talk, ladies, but I find myself agreeing with you. Have you seen those arrogant shites wanting you to bow down and worship at their temple of BS??? Wanting you to be grateful because they are sharing the time they would otherwise have been using to scratch their balls, with you? I can't stand arrogant men. Whilst I can't stand wimps, I believe a man should have a level of 'cocky' about him, I refuse to put up with an over inflated puff fish of a man who thinks he is God's gift to women with a face that looks like it was run over by a lawnmower and needs a serious personality transplant. Puhlease!!!!! That's just one thing that was emphasised. Another serious problem women have with men is rudeness. You being rude to a girl, your girl, her friends and/or her family is not big, neither is it clever. As a guy, you really have no business with a girl's friends or her family. If they are getting on your nerves, speak to your girl and she should set them straight. You getting all up in their faces makes you an IDIOT. Another one is stingy men. Oh yes sir, they are out there, pinching pennies until the penny cries for mercy. Stingy koko, no one is telling you to shell out for every whim and caprices of a woman, but it would not kill you to spring for popcorn when you go to the movies or to buy birthday and christmas presents.  Another one is nosy men. Jehovah! A nosy man is a disgusting man. Where were you, who was there, what did you wear, what did you say and on and on. Are you kidding me? Mind your business asshole. Women talk.....a lot. You will eventually hear what it is she got up to and with who when she's good and ready. You quizzing her doesn't mean she won't keep sevcrets from you if that's what she wants to do. So instead of looking like a giant, nosy/jealous dickwad, maintan your God-given dignity and let her blurt out her mess. It is the best thing to do. Men that nag. Are you a market woman at Iddo?To conclude, we also have bad attitude including violence. Non- violent, non- violent, it is the Martin Luther-King way. Flexing your rabid muscles by shouting at and/or hitting a woman makes you the lowest of low despicable creatures. Roger that. FInally, we have laziness. If you're a lazy man, you're just useless #thatisall.   

     In joint first place are insincere men. It is unfortunate that men do not come with a warning on their foreheads or on the side of their asses that they are not sincere. It is a damn shame. Some of us could do with that warning. There is nothing worse than letting an insincere man into your life. These are the weaklings that lie, that cheat , that are not men of their words and on and on and blame their inadequacy on the fact that they are men. These are the men that before you say anything, they justify their  act and hit you with that famous line from James Brown’s song ‘babe, it is a man’s world’ most of you haven’t bothered to find out the conclusion of that verse which is ‘but it wouldn’t be  nothing without a woman or a girl’. Yes, my loves, that’s the conclusion of that verse. So in the end, it is not really a man’s world, is it? So stop blaming your inadequacies on your gender. We are all flawed, but nobody’s gender dictates that they should break promises or cheat. That’s a flaw in your person, not in your gender. It is a deal breaker for most women but the unfortunate thing is they don’t really find out about this flaw until much....much....later after very many lies.

In second place is personal hygiene. Yes you grubby beings. Men believe that being men is a licence to be dirty. I don’t understand who writes you people’s rule book. Being dirty is not ok. I have been in some men’s rooms (what I was doing there.....really not your concern. I was sha there) and you would swear  the entire room was a huge Petri-dish used for cultivating hitherto unknown bacteria. And not the good type. Men ARE dirty. It is a given. But that is not the only thing that qualifies as dirty in women’s book. The main of the main was bad oral hygiene. Hmmmmm.......it shows respect to a woman, if you pop a mint in your mouth before approaching her for a kiss. Some of you are just not cutting it in the fresh breath department. Some of y’all’s breath be kicking like karate, jujitsu, capoiera and a baby with hard white shoes, all rolled together. Dayuuummmm! Teiste a peiste ever so often, genrel men. Oh you do? Then I have another tip T I C T A C. You may be cute as hell, but if your breath smells like garbage on a hot day,  that’s just sad. In addition to the aforementioned, women think the following are just plain dirty and extra unattractive,  dirty nails (if you’re not a mechanic, then why?) long nails especially long pinky nails (again, why?) guys that don’t shave. We get it, you’re a man’s man, but take a razor to your extra hairy bits and pieces from time to time, so we don’t mistake you for that hairy guy in the Guiness Book of records, over worn boxers. Ewww.....if the smell on your boxers can grow feet and walk, there is something seriously wrong with you. I don’t get this tho. I’ve seen boxer packs, they usually come in twos or threes, wear one, wash one. You need to.  You retain smells in your usually ungroomed privates, do your lady a favour, wash your underwear before the smell of you alone causes her to go into rigor mortis. The same goes for you smelly feet freaks. That kills me. Keep your shoes outside. Feet funk is so bad, you can almost taste it. Smelly feet is definitely a no-no for me. If your feet smells like aged cheese, buy some foot stuff or keep it moving. A lifetime of that will cause me to off myself and we can’t have that.

In third place: Insecure men. Women hate you! We don’t want to be rocking you, whilst stroking your hair and shooshing you and reassuring you that you’re the only man in our lives. We don’t want to have to talk you down from a ledge when you see another guy looking at us. Man up! But insecurity manifests itself in different ways. My list includes, men that are threatened by successful women. You punks know you’re out there. The minute your wife gets a raise that pushes her 50 kobo higher than you, you can’t handle it and you begin to act out. Shame on you, I say. Men that can’t handle intelligent women. Your manhood is threatened when a woman has a firm grasp of politics. You would rather she was talking about Care Bears or Kim Kadashian because then she can’t stand toe to toe with you and all is right in your world. Men that want to be sure they were better than your ex. Rule of thumb, if I’m with you, you’ve won that battle. These guys make me sick, they begin to conduct sexual surveys about your sex life before them. Some women lie to make you sorry brothers feel better about yourselves. Don’t put me on blast. I suggest you don’t ask a woman that is fed up of that crap, her answer may just shock you. Men who feel they are inferior to certain women and would only talk to them when, by their own estimation, they have ‘arrived’. This happened to me once and I gave the guy a piece of the deep, dark, side of my mind. Men that size women up by asking stupid, test questions. If you let things follow their natural course, you will get the answers to your questions eitherways, but NOOOO, you must ask stupid questions like you work for Phillips Consulting ‘where do you see yourself in 5 years?’ ‘what are your career objectives?’ ‘if you could ask God for one thing, what would it be?’ My question: are you normal? Men like this irritate me and I know a few. Talking to them is a chore and you end up ignoring their pings/calls. Men that believe a woman is too independent.  Men that believe a woman’s place is shackled to the kitchen sink, you’re showing your ass sir, put some pants on. This is 2011 and that is ignorant. Obviously, it goes without saying that men who are controlling and obsessive, fall in this category.

In fourth place, is the big one. Sexual put offs. Oh yessir. Some of you are......SEXUALLY INADEQUATE. Shocking!!!!!!! All these men are walking around here believing that they are the shit. You’re some shit, alright. I’ve been asked to tell you that, if you can’t put out in bed, you are grossly unattractive. A list of problems include men believing all women are the same and conducting their sexual business the way they did with girl A with girl B. Newsflash, we are all very different. Take time to find out what pleases us, would you? It is very rewarding. Men who think, their thingy is the magic stick and by them bestowing it upon your vajayjay, you should convulse in pleasure. Buzzer Sound:WRONG. It has been scientifically proven that not up to 10% of women achieve climax by thrusting alone. We need other stimulation too. Someone should have told y’all that. Wandering the earth, believing in your own hype.Ta! Kissing: if you can’t do it right, BIG, BIG turn off. No body wants a wet vac, a dobberman, a shower, when being kissed. You should achieve the right balance between moist and dry. Let’s take it a step further, my cousin told me of a guy that licked her face. LICKED HER FACE! What are you? A cat? You have got to be kidding me!!! That would have signalled the end of that makeout session. But my cousin is on the nice side. Don’t go about shoving your tongues down people’s throats. There is a finesse and an art to kissing. Learn it.  Another problem is men who cannot control themselves. Specifically, men who give up the cookie at the slightest touch. By cookie, I mean cum. They have not even touched you, you’ve splattered all over the place. Shameful! Others are more diet related. Some people said they can’t stand smelly sperms. You hate fishy Ps, well, we hate smelly sperm. Some ladies said small ‘equipments’. They can’t stand the sight of small dick men acting like they don’t know that thing is small. I was told to suggest Yem-Kem potions as a solution for y’all; smally and stinky. Also, peruse the internet for other solutions. Another sexual problem is men that conduct sexual surveys after the deed is done. ‘How was it for you?’ If it was great, there would be absolutely no need to ask that stupid question. Your neighbours would have known it was great.

In fifth place is outward perception/presentation. How men present themselves, subconsciously is a problem. A fore runner is men that always touch/grab their package. We know you have a package there. There is no need to touch it every minute to ensure that it hasn’t disappeared. You don’t see us putting our hands down there and taking a whiff, do you? Won’t you be put off by a woman that does that? Well we are also put off by you pseudo-masturbating in front of us. Some women and I’m one of them, hate bejewelled men. Men that go through the same amount of rituals as us in getting ready to go out, chain, earring, handchain, anklet sef. What was specifically mentioned is barely there necklaces aka chokers, on men. If your name is not Bingo, then you don’t need a collar. Why would a man wear a choker, I ask you? Over groomed men are also a problem. Metro-sexual men, we like. Take pride in your outward appearance but not too much pride. Shapened/over-shapened eyebrows anyone? Don’t you just vomit a little bit in your mouth when you encounter men with shaped eyebrows? I know I do. Whilst skinny jeans is now a trend amongst the men ( I do not know why tho) it is not for everyone. If you find yourself muffin-topping over a pair of skinny jeans, remove that article from the pit of hell before you subject yourself to unbelievable ridicule. If not, the girl pointing at you, whilst convulsing in laughter will be me. Pretend forne on a girl is disgusting, on a boy.....i’m lost for words..... It is puke inducing.

Finally, misc. Women find  these unattractive:

·        Men that have no interest in sports. We just can’t trust you and we are secretly wondering if you’re gay. We said interest, not that we should become football, basket ball, tennis or nascar widows

·        Men that are Slowtards. That is slow + retard rolled into one. Always the last to get the joke, cannot converse. A guy that is an air head is worse than a girl that is an air head. Women don’t have the luxury of being bowled over by a pretty guy. That’s a man’s forte. We were not built to know what to do with an air head.

·        Some people mentioned guys that can’t dance. I thought it was strange. But apparently, it shows that you’re sure footed and confident.

Well, this wraps up the Survey Said segment on CherryChatter. Hope you enjoyed it and it proved somewhat helpful.