My sister said.....

My sister is 4 years younger than me. She's gorgeous, fun, interesting and extremely wise beyond her years. She says a lot of wacky things and sometimes, I ignore her verbal diarrhea. But, I've found that a lot of fun facts she tells me are actually not really wacky at all, but are in fact, true. My sister told me that no one can fart while sleeping. You must be conscious or semi-conscious to fart. I'm like 'whatever. It is an involuntary action'. But I started to notice that I was always sorta awake when I farted in bed. TMI???? I apologize.
When we were approaching the new year, my cousin and I were going through a lot of boy drama. The "should I or shouldn't I?" "He's stressing me" variety. My sister ignored our bitching for the most part. When the new year rolled around, we were having a catch up chitchat and my sister goes, "look, enough of the drama. If you guys are not happy, leave the relationships. Stop being so stressed. Our motto for this new year is Improvement or Recruitment"

See, wise beyond her years. Improvement or Recruitment. It really is as simple as that. Sometimes, the solution to our boy/girl problems is not necessarily sticking it out till things become better; which is the solution a lot of people want to go for or think they should go for. After all, I've said in the past that I believe patience is a key virtue that anyone who wants to go into a relationship long-term, must have.
But there are some relationships that haven't been built on the right foundation and are not built to last. If you're in a relationship and you're stressing about the whole thing cos the person is just not doing you right, do something for me. Think back to the last conversation you had and try to recall verbatim whatever it is you spoke about. Can you remember? If you can't remember abeg don't pop a fuse in your brain. (Btw, if you have the memory of an elephant and you can remember what you wore on 30th June 1991, this exercise might not work for you. #justsaying) Now think back to the last time you had sex. Can you remember that?
Ok, compare notes now. If your most vivid memories are your conversations, you may consider working it out cos conversations show a deep connection and a meeting of the minds. It may be worth giving it a shot with that person. If your most vivid memory is the sex, then you're barking up the wrong tree. Sex is purely physical, it is when you add other elements to it that it becomes elevated from just the physical to a soul connection. You're not doing anything special by having sex. I just deleted a picture of two dragon flies having sex on the wall of my building, from my phone ( I know.....a bit pervy) All I'm saying is, learn to prioritise and know what is important. If the relationship is going on with just your bodies and when you're out of touching range, you really don't know what to say to each other, I only have one question for you....Really????

This is not just for women ( I have been accused of being a bra-burning 'woman' rights activist) My darling brothers, you lot think you're so hard but when you fall, na die. You become simpering idiots. If you are dating a girl whose only talent in life is the ability to relieve you of your hard earned naira, biko, jo, please, si vous plait, inform her that she has to improve, in fact, completely renovate herself or you will recruit. Some girls are absolutely not for real and you guys can't see past their curves to the real intent. I need you to put the boob down, step away from her body and think rationally. Are you always buying and buying to prove your love? I am not against gifts. I LOVE gifts particularly unexpected ones. But if you're doing it because she expects it of you and it is a prerequisite for your relationship with her to still exist then you're what is known as a maga. If you're happy tho, let me not break you and her up.
If you have a girl who is not ready to commit the whole of herself to you but you would rather have half of her than none at all, then I suggest you call a few friends, form a search party and go and look for your self esteem. Do you think that lowly of yourself? It is time for her to improve or you get to stepping. Trust me for, every one shady girl, there are 5 loyal ones. You need to make up your mind to be happy. Being single is not an incurable disease. Take time to find yourself and find a great person who wants to share with you, pray with you, rejoice with you and love you. They are out there. Relationships are meant to provide you with companions that make you happy. That's the blueprint. That's why God gave Eve to Adam. If you're unhappy in yours, it is because you're in the wrong one so your blueprint is kinda wonky.

If you don't clear out the old, you will never make space for the new. Let me take that a bit further....if you don't clear out the old, you'll be blinded to the new. It is a mind thing. A friend once told me about this guy she liked who said he liked her too and even though she knew in her head that they weren't dating, she could not allow any other guy come close enough because to her, they were together. It sounds looney but an average girl is not cut out for double dealing and when we latch on to an idea, it gets so built up in our heads and we start to live in some kind of parallel universe where our idea is reality. Have you never thought you meant more to a man than you actually did? In the end, she discovered that it wasn't even that deep for the boy and she had to get rid of her foolish notion and it was almost as hard as being broken up with because she had to reorganise her thoughts and feelings.

My beautiful sister was right. I live in a country where the population is 154,728,890 (source: World Bank World Development Indicators 2009) and I insist on staying with a knuckle head who is not ready to commit. I deserve to be unhappy. Enough of my pop psychology. Today marks the end of June. By tomorrow, the year would have passed the halfway mark. It is time to stop flogging a dead horse by hoping for the best in your deadbeat relationship. You are 29 and your 'boyfriend' can't define what exactly the two of you are doing not to talk of what the next step is.....improvement or recruitment, my love. If you leave him now, that gives you July-December to sort a new man. 'It's so hard Cherrywine!!!!!' Shut up with your whinning! Visualise your ideal relationship (and be honest.....) Are you in it? If you're not, let's improve abeg. We should all make it a goal to be happy and take proactive steps to achieve the same as the year ticks to an end. Please, take my sister's advice. It is important.

As a cheery aside from all my nay sayings, this was hastily thrown together cos I'm off to Ghana tomorrow (see here to know how this came about) and I didn't want to miss my one post a week target :) Ghana! Ghana!! Ghana!!! Can't wait. I intend to have maximum fun. :D so catch ya larra folks.

Stop running from God!

I talk about a lot of things on this blog but there is one particular thing that I love that I've not dedicated any space on this blog to. God. There have been hints on various posts that I'm a christian. I was born into an Anglican family but I'm just starting to develop a personal relationship with God. So far, it has been interesting. This is not the post where I quote a hundred thousand bible verses to prove my christianity. I just want to talk a little bit about my 'process'.

Like I said, I was born into a christian family. Both my parents are born again. Church was something I did. We went to church in my house on Sundays and sometimes during the week too. I happily trudged along. When I became a teenager, church became more of a social outing for me. The only reason I went to church was to look cute and mean mug the boys I quite fancied but would swallow a grenade whole before admitting. Fun times. :) That continued for a few years till I went to University in England. I was away for five years. When I was away in school, I NEVER went to church. Imagine that. Almost three years of not going to church. I often consoled myself that I couldn't find any church I liked and that's why I didn't go to church. But anytime I went 'home' to London, I would go to the local Redeemed Church. That was no skin off my nose because the Pastor had the hottest 4 sons you ever did see. They are semi-famous so I won't name names. But for those eye candies, I would get out of bed, carefully apply my make up and plaster a smile on my face and go and 'do' church. Then I started my Masters Degree and I went to church a grand total of 3 times and one of which was when my mum came to visit from Lagos. And she was quite happy when some old white lady recognized me in the church. That cemented that I was a church goer in her eyes. Confession: that lady didn't know me from a stick of gum! You know that thing where all black people look alike to white people? I'm guessing that's what happened. She probably mistook me for my flatmate or some other black girl. But I capitalized on it. And all was hunky dory. My mother dearest was satisfied that I had not crossed to the dark side and knowing my mother, she would have reported back to my father. My excuses for not going to church when my flatmate was getting ready ranged from; it is too cold, to I'm tired, to I just don't feel like it.

The real reason I wasn't going to church was that I was running away from God. I can see that now cos we all know how hindsight is. As a christian that grew up in Nigeria, I didn't really believe that portion of the bible that said 'there is therefore no condemnation for them that are in Christ'. My understanding of Christianity was that as soon as you came to Christ, you are not allowed to make any mistakes ever again. And that once you commit any sin, you are cast out of the fold. That is how some ministries operate. The forgiveness aspect of Christianity is glossed over but the condemnation bit cannot be over-emphasized. It is a case of 'how dare you sin! This man died for you and you sinned! Ha! Ha!! Haaaa!!! You are going to BURN to a crisp. You bastard sinner'.....*dramatic spit*
So instead of facing all that drama, I decided to cut and run. Oh, I prayed. One month, I prayed every day and night. Other times, it was when I needed to finish my coursework or I was in some kind of academic trouble. I was running from God cos I was doing things that were not pleasing to God. Things I'm not going to put on here but know they were not good enough. And I felt, well, I'm already cast out from the fold so why not make optimal use of my 'casted' out time and just do my dirt on my own without some God Botherers sweating me about it. And that's what I did. I wallowed in my unrepentance. And the devil, crafty bastard that he is, used that opportunity to help me 'diversify'. So I went from doing one unwholesome thing to doing multiple unwholesome things.

I knew in myself that I wasn't living right. I was incomplete to a large extent. And you know when you're not right with God and you enter a christian gathering where prophecies are coming forth with full speed and you're like 'nobody better see squat about me here' and you become jittery like a hoe at a Bishop's convention and you can't wait to leave. And by virtue of my parents status within the christian circles, they befriended a lot of pastors who would come to our house any time we were around for the holidays and lay hands on us. I'm walking into the living room confessing all my sins because I didn't want them to see anything they may say aloud to my parents hearing because that would be Game Over for me.


And this attitude went on for years; fear mixed with defiance. I didn't want to let God in yet but I was scared of what might happen if I didn't. And even on the few occasions when I made it to church, I would have spent Saturday 'kicking ass and taking names' and just when I would be getting into the worship, a niggling voice would creep in and convulse with laughter at how hypocritical I was looking and the shame would make me clamp up and sit my fake ass down. A friend told me once that the devil, unlike God, is not omni-present so what he does is that he attempts to use the gifts of God; our memories and imaginations, against us. So he can't be there to torment you all the time, so he let's thoughts of things you've done, keep you awake at night and disturb your communion with God. this was so true for me. I just didn't want that voice judging and laughing at me so I ran from God.

But God's wisdom is the only valid wisdom on earth and His ways are not our ways. Those things that I thought were completely horrible, though they were, were not difficult for God to understand and pardon because above all things, He wants for me to prosper as my soul also prospers and His thoughts concerning me are of good, to bring me to an expected end. I'm starting to know God for myself and he's not the stuffy icon of myths but a very dynamic being. I make bold to say that the Ancient of days is cooler than most of your friends. He is so cool. It is only God you can tell that you murdered a man and He will forgive and accept you no questions asked because there is no condemnation for them who are in Him. How cool is that? How many people can do that? They say they are not judging you but they are thanking God that they are not you and are not in your shoes. He is so dynamic in that though He is not compromising in His values, He is so evolved that He understands the problems of yesteryear and those of today and He deals with them in a fashion that is tailor made to every issue.
When I stopped running and started to attempt to delve into the mind of God, I began to realize how much time I had wasted and how unnecessary my agony had been. It is not God's will and wish that I should perish. So His hands had been wide open the whole time and instead of running to them, I decided to stay where i was being pinched and prodded. No ground breaking event happened to turn me to God. I kept waiting for such an event but in time, I came to realize grace was available and I was a fool for not taking advantage of it. Am I a completely different person? No, but I'm getting there. My orientation is changing. It is like when you are an addict and you go to rehab, they say rehab teaches you new responses to issues. So instead of turning to drugs or whatever, you learn a new way to cope. So I'm learning new responses. It is a process and everyone goes through it in their own time. There are struggles and challenges because, my factory setting: child of God, has been reconfigured and for twenty something years, I've lived my life according to this reconfiguration and it is time to hit the reset button and it is being pushed slowly. Like I said, I'm getting there and this is a snippet of what my process has been like.

Final thots: I don't know if this could be termed as preaching but if it is, dang, I'm a preacher now. Lol. But I just wanted to share this process because I'm sure there a lot of people out there who like me, have been afraid to turn to God or who some sanctimonious Christians, playing religion, have scared away. The bible says my people perish for lack of knowledge. If you take time to know God for yourself, you will find that he is everything you need rolled into one, God is funny, sweet, loving, giving, forgiving and on and on. He demands YOUR best, not the best you have copied off of some Bro. Moses. A lot of us fall short because we want to be all these things we think are pleasing to God but we are really just living up to People's standards and not God's. He wants you for who you are, to obey and love him and that's as simple as my Christianity is. No extras.
With these few points of mine, I hope I have been able to convince you and not confuse you to stop running away from God ( does anyone remember those crappy debates? Lol)

Self Recrimination

This post is going to be nothing like my usual posts. I'm not advancing or advocating any female issues this time. This is more a nod in the direction of my brothers. I don't even know where to start from but I guess the beginning is as good a place as any.

A blast from a very distant past resurfaced in my life this past week. He is this guy I met when i was 19 through my best friend. He was her oldest brother's friend. He is ten years older than me. At the time, I felt that was too old. He liked me and he treated me very nice and with respect but I made it clear that he was too old for me and I didn't think we could date. In hindsight, I guess inspite of being honest with him, I may have actually encouraged him periodically because I enjoyed the attention. Sue me. He lived in America and would always call and stuff I felt he was an almighty botherer and I was often cold to him. But he liked me and he would put up with all my childish tantrums. I just wanted him to go away. And eventually, he did. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I was dating a jerk, the thought of whom would forever haunt me. But at that time, the sun shone out of every orifice he possessed.
I never thought much of the other guy, let's call him *Dayo. But my bestie would update me about his life from time to time. I knew he had gotten married and he had 2 kids. She would often say "oh Dayo asked after you". One time we were speaking and she said " oh Dayo asked after you" as (relatively) usual and I'm like ok, how is he doing. You know, the polite questions you ask about a person that has become a complete stranger to you. And then she went on to say "he still likes you a lot. And he's told me a few times that when his wife upsets him, he thinks of you and what could have been". I laughed about that and chalked it down to the rantings of a man about 'the one that got away'
On tuesday, last week, I was just arriving at work and my phone rang. Imagine my surprise when the caller on the other end turned out to be the long forgotten *Dayo. I didn't even know he was in town and there was no heads up from my so called bestie (you left me wide open, L, and you know it. But I love and forgive you anyways). We talked; he asked after my family and I asked after his. And the conversation suddenly veered to "cherry, my wife that left me hanging" and I'm still laughing, thinking it was all a joke and this guy broke down and told me things he had never told me before. How he knew what he wanted and how all he needed from me was a commitment at that time, not necessarily marriage, how I did him greasy and messed with his head, how his friends did not find it funny that a 19 year old child was stringing their boy along in this manner, how as an ill- conceived plan to help him get over me, he was given a girl whom he knocked up and subsequently married, how she's violent and always calling his job and embarrassing him, how they don't understand each other, how he's been contemplating a divorce since the minute they signed on the dotted lines, how every time they have a fight, he says to himself that it was all my fault, how she dislikes my bestie because she knows it is one of her friends he likes and on and on. Normally, I would have just ignored his rant as that of a married man that wants a lil' sum-sum. But he sounded so depressed and unhappy. I had to ask my bestie if he was making it all up. And she said, it is for real and he's deeply unhappy in his marriage.

This revelation led me on a journey that had me facing up to what a terrible person I had been when I was younger. I may be flattering myself but my first thought was how a decision I had made in such a cavalier manner may have in turn, derailed and ruined someone else's life. Someone who had planned a life with me, I discarded without even a second thought as to his well fare, especially his mental well-being. And it just made me realize how self involved we human beings are.
When we have had our hearts broken, we go tell it on a mountain, any one that has ears must hear it whether they care to know or not. We women are especially fond of this. We are very vocal about being hurt and what bastards men are. We never take the time to look inwards at what terrible people of questionable character we sometimes are. Men are not as vocal about their hurts but they hurt as deeply if not more than us. And this hurt has far reaching consequences because they are not built to absorb pain like women were. A friend told me that a bad break up led him to become more serious with his Christian life. Men have to do an action as soon as they go through a heartbreak. Women (me) need time to heal. A lot of my male friends have told me they will heal with the next girl who falls into their laps. So most times, they have a rebound that escalates into a relationship they can't be bothered to end.
This is not about women in general. It is about me. For all the noise I'm always making about how men don't take due care and consideration when doing women wrong, I am just as equally guilty. I'm not as insightful as I think I am or want to be. This is the first time I have ever looked back and asked the question from the other side. This is the first time I have ever wondered what became of the guys I decided I no longer needed in my life. I am so bad in that I have the tendency to forget about people or things that add no value to my life. But why would I conclude that someone adds no value to my life? Everybody has a footprint they leave in your life once they come into it. I've just been so shallow and self absorbed. It has been all about me: my feelings, my hurt, my hopes, my fears, my aspirations, my life. I treated that guy so badly and the perceived ricochet effect is not something i want to deal with. See, I'm still doing it! What is wrong with me?
My sister is of the opinion that I shouldn't beat myself up over the issue. That *Dayo made his bed and now he's complaining about having to lie in it. I agree that he went on to make his choices of his own free will but I'm left wondering if I didn't have a bigger role to play in how things eventually turned out.
Lesson learnt. I now know to treat people and their feelings carefully. *Dayo didn't commit a crime in liking me. I'm the criminal for treating him so badly for it. It is important that we always anticipate what reactions our actions may provoke. To *Dayo, I know you are not going to read this, but I am deeply sorry for how I treated you and hurt you. I was childish and immature and even though I believed I didn't want to date you at the time, it is no excuse for how I treated you. I wish I could take it back but I can't. I pray that God gives you the requisite patience and wisdom needed to sort out the issues in your marriage and grants you the grace to enjoy marriage as intended.

Well, that's it folks. I'm sorry if this post depresses anybody but I'm quite unhappy myself so enjoy some of my unhappiness. We've heard my sister's view on the issue, if you have anything to tell me as to how to handle the situation and feel better, please, please, please leave me a comment. I could use some advice right about now.

Madonna-Whore Complex

*Warning: this post contains some sexual contents. If you're under 18 or you're my sister, W, or my brother, A, stop reading NOW!*

I've been having a lot of conversations with this particular person that have been inspirations for my posts of recent. So, Chibueze, thank you for being my "muse"

So, I was chilling with my girl, Lara and the aforementioned Chibueze and we were shooting the breeze and talking about relationships and suddenly, the conversation turned to sex in marriages. And Chibueze proposed that most men would never ask their wives to perform certain sexual acts on them because those women are their wives and they don't think their wives should do things like that. I felt this was a lot of hogwash and a major cause of extra-marital affairs because men dream up this madonna-whore thing by labeling certain women in certain ways.
                                                  
I was particularly concerned about what he said because I realized it was probably the way 80% of men feel about sex in their marriages. To my mind, the kind of men he was talking about, get married and begin to perceive their wives in a certain way; she is the life-giver to their perfect children and the only reason to desecrate her body will be when it is time to bring forth these perfect children so they "mate" to procreate(that even rhymed.lol) So I'm thinking that's every 2 years or so; depending on the type of family planning they practice. That's the madonna aspect. They look at their wives the way they look at their mums. We all want to believe our parents only had sex to the tune of the number of kids they have so in my case 3 times! So the wives take pride of place where the mothers are; saintly, does nothing disgusting (only missionary and only for the purpose of procreating) Pollyanna, Stepford wife. Period.

Now for satisfying the other baser needs, you look elsewhere. It is like a bad Mastercard advert: "for cooking and cleaning and children, there's wifey, for everything else, there's master-whore." *said in the bored voice-over of the advert man*
These men look to other women outside of their marriage to satisfy the freak in them. On the positive side, I think this is one of the major reasons why men rarely leave their wives for these heifers outside. They see them as, for want of a better word; whores. They are tools used to satisfy the needs the man thinks is too debauched for his wife to see to. So these men get girls to pee on them, to slap them around a little bit, to stick them up the ass with dildos etc etc. We have heard of these types of cases from Politicians to business men.
                                                           
These are the type of men running around, placing impossible conditions on women, talking about "I must marry a virgin" (I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being a virgin) so when they finally find their virgins, they put a ring on it and display them in the Smithsonian Museum of Happily Ever After, taking them out once in two years to "polish" them and putting them back on display.
But where did this attitude of categorizing certain women as madonna and certain women as whore come from? A woman who is married to a man, pledged to honour him with her body. Not just as a receptacle of his seed but for every purpose (aside from punching bag) your wife is there to satisfy your every need: emotional, physical, sexual, intellectual and every other 'al' I can't think of right now. So why do you shut her out by placing a restriction on the type of things she can and can't do with you?
Let me let you men in on a secret, your wife is a bigger freak than you are or if she's not, she's willing to learn and do whatever it takes to keep you and her marriage. We women have always heard from older sisters, cousins, friends and American movies that if you don't give a man what he wants, there's someone else outside that will go that extra mile. A friend once told me how her neighbor came crying to their house because her husband had told her to give him a blow job (this was in the 90s before the blow-job epidemic of 2000 and beyond, where a man cannot walk outside of his house for fear of being assaulted with a blow job on a platter of gold) and she was inconsolable. My friend's mum told her she had to do it and even develop a liking for it because that's what her husband wanted and if she insists on not doing it, another girl would. That's sound advice. Women are not as squirmish as men think they are. We have the propensity to shit babies out at random and you think we can't handle a little reverse cow-girl? Give me a break!

If your wife is not into whatever you're into then your marriage is in trouble. And I think a lot of it emanates from men failing to level up with their wives. Look, there's nothing wrong in saying "baby, I have a penchant for S&M. I can't cum if I'm not being whipped to within an inch of my life" Yes, she will be shocked. She may cry for a day or two, but that's not because she's sad that you're a sexual deviant, its because she's wasted so much time in doing the wrong things. Trust me, by the end of the week, she will be the proud owner of a cat- o- nine tails whip, a leather bustier, a gimp mask, thigh high boots and the name; Lady Painderella. What woman won't give anything to whoop their triffling husband's butt???? I digress.

We can't lay the entirety of the blame of the madonna-whore complex solely at men's feet. Certain women believe in this complex too and they make me so mad! In an African setting,the wife is the life-giver and nurturer. Mix in some religion and it is a potent mix indeed. You are told in church and by your parents that you MUST be a good girl and that follows you through life and messes things up for you sometimes. Some wives believe that upon marriage and having one or two kids, they should be elevated to the position of sainthood. All these sexual things are beneath them. Excuse me Saint Wifey: SHAPE UP OR SHIP OUT!!! Nowhere in christian religion ( don't know about others) does it say "thou shalt not get freaky with it". It says tho that you should not commit adultery and if you're not coming up with the goods and your husband commits adultery, both of you have sinned because you have deliberately withheld your body from him (thus breaking your wedding vows) leading him to share his with strange women( thus committing the act of adultery) No one can tell me, hand on heart, that there's a portion of the bible that says you shouldn't drop it like its hot on your husband. No one! So let's be real. Marriage is a complex body with a lot of components and sex is just as important as trust, love and commitment. Also, men have the attention span of a 2 year old gnat with ADHD. They hear these things from their friends and they want to try it out, like a new shiny toy. Just indulge them and go with the flow. You may just enjoy it yourself.

You don't need two or more different women to satisfy your needs. You need the one. And I know some wives are getting on in age with diminishing sexual libidos but you can't count them out of the game yet. If there are new things you've heard about, share them with your wife, she may roll her eyes at you but I guarantee you she's on the internet the next day researching the hell out of those things. Women are really biddable when they're in love.
                                                             
                                                      

                                            


Final thots: there is no woman that is a madonna or a whore. We are both things. I make bold to say, under the right circumstances and with the right persuasion, we are more of whores. That girl you think is such a good girl is probably holding out on you and is probably an Olympic sex champion gold medalist. That's not to say you should start wondering the whore to madonna ratio in every girl you meet. I'm just saying don't peg women as one thing, we are more complex than even we know. And ladies, I can't count the number of times I've heard men from Ludacris to Joe Average on the streets, say: "we want a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed" I know men have double standards and if you bust a move on him, he may break up with you for being a big slut but a lot of guys ( at least the ones I've spoken to) appreciate a girl who will put in some work. It makes life fun because the rest of your life is indeed a long time.

©  2011 Cherrywine. www.cherrychatter.blogspot.com

The Goose-Gander Conundrum

So this is full gbeborun that I want to do right now. My ex gave me one gist a while back that left me awe struck. something happened that reminded me of this gist (story for another post)Since I'm not a gist hoarder, I will share the gist with you. (Thank you Cherrywine. You're welcome booskis :D ) He went to a wedding. It was a normal wedding by all accounts; the bride was blushing, the groom was dashing etc. He had gone to the wedding with a friend. Throughout the wedding, the friend kept saying he knew the bride but he didn't know where from. Like 2 months after the wedding, my ex's friend called him and he said to him (I'm paraphrasing here tho) "you know how I kept insisting that I knew the bride from the wedding we went to a few months back, well, I was right, shes here, in my house right now with my cousin and they've just finished doing the nasty" Needless to say, my ex's jaw dropped to his feet. Sad and sorta funny as this story was, what was funnier was my ex's reaction to it. He was so horrified and upset that a woman would dare cheat on her husband, he was almost spitting nails. Him, a renowned woman wrapper, thong, pata nla, everything! I didn't help matters by laughing uncontrollably. I wasn't laughing at the poor, shall we say, henpecked husband, I was laughing at men and their double standards.

Now, before I am accused of condoning cheating (by guess who? Men.)the post is mainly pointing out the fact that the dynamics in marriage have changed. In the past, it used to be that the men went out to work and the women were housewives or had some petty business on the side. This type of lifestyle does not leave room for any type of questioning. It was always a "yes sir" situation. Abi you no wan collect house allowi? The women were repressed because they didn't have any real means of livelihood other than their husbands and men being what they are, exploited this situation to their advantage. The women had to put up and shut up or not put up and vamoosse to their father's house. Period.

If you're a woman, particularly a Nigerian woman, you're accustomed to men thinking certain things are the sole preserves of men. It is an open secret that a lot of men have dalliances with other women whilst married. There are so many high powered men who have been named and shamed eg. Bill Clinton and the Monicagate, John .F. Kennedy and the rumored affair with Marilyn Monroe, to name a few. In Nigeria, this is not even a big deal. It is an accepted part of marriage and if you, the legal wife, are attempting to cause any unnecessary drama, the likelihood of you packing your Ghana-must-go on your head and leaving the man's house for daring to question his manhood(yes ke), is very, very,very high. Nigerian men don't play that question and answer, shame nonsense. If you have a problem with it, leave the house. The young girl sef is already fixing to take your spot. But what is baffling and simultaneously amusing is that men don't play that shit. A man who is cheating on his wife with 5 women at the same time expects her to just grin and bear it. But the minute he hears that the woman is even talking to another man on the side, it is a wrap. He begins to cry about how he can't trust her and how she should leave his house, involving his family, who will accuse the wife of wanting to kill their son and the wife's family, who will be thoroughly humiliated. All of them conveniently forgetting that he started it in the first place. Men are big babies who do not like to share. Their body too dey hot! Wetin? Na only una like better thing? Lol.

Well, I am gleefully reporting that the tables have been turned. There are pioneers in our midst, ladies and gentlemen. Yes! Women who are giving new life to the phrase "what is good for the goose, is equally good for the gander." I know my male friends will slay me for being gleeful about this, but whatever! Some modern women just do not take this cheating lying down. The minute they find out their men are cheating, they take a couple of days to mourn the demise of their marriage, wash their faces, put on some make up, put on a fabulous freakum dress and hightail it to work to get a lil sum sum from some junior staff. Yes people, the days of men being the "cheaterS" are long gone.

Nowadays, you have women being nominated for men of the year awards, running multi- billion naira conglomerates, having successful businesses and careers. All I have to say is: gentlemen, welcome to the jet age! Take away the financial insecurity and you will find that women have A LOT to say about how they are treated.

A lot of women are fed up of being treated like crap and it only takes one "friend" to sow the seed of infidelity. The minute the seed is sown, it takes root and it is only the strongest of women that can resist the lure of the forbidden fruit. Young men are about and aplenty, looking for a quick buck, they will service your wife's engine to her heart's content and she will be seeing them for 500miles servicing every other week. Men do not want to believe that this can happen to them but it can and it probably will if you continue to treat your wives badly. Plus why do men find it hard to believe that just as there are little, for want of a better word, heifers, out there, willing to provide them a service for some money, there are also little porn stars out there, tired of hustling and wanting some dough?

Having exhausted my glee, let's be real; cheating for whatever reason, is disgusting business. I'm still also a proponent of the old school in saying that when a women does it, it seems somehow worse. I feel it is because you stand to loose a lot. In a society where it is important for women to be seen as chaste, it is quite hard to say what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Also, I find that women who cheat on their husbands often cheat on good men. Men that really have done nothing to deserve that type of treatment. The chilled bruthas. So mostly they end up hurting men who do not deserve it, then the marriage ends and a bitter,jaded man is expelled from the bowels of that marriage making the work harder for single girls like me. Warn yourselves o. Just playing.
I cannot, however deny, that I am happy that the tide is turning on men.  I hope this post instils the fear of God in your heart. And if it hasn't, I hope this will; you can NEVER, EVER in your life, be as vindictive as a woman scorned and you will never in your life pray for a vindictive woman. Women are pure evil under the sweet smiles and luscious bodies. When a woman has it in for you, the sky is just the begining. She will kiss you with the same mouth she has used to mic check another dudes thingy, minutes after she  finished mic checking! Think about that for a minute. Treat us right or you will get what is coming to you. Don't start shit and there won't be shit "bad 70s movies actor voice" *mwaaaaahhhaaaahhhaaaahhhaaaaa* *insert movies thunder clapping and lightning here*