Birthday Blues

 It was my birhday 3 days ago, 26th of May.  I'm a birthday person. I love birthdays, mine and everybody's. But in the run up to this particular birthday, I was a bit depressed because inspite of the baby face and little stature, I cannot deny that I'm getting old. This is not even about the age thing. I've just been wondering where the time went! Just the other day, I was 18.....now, I'm 2....! Shocking!!

The days before the birthday, I started wondering what was making me so mortifyingly afraid of this birthday. I wasn't feeling any older, my bones weren't creaking, nothing of the sort. Then it hit me.....I was scared because I hadn't done a lot of things I thought I would have done by this age. I wasn't married, I didn't have kids, I'm yet to own and operate my own business, I still don't own my own house on the island etc. That freaked me out. I talked to a friend about this and he was trying to draw my attention to the things I actually had achieved eg my academic achievements. I wasn't having none of that. They were not achievements as far as I was concerned. Everyone has some sort of qualification. I happen to have 4 but my profession demands it. So that didn't help to brighten my countenance.

I just really wanted the day to be as delayed as possible. Then I wanted it to come and go quickly I went through all the motions in getting ready for my birthday; I got my hair fixed, I did my nails (I may be getting old but no way was I going to be looking tore up from the floor up) ordered some food etc but I still wasn't as excited as I was for past birthdays. I'm an old woman and I was begining to realise it. An old woman with a lot of unrealised goals and too many stand up comedy series. Oh the great depression!!!!

Two days to my birthday, I had an ephiphany: all those unrealised goals were set by a 16 years old me..... the me that read too many mills and boon novels, hated my parents, recorded my music off of Ray Power radio station, thought black nail polish was the height of being fashion forward and whose only heart desire was to be allowed to wear an anklet. That girl didn't know a damn thing about the real world. She was a giant dick head. The one thing I had going for myself at 16 was that I had a dream. It was a good dream because it helped me do what was required of me to scale through life. Yes, there are things that have remained undone and unaccomplished but I am getting there. I realised that as my friend pointed out, I have accomplished a great deal. I'm grateful for the life I've been fortunate to live.I am indeed very proud of myself and my accomplishments and I have faith in what tomorrow is bringing my way.

So, having had a moment of clarity, I looked forward to my birthday with my usual expectant anticipation. And you know what? I had a blast!!! My sister and brother treated me to a trip to Ghana, the people in my new office gave me a lovely cake, I had an out of town surprise, I had a couple of lovely presents, I smoked shisha with a bunch of amazing friends and I went out and danced the night away. It was an amazing night. Unfortunately, the next day was a friday. I turned up for work ready to bitchslap anyone who gave me grief. Ah, it is not like it used to be. I am really getting old and I can't do a lot of going out the night before and turning up for work the next day. But this birthday helped me come to some realizations and appreciations about and for myself and helped me face up to certain realities. Things could be better but they are not terible right now. I am living and enjoying life.

The Dating Pool

*all pictures courtesy Google*

So I'm hearing Lil'Wayne has no love for us dark girls. This news is probably so last year for most people but I'm just getting the memo. Let's get my view on the issue quickly before we move on to the crux of this blog:
Lil Wayne, you little, Uncle Ruckus, darkkies hating shit. How you gon be racist to your own people? Your mama black as shit and Reginae black too! Toya is the best you will ever do in your country ass life. But keep running around shitting on good women. Memphitz knows what to do with that Toya Booty! Fuck you and the shoes you rode in on! *Spits dramatically*
Well, now that I've given some free, none existent publicity (any publicity is good publicity,right?) to the show; Toya on BET, moving on.

Yeah, so that's how I feel about lil' Wayne's stupid ass.(All you rap heads can hit me up with your 'Wayne is the best thing since sliced bread' crap. See if I give a damn!) So what was I saying? Yes, dating pool. I read a seriously hilarious post called Give the white boy some ass too! or something to that effect and I had just finished writing this post. I laughed so hard and the guy captured my emotions to a tee. His post was so similar to this albeit a bit too gangster. Funny. So funny.

Anyways, It would be terribly unfair to deem Lil'Wayne a persona non grata because of this little tidbit. I know for a fact that ALL, yes, I said ALL, black men want to get with white or light skinned (call them half caste or mixed race or whatever) women. It is ingrained in their DNA. "Naah ah, not my boo. He loves me and I'm as black as it gets" Honey, yes, your man. His wanting to get with white or light skinned women has nothing to do with his love for you but everything to do with satisfying a morbid curiosity.
I went to school in a predominantly white town. And the black boys completely ignored we the black sisters and were dating white, asian and mixed race girls. I used to get sooooo mad at this! Interracial dating pissed me the hell off. But it was sometimes funny. My friend S.O, stumbled on the funniest scene ever in a market in London: a black guy taking his Chinese wifey through the market and showing her the food he likes and their yoruba names. Eg. "This is okro. It is called ila in yoruba and I love it. I'm going to teach you how to make it." Awwww sweet! I'm sure my friend felt like stalking them through the market. But she didn't. She's not creepy. I would have, tho. You know that Chinese girl is not really trying to learn how to make no damn okro. You better love eating Chinese food cos that's all you will be getting. Okro ko, edikaikong ni.

I've actually never discussed how mad it made me with anybody until one stupid boy came to talk to me about why I am always so uppity and looking down my nose at the black guys in the school. I'm like "as a collective, y'all ain't shit. And you demand too much and give little or nothing in return" and he's like "see, you're a typical black, Naija babe. You people are toooooo long! White girls just do it. They just roll with it. It doesn't matter. They will do you and your boy. They don't give a fuck! Why are you people not like that?" I asked a simple question; "do you have a sister?" He said yes and I'm like "I wish her all the easiness and all the rolling with it you wish for me and other black women" He got upset and left. And I'm like, well why did he leave? He doesn't like having (or thinking about potentially having) an easy sister? Eeya. Shame.

So this led me to realize that apart from wanting to get with a white woman for curiosity sake, black men actually believe they are easier to lay and they do not have any drama. My favorite part of the movie; The Brothers ( the BLACK one starring Morris Chestnut, Bill Bellamy, D.L Hughley and Shemar Moore) was when Bill Bellamy's character found out that this wasn't true. Shocking! If anything, white women have scary drama. It may be over generalizing but white girls are crazy. At least the ones I knew in Uni were. My friend Sharon, told me how she held up her ex (a black boy) at knife point until he apologized for cheating on her. A friend of mine was stalked by an ex of her boyfriend ( a black boy) for 8 months. Had to get the police involved and get a restraining order. Lorena Bobitt cut her husband's penis off and threw it out of a window and on and on. See, scary drama. Black women just bust the windows out yo' car and move the hell on.
Basically, Nigerian men condone us blackkies whilst they are here because.... they have no choice! The white/mixed race community in Nigeria really don't like dealing with black people. Why? They just don't . A friend took me to a club in VI that apparently just started letting black people in. This was in 2008. We were being Jim Crowed in our own country. It was meant to be a place for the expatriates to chill without any darkkies popping up in their faces. If you don't like darkkies, I suggest you move back to your country. Simplez.

So when these Nigerian men get the opportunity to hop accross the pond to some whitey country; and it does not matter which sweaty armpit of Europe they end up in, it is on the agenda that white tail must be acquired. It is as normal as visiting tourist sites. Madam Toussauds, London eye, white girl. That's how it goes. They become like kids in the freaking candy store. So many options so little time. And white women too have heard that black men are "packing" (I've had A LOT of them asking me to confirm the truthfulness of this myth. I've neither confirmed nor denied, so my black brothers, on my part, I've done my bit to keep the illusion unshattered) so they want to investigate, and presto, you have a pot of steamy hot interracial, jungle fever dating. It is not the drama black men are scared of. Infact, I go as far as to say they like the drama and they were happy to put up with it. It is the white and they know it.

So, like I said, I used to be so mad @ interracial dating. But one day, it occurred to me that it was not necessary to be mad. What these boys have done is widen their dating pool. We black women, particularly, we Nigerian women, hardly widen our net. We want our black brothers only. Preferably sef, from the same tribe, state, village, hamlet, street, primary school etc as us. We sit there complaining about men but we really just mean black men. We don't want to mess with the white boys. They're not cool enough and how do you trust a person that turns so many colours? (A bit of racism there....pardon me) Apart from this tho, one major problem is white men generally don't mess with black girls. I used to think this was a subtle way of being racist. Sometimes, it is actually racism but other times, it is because they are intimidated by us. Black women, y'all know y'all fly!!! You don't have 10 pounds in the bank but you're wearing the hell out of your leggings and boots with an amazing bag, a head full of peruvian hair, face made up to perfection for a class that lasts one hour or to a job that people just rock jeans and sneakers. Black women can dress! Yessir. A lot of the white women i know don't really care about dressing or anything. Black women make an effort and they come off as very intimidating. Also we can like to shout and talk loudly!!! It is not very 'Wisteria Lane' upper, white, middle class nieighbourhood of us. Get a gang of black girls together and you can hear them all the way in Timbuktu.
So we dress well, we are loud and we look like we can break shit. So, yeah, a tad intimidating for white boys (except Eminem sha)

I met this girl who worked with my cousin. She was his boss. My cousin told me the greatest love story involving this girl.She was a Nigerian girl, living in the UK that had a lot of things going for her. She was extremely clever, she graduated from Imperial with top grades, she made serious bank, she works in one of the top oil companies the world over, she had her British passport and to top it all up, she is so freaking gorgeous and she could out dress Naomi Campbell. So I was wondering why she was still single. My cousin said she liked Nigerian men but they were either too intimidated by her success or they just wanted to use her. Anyways, one day, my cousin calls me up and he's like one of their senior bosses; a white guy, came out to say he's had a crush on the girl since like forever! Apparently, she was getting ready to leave to company for another company and the guy just had to seize the moment. Apparently, he's always loved her but she was so good looking and elegant and stand offish, that he was scared. Plus he had to do her appraisals so he didn't want to be seen as being biased. He offered to move to London to be with her. Like, leave his job and relocate. And at her leaving do, he composed and sang a song for her. Only white people do that! Seriously!!! I just thought it was too sweet.
That's a sweet thing to do, don't you agree? I personally feel white boys can be all out sugary sweet and not care about it. A man, that can break out a guitar and burst into songs (composed by him) in a room filled with his underlings and superiors, alike, has no shame in his game! Black men are too concious about their image and not appearing "pussy whipped" to try spontaneous sweetness like that. That's not to shit on my mandingo brethren. They can be sweet, in their own way but I doubt if it would be something as 'gay' as that. An ex once cooked me something to eat with his non-cooking ass. I didn't say "get the fuck outta here! Are you trying to kill me????" I smiled as I forced the half cooked rice with broken egg shells (yes, he had tried to boil an egg too by boiling it in the rice. Can't cook worth a damn but he's going to be Chef Boyardee and multi-task on the day he cooks for me *rolling eyes*) down my throat at the risk of the egg shells ripping apart my voice box. I had to encourage him. That was the height of his niceness. He had never cooked and I got him to cook for me. Wow. Mind blowing.....not!!!

Anyways, I decided I wasn't going to limit myself to black boys anymore. Whilst I didn't seriously date any white person, I had a few cuties that we would talk and talk. There were two memorable ones, a second generation british Indian. So cute. So sweet. He didnt see why we could not date and kept telling me how he adored black women and my Hungarian honey pie. Who is still seriously in the running. I still talk to him till this day and we have a deal that if I don't get married by 30, we're giving it a shot. Lol. He has been inviting me up to Hungary and I may just go. So sweet. Tried to change my view on the concept of "having a drink" which is that I don't get it. Since all I need is one glass of juice and I'm fine, not 10 bottles. We had some steamy "exchanging heated glances" moments in the 24 hour room, during exams. Oh, to be so young and so in "love" lol.

But what I found was that black boys hate interracial dating as much as we do. Black boys don't play that black women dating white men crap. It is a literal slap on their faces. It is like you're saying they are not enough for you and they take this VERY personal. I found this out when I was 'facebook active'. I took a picture with this boy from Russia who said (and I believe, cos I have another friend that claims this) that he descends from Mongols. So he looks a bit Chinese'y'. People would just not let me rest with the stupid comments of 'don't bring a white boy home' and 'I hope you're not dating the chinko" those were the half serious, half jokey comments. Some people took it so P that they emailed, inboxed my facebook and called me and had great rants about "Cherrywine, what the fuck, now? Why are you messing with white boys? I never took you for a sell-out". *said in a gruff man-man voice* It wasn't even that deep. Sell out???? I laughed and laughed. But it hurt when the poor boy had to speak up for himself due to the less than flattering comments even though I tried as much as possible to diffuse the situation.I got the same flack when I took pictures with a random Indian boy on my graduation. Double standards hommies.
All I'm saying is, black women should not be so hung up on always dating black men. Sometimes, your true love lies with another race. Please go for it. It would be dumb not to. Don't let your racist mother (we know they are all racist) jealous friends or hating ass brother or ex tell you otherwise. The time has come to widen our dating circles and stop the "us against them" mentality. If a black boy is not cutting the mustard and a white boy is begging to be your every, please chuck up the deuces to that idiot and keep it moving. You'll be glad you did. I know it is easier said than done. Particularly if you live in Nigeria, where the pickings are slim. I'm just saying on the off-chance that it happens, don't scorn it. Explore it. Open yourself up to possibilities. You really never know.

Disclaimer: this is not a blog justifying what our 'sisters' are getting up to in Italy or even here in Nigeria sef. Those ones are hoes! Judgmental??? Good. That was my intention. I'm actually talking about falling in love not relieving some fat Egyptian man of his Forex after you've been fondling his man boobs. Eeewww! No diss Egypt. Love the Sphinx.

The Soundtrack to Your Life

"if music be the food of love, play on..." Duke Orsino, Twelfth Night.

I hope you guys will stay with me on this one. Have you heard of the 5 stages of grief? Well if you haven't, let me drop some knowledge. When you go through a period of grief, you experience what is known as the 5 stages of grief namely; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. These are coping mechanisms that help you come to terms with and get over grief.

Having broken up with and been broken up with by a few people, I believe that one form of grief we all have in common is the dreaded break up. The stages of grief definitely apply to break ups. You can totally fit how you feel during a breakup into everyone of these stages. I've come up with a sixth stage as it relates to break ups: recovery. Just stay with me.

What I've found over the years, is that in a strange and twisted way, music is inextricably linked to break ups and heart breaks. You don't believe me? Try this: when you get broken up with or you've just broken up with someone, put on a radio and it is guaranteed that the first two stations you switch between will be playing a song about how somebody did somebody wrong, or how you will get over the person or a song that was the "our song" of your relationship etc. Generally, a song about someone going through what you're going through.
Think back to your last break up and how you dealt with it by putting on Lauryn Hill's Ex-Factor, singing on top of your voice, going "care for me, care for me, you said you'd care for me, there for me, there for me, said you'd be there for me...." with tears running down your face and body wracking sobs tearing through your body, still wearing the knickers you were wearing on the day of the breakup, four days ago and making everybody around you hate Lauryn Hill and her stupid Ex-Factor song. Or maybe that's just me.

Music helps you feel better when you are going through rough times. Anyways, if you're going through a heart break; that boy you like is not feeling you back, or a break up; she cheated on you with cross-eyed Daniel, I have a fun way for you to go through your heartbreak. I have taken some songs from my playlist that I feel will fit into whatever stage of grief you're going through at any point in the breakup. They may or may not help with your process as I'm not a therapist, but I don't think they will do a lot of damage. I really do hope they help or at the very least, make you smile at the foolishness. However you feel tho, agree with me that it is a wacky form of therapy but music you can relate to is indeed food for the soul. So here goes:

1. Denial:

 "what????? It can't be over. I love you and you said you love me. I'm not even going to believe that you said that." This is that period when the world is spinning on a very shit axis. This is not the way it was meant to be. You were meant to end up in a white dress, walking your fine ass down the aisle. Instead you just received a shocker. Is he playing? Will she call back and say "psych!!! I can't believe you fell for it" ? All the plans for the future, babies' names etc, gone down the drain. Is this for real? This is a very confusing and painful moment as we all know. Here are the songs that match this feeling of disbelief and confusion.

a. All I want is you- Miguel ft. J. Cole
b. Holding back the years- Simply Red
c. Always be my baby - Mariah Carey
d. Love will lead you back- Taylor Dane

2. Anger:

"fuck this bitch!" "How will this bastard treat me like this after all I've done for him?" this is that period of angry indignation. Youre finally over your denial. This shit is for real.You remember all the things you've ever done for the person. That Prada watch you gave her for her birthday, that time you drove through traffic that lasted 6 hours to go and see him in the hospital, that time that she was broke and you broke her off a large chunk of your salary to get her pretty girl swag on. You feel cheated cos you did all these things for love. Do you feel used and like you've been taken for a fool? Well here are your songs:

a.Heartbreaker- Mariah Carey
b.just like a pill- Pink
c.I hate you- Kelis
d.Should have cheated- Keisha Cole
e. Bust your windows- Jazmine Sullivan


3. Bargaining:

you're mad it is over. But there is no on/off button for love. You want your man/woman back. You wonder what will make him/her come back "maybe if I do this she will come back" "maybe if I look like this, he will regret leaving me and he will come crawling back". I do not have a lot of bargaining songs on my playlist, but here's a selection

a. Back to black- Amy Winehouse
b. Incomplete- Sisqo
                                        c. Chasing Pavements - Adele

4. Depression:

you've done all you can to bring him back and you're begining to realize he's gone for real. You heard through the grapevine that she's now talking to this oil and gas baron. It does look like it is over for real. You can't explain this black feeling that has come over you. You don't feel like eating because nothing tastes good cos he's not here, you don't feel like bathing because you don't want to wash away her scent, you don't want to go out because the world has reverted from being technicolour to black and white and dreary. You're just so inexplicably sad. That, my friend, is the famed depression. Terrible, wrist slashing depression. Well, take it away, playlist

a. The one I gave my heart to - Aaliyah
b. Unbreak my heart - Toni Braxton
c. Not gonna cry - Mary J. Blige
d. No ordinary love - Shade
e. So sick - Neyo

 5. Acceptance:

you've been crying for 48 hours non-stop. Your eyes are a mass of red viens and you can barely see through them then you get an epiphany; well, it is truly over. I gave it my best shot and it didn't work out. I'm tired of crying. Sometimes, you don't arrive at this epiphany yourself; a well meaning friend, sister, brother or cousin grabs you by the shoulder and shakes your ass till your teeth rattle "get over yourself, you self pitying shit. You KNOW his ass was not worth it but you are curled up here like a two dollar crack whore whilst he's grabbing some skank's ass in the club" or "boy please, you're going to let a woman do you like this?let's go to the club and look at titties". So you snap out of it or shake it off. Whatever has happened, here's your song

a. It's over now - 112
b. All cried out- Allure ft 112
c. Emotional - Carl Thomas
d. Walking away - Craig David
e. Me, myself and I - Beyonce

6. Recovery:

You've gone through a myriad of emotions and having accepted the inevitable, you're recovering. You have an out of body experience where you see that things were not as great as you told yourself they were. There were cracks in that relationship aplenty. You can now see that he was a scum bucket. You can see that you viewed her with rose colored glasses the whole time. They really weren't the people you have built them up to be in your head. You can see that you clearly dodged a bullet and not having a girlfriend/boyfriend is not all that bad. No one wondering if your BB status was a sly dig at him, no one questioning who the babe on your display picture is and throwing a hissy fit. Life could be better but it is not all bad right now. Youre going to be alright. Welcome to the other side. Here are your victory songs.

a. I will survive -Gloria Gaynor
b. Deuces - Chris Brown ft Tyga, Kevin McCall
c. Irreplaceable - Beyonce
d. Survivor - Destiny's child
e. Doing just fine - Boyz II Men
f. There you go - Pink

Final thots: well, that's all folks. I hope you were at least, amused. Life screws us sometimes and people do bad things to us. But we appreciate everything life throws at us cos it is always an opportunity to learn a lesson. Music has healing powers, i swear. It can make you laugh, cry whatever. So i hope this has made somebody laugh.Do not judge my taste in music. I like old songs. You can comment and leave songs you felt should have been on the list that were ignored. I would love that.

Marriationship

I've come with my made up words again, abi? No vex. I was going to go with Marriaging. Marriaging and Marriationship, whatever. This post is about a worrying trend that began to spread in Nigeria within the last ten years. I'm quite surprised that this trend is now so widely accepted in this country of all places.

I was gisting with a friend and I asked after a mutual acquaintance that I knew got married like 2 years ago. And she's like "didn't you hear? They've separated o! Ah, they separated since, like 6 months ago" Chai! A marriage that lasted for a year and six months. How totally depressing. Separation and divorce is now so commonplace in Nigeria. What is more terrifying is that it is most popular with newly weds in the 20-35 age bracket (this survey was conducted by ME.lol) Seriously tho, what is up with us? My mother is always saying how she feels sorry for this generation. Our must to-must to of everything western is too much (Cherrictionary: must to-must to: the act of doing things by force. Eg. She does not have front hair, but she must to-must to do Ghana weaving. Courtesy: Onayimi! Lol)
The bible is against separation/divorce but I think it is something that you do out of necessity. It is sad but necessary when (for instance)you are in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship and you don't see any other way out. But it is not for every whim or every obstacle in marriage.
I'm not married so I am terrified of what is going on out there in marriage land. My friend, T.O told me something that shocked me to the core. She said she asked a boy who was getting married if he loved his wife, and he said he liked her enough and if it didn't work out, they will get divorced. This was a profound for me because of two things. One, he viewed the forthcoming marriage as a continuation of their dating period. This is a problem because he just felt well, if it doesn't work out, we will end the relationship, the same way you do when you are dating someone and it doesn't work out. Two, divorce is ALREADY on the table whether the girl likes it or not. A guy contemplating a divorce before he has walked down the aisle is a big worry. Most people are extremely happy and to them, marriage is for life. If something goes wrong along the line, those people are devastated. This guy, is PREPARED! And i feel since he has already thought of divorce, there is no way he won't always consider ending the marriage when things are not going the way he wants them to.

Anyways, I've come up with a list of happenstance that I think contributes to the rising rates of divorce in Nigeria.


1. The aso-ebi debacle:

I've been privy to the inner workings of a few weddings and aso-ebi is not a laughing matter. I jokingly told my mum that I don't want the aso-ebi drama when I get married and she said "Olorun maje!!(God forbid) I've bought for other People's children so they must buy for my own child) I'm the first child, so no real say in that regard. I'm resigned to that. This is not about me, so moving on swiftly. I've noticed that a lot of marriages are entered into for the love of aso-ebi. Aso-ebi in this context, embodies all the pomp and pageantry associated with a Nigerian wedding; the big white dress, the decorations, the drama filled engagement/traditional wedding, the different societies your parents belong to wearing their different collies etc. Girls have dreamt and dreamt of their big day since they were about 10. So the minute one guy produces one ring, you or your mother(who is tired of waiting on the Lord for you, after all, you are not the only child, your siblings need her prayers too) will just pounce on the ring and begin to choose colors and call caterers. It is not really about the guy at this stage. So when the music stops and the 'spraying' has stopped; the wedding is officially over and the marriage has begun. It is you, him and the four walls you dwell in. Marriage is a life long commitment. Taking the time to know each other before committing to anything is not just advised, it is highly necessary. If you rush in, you will rush out. So when there is no more fanfare or any great expectation, you begin to nit pick and the sun doesn't really shine out of his ass, as you once thought. Straight to divorce court. The end. This brings me to the next point of why young marriages collapse.

2. Lack of patience:

There is a reason why patience is a virtue, it is because patience demands that you are excellent at holding your peace for the greater good. This my nowadays girls???? No freaking way. Before you finish talking one, they have talked 25 with neck movements and finger gestures eg: " naaaaaaah-ah, you N-E-V-E-R speak to me like that. Nobody talks to me like that. Even my father never spoke to me like that. What do you mean where are your cufflinks?" neck and eyes rolling like the girl in The Exorcist. Boys sef are not exempt from this tomfoolery.

In our mothers' generation, the women were more subservient. I'm not a big fan of the marital kowtowing but a little bit of it in modern marriages is not an entirely bad idea. We are a generation of empowered women; great education, well travelled, fantastic jobs and/or businesses where some of us are the shot callers. It doesn't make for a subservient or submissive woman really. But we must try to at least let the man THINK he is the king of his castle.
Yoruba people say, two mad men cannot be in a fight. One has to calm down for the other. Sadly, it always falls to women to exhibit maturity in the marriage. Don't know why this is, but it is. Most women no longer see the point of this maturity; I'm not saying I blame them but some men are impossible to live with. But both parties have to have the desire to be patient with one another. Where patience is lacking, there is no marriage, trust me. When you're not patient, a simple thing like snoring or burning food will be grounds for a divorce.

3. Ojukokoro:

 

Yes, it is our good friend, ojukokoro again, ladies and gentlemen. This is a devil that plagues both men and women. This particularly gets my goat because it is BS on a lot of fronts. What do I mean by ojukokoro in marriage? Well, I will tell you.Leaving aside submission and lack thereof, most of us ( me inclusive)have become accustomed to a certain standard of living, having been raised on the finer things of life. So, a guy that wants to marry me, must come correct. You know what I mean, some "mula" to afford me my little comforts. No shame in that. I am aware that a high percentage of marital problems are finance based. But here is what I think (and I know it is easy for me to say, cos I'm not married) but if you have gone into a marriage and things are unraveling or are not what they had seemed, I believe you should stay the course. They don't just say the "for better or worse, for richer or poorer" for the priest's good health. It is a VOW.
Once you've married someone, you marry them forsaking all others! It is in your vows (for those of you that sleep through your vows or go through them in a daze. You're committing to some serious stuff) But what I've noticed is that nowadays couple don't think that portion of the vow really applies to them particularly when their spouses cannot come up with the goods. For women, it is material. If your husband hustles and buys you a 2010 Camry and you live in a 3 bedroom flat and you're generally comfortable, you will still find some women who compare their husband's pocket with his friends' or with their own friends' husband's pockets "well, why can't we live on the island" "why can't you buy me a range?" "when will we travel 5 times a year?" "I'm tired of this 3 bedroom flat, I want a house" ah ah. Relax now. Fingers are not equal.
For men, it is how their wives look. They want to "stunt" with their girls. No shame in that. I strongly believe that as Kelly Rowland said, a women should keep it tight, keep her figure right, get her hair did and be rocking the hottest outfits. It makes all the difference. HOWEVER, making unfair comparisms between you wife and other People's wives is just not on. She doesn't have the same body type or the same "freak in the bed tendencies" as your friends' wives or your ex girlfriends but you saw her like that before you married her. Be content with your lot and help her improve on whatever you feel she is lacking in WITHOUT criticisng her. More importantly, stop letting Sports Illustrated, Victoria Secret catalogues (oh yes, we know you steal them from us) and porn come between you and your wives. Those women are paid to look like that and do those things plus those pictures are AIRBRUSHED! If you were paying your wife $50,000 a day, She will roll out of bed looking like Giselle Bundchen from the start to the finish of the day. Cos she can afford to hire personal trainers and nannies to give her time to pretty herself up for you. Some of you are just dummmies. Na wa for you!

                                                    

4. Marriationship itself
This is treating your marriage as if you are still dating or having "something". This is a two pronged sword. On the one hand, this is great! The ability to still treat your spouse like she's your girlfriend or he's your boyfriend is fabulous. You still have the innocence and everything is new, you dote on yourselves as you did when you were dating. You still want to impress each other with how you look. You still want to go to Fredricks and get a fabulous balconette bra with a thong and suspenders and meet your husband at the door looking all kinds of scrumptious. You want to spend the bulk of your money just giving her a fabulous treat; an amazing pair of shoes or a stunning set of earrings. Just amazing. It keeps the relationship fresh and exciting.
The flip side is when you treat your marriage like you're still dating so you're allowed to keep doing all the shady and nonsense stuff you used to. You still want to run the streets, run to the clubs, spend nights out, chat up girls, get chatted up by men, keep secrets etc. Newsflash: these things were not ok when you were dating so they sure as hell are not ok now.The worse is when you break up over issues. But guess what? It is not called a break up when you are married, it is called a divorce. It comes with all sorts of legal ramifications: division of assets, child custody issues(where there are kids), relocation etc. More importantly, you earn yourself a new title: divorcee. No one has heard of a breakupee because there's no such label. You're that person that has had a failed marriage. No parent wants their kids to be involved with a divorcee; obviously, this is before they hear the circumstances surrounding the divorce. But the initial reaction is: HELL NO! So be certain you're with the one you love, want to be with, want to grow old with and have babies and grandbabies with. Otherwise, you know where it will end up? Yup. Divorce courts.

Final thots:
It baffles the mind when people that vowed to commit to each other all the days of their lives, let things come between them. Marriage was not designed to be easy. It is your attitude to marriage that makes it easy. A lot of things become easier to bear when you are sharing the burden. If you have been so blessed to find someone willing to share his/her life with you, hold on to that person forever. Your crusty ass ain't all cute and easy to live with! I think this is the bulk of the problem. People believe too much in their own PR, they think they are THE shit, everything is right with them, it is others who are wrong. Well.....No! You know what is worse than being married? Being unmarried. You have to go to the same places you went to as a married person and start running the places you went to as a single person. All I'm saying is, it is depressing.

Religiosity

Religiosity is the art of being excessively, obtrusively or sentimentally religious (www.merriam-Webster.com/dictionary)I decided to do this post because I was reading some posts on Linda Ikeji's blog and I came across this post titled:"Bishop Oyedepo acquires 4.5 billion Naira jet, builds private hanger in MMIA." this was an article she had culled from Encomium magazine and her only addition was "4 private jets, I have no words, moving on to the next blog" When I read the post, to be honest, I had mixed reactions to it. Obviously, this type of post will elicit a myriad of reactions, some will like it and some won't. So I went on to read the comments on the post and my oh my, they are a must read. I can't reproduce them but most of them were a vicious attack on the blogger herself. Some people attributed her single status to the fact that she 'insults' men of God, some invited those that defended her to go and drink acid, some hinted that the blogger won't live long if she continues in this manner and so on. Others accused the blogger and those who felt the purchase was extravagant, of envy. Saying it is not their money and going on to pray for their own riches that will be adequate to purchase their own private jet. Wow!

I am a Christian. I love God and I honor those that do his work here on earth. Now, I don't really care how much was spent on a jet and this blog is not about that either. What this blog is about is the depth and understanding of Christianity in this country. I am a liberal mind and a Lawyer and as such I encourage and enjoy discourse and for me, no subject is taboo. I have my views. I do not expect everybody to agree with my views but I will give cogent reasons why my views should at least be taken on board. Blind followership at whatever cost and for whatever reason, is not my thing. When I read that post and read how it was perceived, I shook my head at the state of Christianity in this country.

The post got me thinking; who are we REALLY serving? Is it God or is it the men of God? I only ask this question because I feel a lot of people have gotten it twisted. We make our suplications to God through Jesus Christ our intercessor. Period. This is all I know, this is all I need to know. People have replaced Jesus with Pastor Lagbaja and Reverend Tamedu! 'Jesus' is just said in their prayers as a mere formality. It is no longer what the bible says but "my pastor said" Pastors have been placed on such a high pedestal that people often forget that they are men that God has anointed. Men! As men, a fall is always possible. The bible tells us to look to God who is the author and finisher of our faith. But people don't hold or take to this. They look to their pastors and if things go wrong ie when the pastor's flesh subdues his spirit man and he falls, they get disenfranchised, stop believing in God and start bad mouthing God and the church, forgetting that they are the architects of their own disappointment because they refused to acknowledge the tenets of the bible which is clearly written in black and white. Saul was a man anointed by God to be a leader and when his own self aggrandizement pulled him away from God, the spirit of God left him. Anyone can be used by God if we allow ourselves be used. Me, you, our pastors, we are all tools in the hands of the Lord and if we do not serve our purpose, we will be replaced.

When I hear some people speak, I become terribly afraid. I'm not trying to judge anybody but I just wonder what bible they've been reading that has made them this obtuse. You cannot question men of God? Where is that written in the bible? Jesus was a revolutionary and he questioned the establishment that had existed years and years before he was made man. Before he came, the Pharisees were the big cheeses of his day but he challenged their beliefs and teachings and that, my friends, is why we are even practicing Christianity today. But we are so obsessed with substituting God's representatives here on earth with God that we do not even question anything they do that appears odd. Instead, we come up excuses, denials, abuse and threats if anything untoward about them is revealed. Take case in point, Pastor Odulele, a London pastor who pleaded guilty to sexually molesting two teenage boys and was sentenced to 14 months imprisonment by the Woolwich Crown Court(http://www.compassnewspaper.com/index.php?Itemid=600&catid=308:headlines&id=1681:-outrage-over-nigerian-gay-pastor-in-uk&option=com_content&view=article)I read a comment about this that was alluding to the fact that he committed the crime years back so he should not be punished. Two things, one, there were members of his church who came out to say they were molested by him and some have refused to speak out (hmmm.....I wonder why) and two, sexual offenses are offenses that the statute of limitations applies to. What this means is that they become time barred after a while. As such, if the offense is not brought before a court of competent jurisdiction within a stipulated number of years, it becomes time barred and it cannot be prosecuted again. This leads me to believe that this matter was not as old as that commentator would have us believe. I was disgusted by that comment because the commentator's sympathy was not for the victims but for the pastor and ONLY because he was a pastor. If it had been any Ade,Bala and Uche that was accused of sexually molesting kids, I'm sure that would not be her view. From her comment, it was obvious that she was horrified that they were not cutting him any kind of slack and disregarding his pastoral office by jailing him. Well, tough cookie! Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
I also heard of a pastor in London who beat up a girl in the church office because she accused him of sexually molesting her. My friend's cousin was the lawyer handling the matter. She had reported the pastor to a senior pastor who called her in for a meeting with himself, the accused pastor and some deacons in the church and the accused pastor got upset and beat her up in the presence of everybody. In a room filled with christians would you believe that none of them agreed to testify to what had happened in court? Just to shield their own and to avoid reproach, they closed ranks and refused to speak against evil. This is the modern day version of buying and selling in the temple of the Almighty God. People doing evil and people just condoning evil in order to keep up appearances.
These are just examples of men of God that have behaved like men because they are men. May the Lord have mercy on us all and help us to walk according to His wishes. Amen.

The second point this post is addressing is the militancy of Nigerian Christianity. When I read Linda's blog, I was appalled at the level of venom that people who called themselves Christians were spewing forth. Asking someone to go and drink acid is very Christian.....NOT! You call yourselves christians and there's really no evidence of that in how you behave. The person they were criticizing behaved in a more Christ-like manner than them. She only responded to one comment and there were about 109 comments on that post. What occurred to me when I was reading that post was that Christianity in Nigeria is not as it should be. It is practiced almost like belonging to some kind of juju cult with a military 'don't ask, don't tell' twist to the whole thing.
Christianity is a get rich quick scheme to most people, ie let me serve God and he will open up the stores of heaven and bless me or and he will provide all my needs according to his riches in glory (they have bible verses to prove every point) Christianity is a protection talisman to some people. As nollywood movies show us, when "they" are chasing you from your village, run to the church because the name of the Lord is a strong tower and the righteous run to it and they are saved! Hallelujah! Above all, we all want to make heaven and this is the only reason why most of us are Christians.
When you have all these motives for being a Christian, I'm sorry to say, you will never be the Christian you need to be and God needs you to be. If you are doing something for all the wrong reasons, even if you are trying to achieve a greater good, you will get frustrated with whatever it is you are doing. This is why we see some people that claim they are Christians and are frankly, terrible people in life. These are the people that gossip, that are hypocrites, that are stingy, that will put you down, that will cut you off in traffic and refuse to give up the road for you to come through and they will have ironic stickers like "givers never lack" on their cars. Puhlease!
Christianity is about developing a relationship with God. A re-la-ti-on-sh-ip people. It is like when you meet a man, you get to know them and they may propose to you after a while. You don't meet a man and insist on being proposed to the first day you meet. That is exactly what a relationship with God is like; knowing and understanding his love for you and EVERY OTHER THING will be added unto you. God is not Santa claus and he really doesn't owe us anything because he has given us the ultimate gift, his son. So watch it when you pester or blame God, instead ask yourself where you are in your relationship with him.

These Christians with attitude problems give the rest of us a bad name. In the name of defending Bishop Oyedepo, they started to exhibit some "stewpid" behaviors; cursing,insulting, casting aspersions on People's characters etc. Forgetting that even Jesus,when he was being crucified prayed for forgiveness for those that killed him. He didn't tell them to go fuck themselves or go and drink acid. Not one of them behaved in a Christlike or rational manner. I'm sure the Bishop will be appalled by your behaviors. Shame on you.

Final thots: There is a reason men of God are called men of God and that is because they are NOT God. Religiosity is taking over serving God. The two things are completely different and one has no place in our lives. Nigerian Christianity is shrouded in so much hypocrisy, it is sickening. Worship God in spirit and in truth instead of standing on ceremony and observing all these unnecessary and irrelevant protocols that mainly exists to soothe men's egos instead of to glorify God. That is not to say disrespect those in authority. Honor and respect them but KNOW that they are not God. I would like to add that as christians, it is expedient to act like Christians and so we should curb behaviors that are unbecoming for Christians. This is as much for me as it is for everyone. I have heard people say of some so called Christians "well if he's a Christian, I don't want anything to do with Christianity" we are meant to bring people to God and not repel them from God. Gosh! I would love to hear "constructive" comments on this post but unlike Linda Ikeji and very much like Jenifa, mo mo esi oro o (lol),ie. don't act the fool on my blog with any close-minded cursing, tantrums or carrying on.