Accent v No Accent

Last month, I was out with a few friends and we got talking about dating men with accents. We are not talking about your European/Latina accents here, but our own abinibi ie indigenous accents. My take on the issue was that I didn't think I could date a guy that spoke heavily accented English. The girls said they didn't think it was a big deal. That got me thinking. I had to seriously consider if I was ruling out good men for flimsy reasons. Is the way a person speaks really a serious impediment to dating them?

Let's set the scenario:
You are meant to be meeting up with your QC girls for a long awaited reunion(for the record, I didn't go to QC but we all know say QC girls pose die! And I can see this being more plausible as an issue that a QC girl will find tres shocking and distressing. Having said that, I love my QC friends dearly. Shout out to y'all)so you haven't seen your girls since graduation and you're stranded and can't get to the place. Your new boyfriend Danladi/Emeka/Bayo offers to drop you off at the reunion venue. You get there and your girls rush out to greet you. Amid the hugs, Danladi/Emeka/Bayo clears his throat in a manner that indicates he wants to be introduced.

You: Oh, this is Danladi
Danladi: hi. It is a fleasure to meeth you. She has been talking about you por a long time.
OR
You: oh this is Emeka
Emeka: pleaYure. How ya school? How ya work?
OR
You: oh this is Bayo
Emeka: pele. Ow hare you? Ow his heverytin.

Would you mind?

Is a Nigerian accent a deal breaker? Let's say Danladi, Emeka or Bayo was the sweetest guy you ever met. Will just that one thing stand against him?

The girls I was hanging out with N and U, were of the opinion that we, as a people,are not proud of ourselves and that's why we feel ashamed. And that girls like me who say they can't date an 'accented' guy, are just forming. After all, English is not our first language. And that if it was a guy with a French accent, we would be all over him like a rash, complimenting him on his sexy accent. Whichever side of the fence you're on, you have to admit that "ca va Cherie, I jest vant to run my 'and through your 'air, n'est pas?" is VERY sexy. I'm just saying.

Source: http://www.watch-nigerian-movies.com/download-nigerian-movies/jenifa-nollywood-movie-download-3081

Now, I'm nothing, if not honest with myself. And having pondered on what was said, I decided that I agreed with the girls BUT to an extent. I think vanity plays a huge part in our not wanting to be associated with indigenous intonations. Everyone wants to be seen as being well spoken. This aids greatly in how we are perceived. An example of society's perception can be seen in the Jenifa movie which showcased a girl that was sure of herself but was put down by people because of her 'bush' intonation and mannerisms. Perception matters to us Nigerians greatly. On the spoken word front, the desire to be seen as a 'posh' person is so bad that we see examples of people who go the UK for summer for 2 weeks and resume life in Naija with 'forne' toh badt! Or people whose relatives travel and they are the ones speaking the forne on their behalf. We are a strange people sha; ignoring local dialects to speak through our noses all in the bid to attain one kind fake status. Then in the end, forward, you can't go, backwards, you can't come: you can't blast your native language and serious forne sef, God no gree you. Moving on swiftly sha.....

We want to be seen as very well spoken and intelligent to garner some form of respect. We see people with indigenous accents as bush and unintelligent people. Which they really are not ( My father's favorite lecturer in Unilag had a strong Yoruba accent and finished with a first class from Imperial College.) and we want to distance ourselves from that.
The situation is slightly better now with the likes of 9ice and D'banj setting trends by being themselves and not being dubbed 'razz' by the self appointed Razzness Compasses. In my secondary school days and even till now, the biggest crimes you could ever commit were being razz and shelling. People that had accents were referred to as Yoruba Ninjas in my school. And that was a terrible thing. You were shunned like a leper if you were accused of either razzness or shelling. Seeing as we spend 6 of our formative years in that environment, that line of reasoning has become ingrained in us. We don't like Razzness and worse still, razz people.
This goes even beyond Nigerian accents. I know someone who refers to East Africans as "Those Africans" cos she can't stand their accents. WTF???
Language is essentially a tool for communication. If it has served this purpose and intent has been conveyed, should it matter that 'the' was pronounced 'de' or 'taxi' was pronounced 'tayzi' or that 'pant' was pronounced "paiynt"? I shouldn't think so.

Source: Google

However, here is where I disagree with the school of thought that a person's accent shouldn't matter. Like I said earlier, the way a person speaks contributes to the overall way in which they are perceived and received by others. Before I get to know what a person is like inside, their representative is the outside person. I have to be attracted to you first before i even get to know you. If I'm repelled by that outside packaging; that first impression, I don't know if it will be at all possible to muster the desire to see beyond that. I don't think I would ever be attracted to this: "bebe, infact, ya love is killing me. Give me ya digits. My container is arriving from overseas" I've met people that speak like that and as shallow as this sounds, I feel insulted when they talk to me. So the first hurdle remains uncrossed ie, I don't even like the sound of you so how do we communicate? I've seen instances where girls have been checking good looking guys out and talking about how good they look and how well turned out they are and making gooey eyes at the subject but when approached by the object of their desire and a hint of an accent is detected, you can literally hear the attraction running out of the room in high heels. I heard some girls talking about another girl's boyfriend with such menace and anger. Is he disfigured or deformed in some way or violent? Sez I. One of the girls looked at me and said in disgust "he can shell!!! With his Yoruba accent. She's trying o. It couldn't even be me. We will just not be going anywhere. He can't disgrace me". I was stunned. I mean, mine is an undercurrent, this is outright hate! Wow.

Source: Google

Final thots: I applaud girls who are classified as "cream" or "butty" who see a man for who he really is and don't care about any external factors, just so long as the man is good to them and they love him, which let's face it, are the most important things. I aspire to that level of human decency some day. My question is, are we ascribing importance to things that are not even remotely important in the grand scheme of things? Bad as e bad, elocution lessons can be purchased at the worse. If Baba Suwe can learn and speak English, then it is totally do-able. However, the problem here is not even the inability to speak the language,the problem is that the pronunciations don't come out right. Are women like me, who snob certain men because of this fact, missing out? I say, perhaps we are. Maybe we should open ourselves up to possibilities instead of shutting out an entire class of men. We women are often times the architects of our own misery. We may end up being pleasantly surprised if we branch out of our comfort zones or if not pleasantly surprised, the sojourn into the unknown might be....well....interesting. I'm going to give it a go and I have a candidate in mind ;)

P.S I would LOVE to hear your take on this topic: is it as much of an issue for you as it is for me? I know I'm not the only one out there. Have a lovely "rest of the " week.

Mutton dressed as lamb (Cherrywine's Fashion Police Special)

image courtesy www.questionmarkmag.com

Que parsa fam? It has been a long minute since we spoke. There's a reason for that: I have been in shock since I beheld this phenom. Ladies and gentlemen, the phenom of whom I speak is none other than the grand dame of Nollywood herself, Aunty OMOTOLA. What caused this shock,Cherry? I imagine you asking, to effectively answer this question, I have to give you a bit of history.
A few years back, if I was going to a club with my friends or something of that nature, the only dress code I rocked was "Skank Coture" ie the shorter the hotter, the more boobage the better. It was go Ho or go Home. I rocked my look and enjoyed doing so.No apologies, whatsoever. BUT, I outgrew that look and started to become more self conscious and trying to dress my age; mind you that doesn't imply that I started wearing tweed skirt suits with a string of pearls for a light brunch with the girls; just more mature and age appropriate.I had this misguided belief that we all went through this transformation; you know, ditching the cropped tops and combat bottoms with your hair held up in pig tails (minnie mouse style) for a Sexy jumpsuit with your Peruvian in place. But boy was I proven wrong during the Grammys.

I was sitting at home minding my own business when a picture was sent to me. A picture that had me frozen for a few minutes like I had been treated to front row seats at a Medusa viewing. A picture that hurt my self,female and national pride. A picture that had me going no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no.
Aunty OMOTOLA, in the infamous words of Chi-gurl; Kilorde???? What were you thinking? I beseech you. Where do I start from in picking apart her ridiculous ensemble? I wish I had that Ginger guy with the chopsticks from the DSTV ad, to help me. But I hear he's unavailable due to the accident his anus suffered when madam jammed the chopsticks up there as a result of his audacity. But....I digress.

Aunty O, you reallly should have known better. Kudos to you, you look stunning after 4 kids. We all thank God that black don't crack. HOWEVER, warapoun? This is inexcusable.
A bit of background info for those not in the know. Aunty has an American management company (which will hereinafter be referred to as AMC) so she got invited to tag along to the Grammys. I don't know how the conversation went down, but I'm willing to take a shot at it. (excuse my fake American accent)
AMC: hey Motola. What's going on with you?
O: nothing much o. Just chilling.
AMC: what you got going on tomorrow?
O: not much. I'm going to check out these shoes I saw in Payless.
AMC: so you're not busy. Good. Heard of the Grammys?
O: of course. It is the biggest night in Music the world over.
AMC: well....I have a surprise for you. How would you like to go to the Grammys with one of our slimy guys?
O: lil' ol' me? I would be delighted! I will just run to Rave now to pick out a little number.

No diss to Rave. They have delightful clothes.....for under 25s! Once you hit 25, it is assumed that your tastes would have matured over time. I have no concrete prove that she shopped for her dress at Rave, but the dress did not look like something you would find in JCPenny let alone a high fashion shop.

Who even sent her message of Oyinbo cloth? What I said when I regained consiousness and the use of my mouth and what seems to be the general consensus was, why didn't her ass just wear freaking Ankara? That is the problem with us Nigerians. Neo-colonialism has finished us! If it is white, it must be better. Well in this case, it backfired seriously. My question(and I know I speak the mind of many) was this: why didn't she see the need to call on the wealth of Fashion power we have in Nigeria. Deola Sagoe, Lanre Dasilva-Ajayi, Jewel by Lisa, Ituen Basi etc. These are just some of the front runners in fashion we have in Nigeria alone not to talk of the African continent as a whole where there are thousands. I am so sure any of these greats would have sent her a dress, no questions asked, if they knew she would be showcasing it at the Grammys.
Even the stars that live in America, treat this as a seriously huge deal. They get clothes off the runway, from Coture houses. She thinks she can just show up in any old dress? Who does that????
After she even now wore the dress, she couldn't make the effort to ensure it was age appropriate, body appropriate and red carpet appropriate. I found myself saying what I'm sure a number of Nigerian were saying "why wasn't it Genevieve that got this golden opportunity?" say what you like about her, but Miss Nnaji CAN dress! I read somewhere that Omotola one-upped Genny by going to the Grammys. Is that how to one-up somebody? I ask you. Mscheeeeeewwww!

The number of things that were wrong with that dress........ First of all, her bingo wings! Arm fat is the reality of many a woman's existence especially African women. No diss to the arm fat, BUT, protect the arm fat's privacy! It doesn't need everybody all up in its business!!!! Get the arm fat some sleeves, dammit! Or tone your arms up with exercises that specifically target that area so it doesn't look so droopy and depressed! I'm sure her arm fat wanted to kill itself! It just couldn't believe her!
Also do I spy her black bra with my little eyes???? Tut.....Tut!


Secondly, Aunty Omotola, why were you falling our hand with your belle? Comeon, suck belle jare! As a woman with a belly myself, the trick to taming a belly was one of the things I learnt quickly when I realized my belly was not baby fat. In the days of old, it was the Girdle that helped you handle such things. Now, the girdle is almost obsolete. You have Body Magic in different variations; the ones that give you breast to bum body sculpting or the ones that target specific problem areas. Also, a clever lady invented SPANKS....which i am told Beyonce is a fan of. If Beyonce feels she has problem areas, Aunty O, don't dull yourself....you def need am, seriously. Aunty O could have done with an all over body sculpting. The dress and the underwear were just at war with each other with the underwear ending up the loser because it was just bunched up helplessly under the dress and not even trying to help Aunty O at all. So her belle was just hanging there with the underwear bunched up.

Thirdly, badunkadunk alert! In every African household, we have at least 10 Beyonces and JLos. It is not a biggie, we got the bootay! Being red carpet ready does not imply that you make yourself into some stick insect, but to make your assets work for you by creating the perfect silhouette. The booty did not look cute in any way under that garish spring dance dress.
The dress just did not sit well on any part of her body(see illustrations above)

Lastly was the slime bucket hanging off her with his palm downturned on her booty. Ah ah! Decency dictates that a mother of 4 should comport herself with dignity and have the ability to dish out slaps to those that disrespect the booty. Or is the booty so big that the sensitive nerve endings that react to touch didn't grow that far out so she didn't feel the groping? I doubt it. To recap, she stood there, grinning like a loon, in a tacky dress that did nothing for her, with an idiot's hand, hanging off her backside. Not a good look at all.

Final thots: Omotola became a topic for discussion because she's well known and she could have done better to ably represent herself and her country. Being the second known Nigerian to be associated with the Grammys in recent times (Femi Kuti being the first)she got a lot of flack for the way she looked. However, we see them roaming about these days. These so called yummy mummies. As a young woman who hasn't had kids yet, I applaud the efforts of women that have had kids and are in top condition eg Betty Irabor, Genevieve Nnaji, Deola Sagoe, Hajiya Shagaya, Remi Tinubu, my friend J.A, my friend's sister,Tokunbo etc. But apart from being in top shape, what they have in common is that they dress appropriately. They look sexy,confident, mature and beautiful without the 'tack'. I don't understand why women that are old enough to know better, want the whole world to catch a glimpse of their coochies. Please keep that to yourself, thank you very much! In the bid to be as western as humanly possible, some women don't even know what to do with themselves. I'm not a prude and i have nothing against people looking good and dressing in what they feel comfortable in. But when you're fiddling with your boobtube dress that is two sizes too small for your ginormous bossoms, that is not comfortable and neither is it a good look. Here's a rule of thumb: if it looks like baby clothes; IT PROBABLY IS! Don't try squeezing your ass into it all in the name of being young and "down with it" This has been a Cherry public service announcement.

Abara toh behd!!!

This is dedicated to my mother. Maami! Action lady fun ra e! Momsie toh behd. I luff you plenty plenty. You too mush jor! Another mama is a counterfeit!!! I also dedicate this to Dame Patience (Patience pronounced Pachyence or Patient) just cos I'm loving her swag right now. Unblerra today! Unblerra tomorrow!! Unblerra forever!!!

I am 100% naija. Omo eko gan gan via Abeokuta! So this post is a homage to my roots and I will be speaking in what some of you may term 'a razz way' but na you get ishoro. If e no gree you, abeg fly commot my blog one, two.

image courtesy http://s1.hubimg.com/

So, omo yoruba ni mi o!!! Swagger!!!! ( I don dey digress. No vex. 'Bet' omo k'omo ni Kas! Omo ake!!!) I was on my lunch break yesterday and I saw one child acting the fool and his mother was speaking softly to him "Tobi, behave!....Tobi....TOBI" and I'm sitting up expecting small action particularly when the child stuck out his tongue. I was so excited, I almost pissed myself! I said to myself "ehen, this is the very moment!!!" But the mother just rolled her eyes and freed the boy to run amok in Ceddi Plaza. Pa-ga!!!! I said to myself again 'Lakuli!!!!! Mo* ri nkan' (for my non yoruba readers, Lakuli is the highest form of shock for me, Mo* ri nkan na my eyes don see ) this aunty don too watch Super Nanny o!

At that moment I remembered my mother! Maami fun ra e! Sweet moda! Behave bi ti bawo? ( as how?) Do you even need public service announcement to behave? Na who pound yam for you tell you say to get soup no hard? (Yoruba proverb) Nobody will tell you to behave. Na two options you get: behave yaself OR face heaven go dey gist baba God wetin bring you come. Simple. My mama no dey for too mush talk, talk. In fact, she no dey for any talk talk sef. Wetin be the neighbor of Pachelli school for the Blind? The deaf and dumb one? Ehen! That school. E be like say na dem train my momsie. Na sign language my mama dey take talk. Whish one be sign sef? Na EYE language. By the time she give you eye, you sef go don soji yourself. One eye mean say sit down, na another one she go take tell you: shut up, na another one she go take tell you: no eat that food. Any eye you no recognize, no even ask question, just maintain yourself. No do ANYTHING! No chop, no sit, no stand, no talk, no breathe sef if you fit manage am.

image courtesy www.madamenoire.com

Na because of my mama I believe in the existence of Ninja. Momsie na ninja! Her weapon of choice, you ask? Well it is known as the 'ABARA' (CherryDictionary Abara: (pronu: A-ba-ra~ verb~ a hot, stinging slap delivered by the palm of the hand to any area of your backside)
Don't test my mother and the accuracy of her abara. To my mother the abara is personal. Yes, she can cane you, but why? You won't know how deep her anger is. Caning is like shooting someone, everyone can shoot a gun if need be and run away. Abara is like stabbing someone. You need heart to stab someone. You must get up, close and personal; look the person in the eye and deliver it and it requires some sort of skill.
Well my mother is a skilled abara marksman! Iya! I hail o! In fact...you too mush..again. If my mother handle your back with abara, your life will not be the same again. The kain abara wey be say your first reaction na to hold your back and form one kain shape wey be like say you dey dance makosa! The stealth sef is legendary, before you realize say she dey come, she done give you like 5 abara pa,pa,pa! Sharply! You know those abaras now, you're feeling the first one when the third one is landing. The cry sef go confuse for inside your body. She don do the thing wey she wan do finish like 5 minutes before your brain go begin dey command the water wey dey your body : "my guy, you no go come out? Work don dey o" you go come dey shout like otutupoyo baby wey dem just born, smack im yansh! Jesus! My mama try well, well. Me wey I be first pikin, na me suffer pass. E remain small, I go don join wishcraft people because my mama don turn me into mind reader. One thing wey my mama hate na make you begin sentence with 'I did not' or 'I don't know' Before you finish that sentence, she go just land give me one or two slaps quick,quick.
One crime wey be say my mama fit take finish your life na the crime of 'sluggish' Mama Cherry no dey take too kindly to person wey sluggish o! Sluggish be say you no add 6 hands join the 2 wey God give you come from heaven. My mama go stand on top stairs, begin dey shout command like Army General: do this one, do that one, wash this one, cook that one, sweep this one, mop that one, do everything before 2. The time go be around 1.30. If you know say no be my mama born you, feel free to no do the things. Infact, to say you go regret am, na play. The one wey pass regret no go even do you. The fear of Abara, is the beginning of wisdom.
The one wey dey even pain me na when my mama go dey give you proverb to punctuate the abara; her favorite one is : aya omode ni were di si, egba de ni ogun e. Translation: na the chest of small pikin craze gather pass, and na cane be im only remedy. When she don talk that one, I know say she don ready for me that day. Me sef, I go quickly accept my fate.

As my mama dey so, she no dey negotiate with terrorists: terrorists na you, the pikin. If she tell you enter house by 7; no african time dey there o. No go come. No "abeg na". 7 na 7. No be the 7 wey even dey your wristwatch, na the one wey dey the wall clock for the sitting room. Before you leave house, e go pay you make you synchronize your watch with the clock. If 7.01 knack meet you for inside compound, please believe that nothing can help you. You must chop at least 2 Abara as you dey enter house.
Even now, I dey see some children wey be say they go talk say they no chop the food wey them mama give them, she sef go come dey beg them "eat now, don't you want to grow big and strong like daddy?" Na you sabi whether you wan grow abi you wan shrink. How dat one take concyn my mama? You talk say you no chop; sharply she don pack the food commot your front before you fit say 'I go chop'. The one wey come bad pass na when the next day, she go just do magic, the food go just appear in front of you. Maybe every body dey chop rice, na yesterday eba with im soup you go dey chop, dey cry join. And if you give am one kain eye she go tell you "if I'm too wicked, go out and look for another mother and see the difference. Omo ti o to ile oko meji wo, o le mo iyato(translation: if u never try two husband house, how you go know the difference.)" And as she dey so, na the number of pikin wey she fit handle she born. She go handle 3 of us comfortably, without sweat. By the time she take my sister hook my neck, come turn my brother to cane to flog all of us, we go dey alright.

Infact, I dey suspect say my momsie dey use one kain juju. You know why? If she wan beat you, you don know say she wan beat you, una dey one accord, she go just talk one thing "don't let me chase you o, just stand where you are" e fit take am 2 years to reach where I dey, walahi, I no go move. Maybe no be jazz, na because I know say if she corner me after I don run finish na dat day I go meet Bros J. E better make I just respect myself, chop the Abara and go cry for room.

And my mama na comedian. Basket mouth no sabi near momsie. After she don use Abara take tattoo your back, wey be say na the last breath wey dey your mouth you dey take cry, she go just crack joke say "why are you crying? Did I beat you? Common, shut up there before I give you something to really cry about!" Shuoooo! You never beat me? The next stage after this na to kill me now. But as somebody who knows that, that was not a threat, that she's capable of even more, sharp,sharp I don shut up,begin dey make that noise like pig when you no fit cry out. Una know the noise na! No form butty for here.

Final thots: now that I'm older, my mum and I have become friends (and she has become softer to the benefit of my little brother) and it's been years since my last abara but I still remember how it felt. Even now that I'm older, there's no one I respect more than my parents. It is that ingrained thing from all those years of training and nurturing. And I'm still not old enough to attempt rudeness or something to my parents face. I may mumble but I must not be within their hearing range. My mum likes to joke that you're not too old for her to beat. 90% of me knows its a joke but 10% of me feels she can attempt one last hurrah! I've seen her 'buga' my brother a few times.
My mother was trying her best to make sure her kids tow the line. The bible says : spare the rod, spoil the child. The rod was never spared on me or my siblings. And I am her first child, so I was the guinea pig. Now that I'm older, I can differentiate between strict and wicked. She was strict and loving. Iya ni iya mi. And the way she raised me is my blueprint to raising my kids. Some of you may be too advanced for hitting kids but I totally subscribe to the idea. Not in an abusive way. It didn't make me fear my mum cos she hit us, it just made me respect boundaries and not trivialize anything I was asked to do. It didn't kill me either. Time outs and naughty corners may work too but a smack is more time tested. I'm not shitting on the way you may want to raise your kids but I like the old fashioned way and I will perfect my abara so that it will be just as deadly as my mother's. Future Cherrylings, oro le gbo yen.

BlackBerry: Resident Evil

I heard or was directly told, as it were, that "some of you" (you know yourselves, btw) were not happy about my brief foray into Politics. I would have said "go and suck on a big, fat, lemon, you ignorant cows" but I love you guys too much plus I missed blogging since I was forced to limit myself to one post per weeks thanks to the ever so judgmental O.M.A*rolling my eyes at you*

image courtesy www.freethinkinglebanon.com

                                      
About 3 years ago, I had an amazing little piece of equipment known as the HTC phone; well a Ted Baker limited edition, HTC phone. It was purple, it had a lovely little game known as the bubble breaker and it obviously dialed numbers and received calls. So to recap, it was stylish, pretty, provided me with hours of entertainment and it performed its primary functions as a phone: it dialed and received calls. This phone was stolen by the powers that be on the 19th of December 2008 at Jade's palace, Lagos which is why I avoid the place like a plague and celebrate the anniversary of 'Teddy's' loss....but I digress.
That weekend, I bought a less functional phone, a Nokia . Didn't provide me with a lot of entertainment but was a pretty red colour and it also dialed and received calls. I was perfectly happy....
Stage left; entrance of the Villian *appaling theatre horror music*
The BlackBerry!!!

What a vile piece of equipment!!! I traded in my functional and durable Nokia for this crap. BlackBerry is a global epidemic which I hold in the highest contempt. I say this to you whilst typing this post FROM my blackberry. It is that familiar spirit you know you have but can't get rid of inspite of several visits to cele churches and different brooms being used to "pursue" the evil spirit.
How I loathe the BlackBerry! I'm sure as I type this, some yummy mummy is with her little bundle of joy who has asked to play 'game' on mummy's phone when out of nowhere, one of our brothers; a card carrying member of the Chartered Institute of Kidnappers, swoops down and makes off with the baby with mummy screaming her head off going.... "Somebody help me! Help!! Help ooooo!!! That man has STOLEN MY BLACKBERRY!"
I will not dispute that the Blackberry is a clever equipment. It is your office on the go and you have the capabilities to access the internet, literally at your fingertips and it possesses functions that I'm presently not utilizing. But it has changed the paradigm of conversation as we know it. In fact the art of conversation has been irreversibly and irreparably destroyed. Instead of proper english we now have text speak, instead of phone sex, we now have sexting! Wtf???!!! Instead of going out to actually meet people, we have groups on blackberry for EVERYTHING; God,sex,food,brazillian hair etc.
It has become such a prized possession. However raggedy your BB is, it is one of the most important things you own. Have you ever seen anybody doing the BlackBerry dance? What's the BlackBerry dance, you ask? It is when you think you've lost your BlackBerry and you begin to pat yourself down and give yourself a cavity search. I've seen a girl empty an entire handbag the size of a weekend carry-all just to find her phone. The minute your service provider has a little technical difficulty, you don't hold back at all with the 'konk' curses. You become so bereft when anything happens to it, people have to come and visit you with tissues and chocolate to console you. People don't even feel the need to really go out at weekends cos all their friends are on their blackberry. These sort of people are often led out, blinking into the sunlight, disoriented, clutching their BlackBerries on monday mornings. When you finally manage to arrange that elusive hangout with friends, a bunch of you sit, huddled at a table furiously clicking away at your BlackBerry. A very funny spin was put on this by a guy I was hanging out with one weekend, he said it is as though the people on the BlackBerry are more important than the actual people you can see.
These reasons are not even the crux of my issue with the BlackBerry. BlackBerry sucks mainly because of how it has altered the dynamics of the traditional "relationship." It is an unapologetic tool of Satan! BlackBerry has made us overly accessible to each other. Do we really need to have this much access to one another, I ask you? BlackBerry has annihilated Facebook. You don't need a computer for this mission, all you need is a bog standard phone with super powers. With a BlackBerry, all it costs you is a cursory glance at your phone to know what your loved one/ friend is thinking. You can update your status and pictures as many times as you like. So people have an 'in' to your mind and your looks as often as you want them to. As a result of this, a lot of relationships have come to an end. My friend D.A said to me that her next boyfriend will not have a BB. That's wishful thinking on her part as even my 12 year old cousin has a BB, but I totally get where she's coming from. I miss the good old days of waiting by the landline for my love interest to call. If he doesn't, you assume a number of things which are; maybe his mum won't let him use the phone, maybe they've 'locked' his phone (remember that??? Ahhhhhh) maybe Nitel is acting up, maybe you didn't put the phone back properly on its hook etc. Now, the minute you know he has paid his 3k or 2,800, it is on! He literally has NO excuse to not check up on you 1,000 times a day.

Now you can keep scores "the last time he pinged me was 2 days ago, what is he doing with his 3k? I know what he's NOT doing tho....HE'S NOT PINGING ME!" You drive yourself mad with all sorts of scenarios running through your head. And guys don't even make it better. I don't blame you tho, those freaking DPs are bloody invitations to treat! What you dummies don't realize is that no girl, I repeat NO GIRL, is going to put up an ugly picture of herself on her BB. How do you want her market to sell? So you're fooled by the picture and you ignore your girlfriend for days just to be with yellow pawpaw! Na wa for you sha, e dey your body!
That one aside, I hate how you go out, meet someone new, hit it off right, talk for hours and hours and at the end of the night, the idiot goes, "give me your pin" this one is still a fresh slight cos it happened to me 4 nights ago. "Give me your pin"???? I mean....comeon! That's the new phrase for I'm a cheap sucker, after this 3k, I'm not buying any credit again. It has made people in general snobbish; if you don't have a BB we can't hang out o and it has made men in particular lazy and cheap as hell! It drives me mad! A few days ago, a guy was sending me texts, I was so amazed by this, I almost proposed to him. We now reserve texts and calls for 'big fuck ups'.... when a ping would just not do. Even at that, some people still don't have any sense of occasion. After fucking up like a bastard, then you ping me to apologize....well apology not accepted! It just doesn't make the act of meeting someone new, special and I, for one, don't come off articulate on the BB. It is too much work for me and the repetitive strain injury to my thumb is so not worth it!
Even the art of stalking has been altered by BB. Stalkers sef are lazier than ever before. BB has made stalkers lazy BUT more in touch with you than they've ever been! The once athletic stalker that used to hide in your bushes just to spring out by executing the most perfect somersault that will make Chinese and Russian Olympians green with envy and will net perfect 10s from Judges, now sits at home, with his belly and man boobs pouring out of what used to be a t-shirt that is now a half top, sucking on a chicken bone, whilst repeatedly pushing PING on his BB just to get your attention!! I mean, WTFF???? What is a PING anyways??? It is the most annoying invention of man till date and I'm talking of a world that contains the Crazy Frog (remember that bastard?)
Then the worst is the dutch courage BB gives certain people. You know those ones; the guys that can't really talk to women, the Koothrappalis of the world (a Big Bang Theory reference...watch the show. Hilarious!) Suddenly, cos they're not in front of you, they feel emboldened by the cyber gap between you and spew forth a barrage of shit they term as conversation, and get miffed when you're not following as a result of the fact that you're sane! I'm always like 'fuck off' and then I delete the chat plus I'm very happy to push delete on any contact I find.....stupid! I suffer no fools in life and I will certainly not suffer them on BB.

Final thots: this comes from a loving place. I'm just as addicted as anybody else but the BB is rapidly taking over our lives and our time. I'm at work typing this so I'm cyber-skivving cos I have the right tool. It is most annoying when you're having a conversation and a message comes through and the person is still trying to hold the conversation whilst checking the message. Such people go on my "shoot to kill" list. It is meant to make our lives easier not take over our lives. Also people that must check their BBs every 5 second, go on the list. Worse still, if you have those specialized ringtones for your alerts eg bicycle bells etc (LLA2 I'm talking to you)....get on the fucking list!!! I hate the BB and what it is doing to society and I hope you will join in the rage against the machines!!!

CherryWine for BRF!

image courtesy www.nigerianbestforum.com

Folks, CherryWine is going political this week! I've been wrapped up in the Lagos State Guber race. That's the only portion of this election that remotely interests me. The Governorship debate was held last night and my main man came out smelling of fucking roses!!!! He was floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee. To be honest, it wasn't the fairest of debates, it was akin to Muhammad Ali knocking out a retarded kid; he could see him coming but didn't know to duck in time. Oh well, c'est la vie, suckers! If you can't handle the heat get the fuck outta the kitchen.
I've been accused of being a BRF groupie....well, I am. I was born and bred in Lagos and in all my years, this is the first time I've seen real change sweeping through Lagos, so forgive me for being perhaps a little bit over passionate about something *rolling eyes*
So this is my little contribution to the BRF movement. I have 10 reasons why you should support BRF and I hope these reasons will convince you and not confuse you that BRF is the man for the job. Here goes:

image courtesy www.tundefashola.com

                                          
10 REASONS TO SUPPORT B.R.F.

. He is fit (For a slightly grey top)

. He is articulate

. He is an innovator

. He is a visionary

. He's done it before, he's doing it and he will definitely do it again. He's no Gbenga *i have no integrity* Daniel

. Look at the other talents. They are.....(How do I say this nicely)....MORONS

. He rocks a suit just as well as he rocks gym shorts (I've seen both....HOTTT!)

. His one liners are powerful; see for eg: "the problem is not their age but the age of their ideas" that's the gubernatorial equivalent of 'YO MAMA!'

. He will be voted back anyways, you might as well get with the programme and join the movement

. Did I mention that he's 'well' fit? A veritable hottie? Oh I did??? Ok *blushing*

image courtesy www.jaguda.com

                               
The only thing I have against him is that he supports Man United but I forgive him for even that which is a seriously heinous crime. Come to the light BRF boo!!! Anyways, vote BRF, vote positive consistency! We need more 'rascals' like this in Nigeria. Let our voices be heard loud and proud: WE WILL NO LONGER TOLERATE MEDIOCRE GOVERNANCE. That twerp, Jonathan, should take note. Long Live BRF, Long Live Lagos, Long Live Nigeria.
Eko o ni baje o....o baje ti jor!!!