Mirror....Mirror....on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

I don't think I will be doing any more dedications but this one is important. I dedicate this post to my cousin; the other RLA who claims he needs six weeks intensive therapy to get over my first post (btw, I can't believe my shock value is only worth six weeks of therapy. I am very hurt and disappointed) I admit there are somethings you shouldn't know about your little cousin who called you 'Master' back in the days. But get over it! Here's a tamer post for you and your blood pressure. Lol. Love you!

You're at this party. The music is great and you're sitting somewhere, sipping on something. You're not really looking but through your peripheral vision, you can tell that they are checking you out. Your male adoration quotient is at an all time high and you're basking in it. A few bold men and a couple of drunk ones have walked by and said something to you.You look amazing and you know it. Things couldn't get better....They certainly can get worse. You've just gotten up to dance and as you're sitting down cos you've gone from glistening to outright sweaty, a gorgeous girl walks into the same party. That very instant, this girl you've never met before, whose name you don't know and who you may never see again; becomes enemy number one. You just take an instant dislike to her and you start to pick her apart in your head: 'I know that top is five pounds from primark' or 'girl please, if you can't walk in heels, don't wear them' or 'not everybody can pull off futuristic, Lady No No' etc.
Why are we women like that, I wonder. I've done it to people and it has been done to me. Times without number on both counts.In fact if you're honest with yourselves, you'll admit that at some point in life, you've done it. We feel instantly threatened by each other in any situation where we are pitted against each other. And, most times, it is for absolutely no reason at all. And the way it is handled is by becoming a super bitch to the percieved opposition. And what is funny is that it doesn't even have to be a social setting. The claws are coming out either ways.Practical example; When I was in University, I worked for my school from time to time. I got to work early one morning; I was expecting a new supervisor for my team so I was trying to make a good impression. I was the first to arrive and as I was waiting; in floats this gorgeous Pakistani girl. All almond eyes  and long chestnut hair and long limbed and I just wanted to stab her and claim it was an accident! I have the lady-balls to admit that it was because she was so beautiful that I had a problem with her. Now, I'm under no illusion as to how I look. You wouldn't kick me out of bed. I'm no Miss World but I'm no two bagger either ( Two bagger: in order to sleep with her, you cover her head with a brown paper bag AND you cover yours with one too just incase her bag suffers a mishap. Courtesy Dane Cook in the movie; My bestfriend's girl. Amazing movie) And you know what made that situation even more ridiculous; we were the only two people in the University at that time of the morning that were under 50. So she wasn't in any direct competition with me for any male attention or anything remotely close. I just felt so freaking threatened by her, it was unreal! I felt like the ugliest of Cinderella's ugly step sisters. It was like she called me out to defend my existence in life; like, why was I even existing if I wasn't as beautiful as she was.  I gave her as much attitude as I could give a stranger without saying a word. And I had some seriously uncharitable thoughts about her along the lines of being sure that her entire family were terrorists and how I was sure she was so full of her self importance etc. (Very unkind! Bowing my head in shame at the memories)
 When my overall boss arrived at work, she introduced the Pakistani goddess as SC, my new supervisor! To say I was not happy about that is a gross understatement. What!?! They wanted me to roll with this terrorist? Weren't they at all concerned for my safety? But nothing doing, we set out for Leicester which is about 35 minutes away from where I was and by the time we were approaching Leicester, we had become the best of friends. Turns out she's one of the most amazing people in the world. Funny, sassy, beautiful, kind.....just absolutely amazing. My point is, if I was just walking past and I saw how gorgeous she was, I would have disliked her, thought nothing of it and moved on with my life. But she turned out so amazing and she's still a very good friend till this day.
Second example: again, I was at work. And this girl resumed work. She had worked there in the past as a temporary staff and was now being elevated to a contract staff.  I had never met her and she was just meeting me for the first time and from the minute she clapped eyes on me, you could literally touch the dislike in the room. She just did not like me. It was so glaring that the other workers had to ask us if we had met before. The men in my office mess about with 'acquiring' the girls. I was told she was the boss' sweetheart (no inappropriateness going on, btw, at least not to my knowledge) and when she resumed he told her he was thinking of making me his sweetheart. We all laughed about it but I think she resents the fact that she's no longer the new girl and I usurped her position. Well, whatever! The situation hasn't changed and the sad fact is that she's missing out on knowing a great person because she can't see past whatever it is that she's  threatened by(yes indeed....I'm a wonderful person, deal with it) And when you meet with such fierce shittiness, the way you deal with it (well, the way I deal with it) is by mustering all your inner energies to becoming the hugest BITCH you can manage to be. I know the bible says if someone slaps you you turn the left cheek, and I do try, really. But my favorite bit is an eye for an eye. I bet she can't believe how bitchy I am and intend to continue being. So its on, bitch! (sorry for the mini personal vandetta, but it is sooo on sha!)I've heard of this story in different variations. I've heard of older women that are meant to mentor younger girls, just feeling threatened by their youth, girls being threatened by other girls popularity, beauty, etc. It is something I feel very saddend by.

Final thots: I think we women miss out on a lot of things by being envious or threatened by each other. There's a lot to be gained from befriending each other. There are so many people that I have disliked on sight and said bad stuff about that I've been forced to eat my words when I got to know them. I have so many besties like that right now eg FE, DB, AA and the list goes on. What I've found is that most often, the thing we see in other women that makes us dislike them is the thing we wish we had ourselves. It is imperative that we women uplift each other. It is important for our empowerment and development. However, it is mostly an involuntary reaction we have to fight to keep down. I'm  not saying I am now a better person. It is not like it will never happen again but I've decided that  instead of mirror...mirror...on the wall, whose the fairest of them all? I will look into that mirror, give myself a wink and know that even though I'm not perfect, I'm  fabulously imperfect.

Happy Married Life!

I would like to dedicate this to my cousin and her husband; the newest couple in town (at least in my world) Mr & Mrs E. May the good Lord bless your union IJN. Love you guys.

image courtesy www.prsnl.me

So from my dedication, you can tell that I've just been to a wedding. I love weddings. I have soooo much fun at weddings particularly family weddings. I'm always looking good and acting bad ;) Anyways, today was no exception. The wedding was amazing; the bride was stunning, the groom was dashing, the venue was gorgeous and the cake was scrumptious. At the wedding I remembered something Katherine Heigel's character in 27 Dresses said about her favorite part of a wedding ceremony. She said she likes to look at the groom when the bride is walking down the aisle. That the look on the groom's face says it all. I assumed she meant that at that precise moment, the man looks ready to lay down his life, his all for the woman he has chosen to marry. Hmmmmm..........

Well, I also have a favorite part in weddings. To be honest, of all the weddings I have attended and been a part of, I've never taken the time to assess the look on any of the grooms' faces when they see their brides walking down the aisle. If I've ever noticed anything, it is probably relief etched over their faces (I have this notion that brides and grooms are definite flight risks the day before their weddings and that at least 2 weeks before the wedding, brides and grooms should surrender their passports, licences, cars and car keys or any other instrument that may facilitate 'flight' to the coffers of the church, mosque, court etc where their services will be handled, to be handed back to them upon the mutual uttering of  'I do' but, I digress......)

My favorite part of weddings is the reception ( and not for the food, you judgemental harpys. Ok...maybe a little bit for the food) I love it when the couple are dancing in and everyone is cheering. What I've noticed a lot is that the Groom is always over-enthusiastically throwing shapes on the dancefloor and would most often not want to leave the dancefloor despite pleas from his tired missus. Now could this be that as per naija style, the groom doesn't want to miss the 'spraying'? Maybe. Or could it be that he just loves to dance? Maybe too. But I don't see how these could be the main reasons. If the couple accidentally set their feet down from their 'high chairs/table', they will be bombarded with well-wishers practically begging them to let them (the well-wishers) spray them. So the money factor, though reasonable, is not the only reason.
The music the couple dance in to is mostly; let's face it, SHIT! It is usually some band that remixes well known songs to oblivion and you're wondering what the hell they are doing singing THEIR own remix off key. So it is definitely not because the Groom is so eclectic, he appreciates their brand of music.

Here's what I think: in addition to the energetic dancing, I always see massive, bright and gorgeous smiles on the faces of the Grooms. My cousin's brand new husband; a normally mild mannered young man, danced like a crazed man practically through out the entire reception and was dragging his tired wife along with him. The Grooms have sooooo much energy and bound about like over excited puppies and they're smiling, laughing and generally enjoying their day. Another cousin told me that during her reception, she didn't recognise the over excited  babarian in front of her trying to disguise himself as her husband. I think they're doing a joyful jig...a sort of "gotcha now" thing. A victory dance if you will and it is always very cute.
I have tried to reconcile the happiness I see on these Grooms faces to my single male friends' natter about marriage being the last legal form of slavery (of which I don't know what they're complaining about really: pussy on tap at any time of the day or night, hot, home cooked meals, a clean house always.....oh! such hardship!! Boo hooo!) They talk about no guy willingly going into marriage and how it is us women that pressure them into it. But a picture, they say is worth a thousand words and I've never seen a reluctant groom ( or maybe I just don't go to those kind of weddings for which I'm thankful) They're ever so willing to be at the ceremony, to be with their women and to be getting married. It appears these men WANT to get married! Shocker!
They are not to be pitied by the head scratching idiots that bandy around phrases like "I pity him...one pussy for the rest of his life" etc but rather are to be admired and envied. They have found their soul mates who will be their wives, the mothers of their children, their lovers, their bestfriends, their mothers, their girlfriends and their companions for the rest of time. My parents have been married for almost 28 years and sometimes, I catch my father looking at my mother like she's still his 18 year old girlfriend. They gossip about everything under the sun ( sometimes to my disgust, particularly if it is about me) You can't trade that companionship for anything in the world. I believe these grooms realize this and that's why they are always so happy to begin this journey. And I totally take my hat off to them for taking such a bold step and I wish them the best in everything.

Final thots: the Bible says "he who finds a wife, finds a good thing" so all you old ass, grand pa "playas" sort yourselves out and do something about the sorry state of your sorry selves. I'm single...so come find me. Marriage is tough and it requires work but we humans weren't designed to be alone. So find a girl and do it quickly. Good women are languishing int the valley of singledom. Weddings are extremely beautiful and spiritual things and I look forward to my own with the anticipation a 5 year old has on christmas day.

FROGGGGG KISSSSSSSS

image courtesy www.gettyimages.com                   

Warning: names of persons shall be represented by their initials to protect the innocent and not so innocent. This is dedicated to my friends who give me so much joy and provide sanity in an otherwise insane world.

I'm sitting in a meeting that makes me want to stab myself in both eyes with a pencil one at a time, just for the fun and excitement of it and I was just thinking to myself: na wa for life as a single girl! Especially life as a single girl in Nigeria particularly in Lagos and Abuja (I've just come out of the briefest of brief relationships; 3months. Brief but quite intense.)
What gave rise to my musing was that my friend GU was talking about my last blog and sex and saying we must keep wondering about the rightness or otherwise of our engaging in pre-marital sex until we can have sex guilt free. But GU's issue was when this guilt free sex a.k.a. marriage;will happen with the amounts of frogs we have to kiss as single girls

My dear sister, this is my worry too o. It literally has me up at night wondering when my frog parade will end! I express (genuine) happiness when friends get married and (genuine) horror and jealousy when a frenemy or an outright enemy gets married. How do all these girls do it? How do they manage to sieve out these non-frogs from a population comprising of major frogs?

It is a virtual mine field out there! It's raining men........no it's not, Gerri Halliwell of Spicegirls.........it's raining frogs! Damn! Check out the talent out there..... broke or ugly or low self-esteem having  or unfaithful or untrustworthy or fickle......the list of adjectives goes on and on and these adjectives are by no means independent of each other, in most cases a frog possesses most or all of these attributes. Sadly, we all want to get married and most of us will settle for whatever because we are tired of waiting for the Prince therefore any old frog will do.

Here are some practical examples: (everyone of us has a friend who is like this or knows a guy like this) When I lived in England, there was this guy I met on the plane on my way back to the UK after a christmas break his name is KR. Oh, he was charming....wasn't too good looking but he made me laugh, smelt good, dressed well all the good stuff. We became quite close over the years and I had this foolish notion that the wilderness days were over. He talked a good game too....made all the right noises about committments and stuff. One day, things just began to unravel....found out he had a face book account (which he had lied about and which unlike my usual Inspector Closseau self, I had not bothered to investgate) And we all know facebook holds a treasure trove of info. Found out he had a long term girlfriend who he'd been dating forever. And I wasn't the frst girl he pulled this shit on. Luckily for me, I wasn't too far gone. Not because I'm extremely clever, but because I had this romantic notion that we should be together in Nigeria so we can be fully warts and all. So I was holding out for that. I guess it was God that orchestrated the whole thing.
Friends, even with incontrovertible evidence that he was a veritable frog, can you believe old dude was still trying to lie and swindle me? Me? An omo eko?? Well, that wasn't happening. I had a good time making him grovel and beg and I even got a very cute pair of shoes as evidence of his folly ;)
Anyways, this tale is not really about me, it is about the girl, who today, is his wife and mother of his son. Like I said earlier, he had pulled this same kamikazee fuck up shit on other girls. The sad part was when I learnt the girl had known of most of his shit and had probably decided that a half frog is better than no frog at all.
To my mind; she literally handed him a "Fuck around on me" card on a platter of gold. This portion of this post may be viewed as sour grapes by some people but frankly, I don't give a fuck! I dodged a bullet....I know it, he knows it and the girl knows it too.  She knew and she decided to persevere in this turd of a relationship. He actually told me that she was just a girl that refused to be broken up with though he had tried several times! I mean, who says that about a woman that is meant to be the love of his life just to get some side pussy? She stuck in there just to get that ring. And you know what? You go girl! Do what you have to do to get your man I say. But the flipside is that you have to deal with the consequences. A man that didn't give a fuck when you had an option to bounce will not give a fuck when he has you on lock down. And I know frogs don't give a shit! But we women would take a frog over no frog any time any day

My second tale is about my boy; BL, when he was dating his wife, he would say to girls he wanted to sleep with "I have a wife, if you fuck with me, that's just what you did, you fucked with me" This is for real. I would have thought this would deter right thinking women , but ladies, there are frog enablers in our midst, we should weed them out and kill them slowly!!!! I digress......anyways, it didn't deter 95% of the women he told. His declaration made him a shade better than KR but it still firmly puts him in Froggy Land.

If I hadn't met a few Princes (obviously belonging to other women) I would not have believed such a phenomenon existed. My mother is blessed with one of these elusive creatures as is my cousin LA and my friends LSD and RA (congrats ladies) it doesn't mean they don't do wrong things but their moral compass is too unreal. They are MEN in every sense of the word not just because they possess a dangling appendage betwixt their legs. They are upfront, loyal, trustworthy, strong, capable and every other adjective that royalty stands for. Even when they fuck up, you know they will find their way back and make it right and spend their lives making it right for you. These men and the ladies they love give me hope. They send out a clear message that FROGS ARE AMPHIBIANS.....MEN ARE MEN!!! Stop mixing the two up. The fairytale tells us the frog turned into a prince but in life we know it is not easy for people to change. My philosophy is that when you hit 18, you're pretty much set in your ways.

Final thots: I'm still single and hoping to be searched for (I'm the huntED not the huntER) but contrary to the negative opinion you may have formed from my rant; I'm not too bitter about it. I've decided to have fun whilst my single status lasts. I'm looking @ the glass as half full not half empty, life has given me lemons and I'm a lemonade making fool and yadayada yada (all those gay 'uplifting' quotes that couldn't be more depressing if they tried)

Who am I to give relationship advice? I'm the 3months kid for fuck sakes!! However, I will not be browbeaten by parents, society, life and the fear of growing old alone with 20 cats into jumping into life with one of these frogs. A quick roll in the hay.....mais oui, certainement! Life together where my only out is blowing your brains out or worse still blowing MY brains out or bringing shame to my prestigious family name (a crime worse than murder, btw).....no thank you very much......keep it moving  Kermit the frog! The sad truth is once you saddle yourself with one of these, they're hard to shake because the bastards are crafty.....they will knock you up in a jiffy and leave you bemoaning your fate. It works out great for them though, cos when they've ruined your body, your looks and most importantly your vajayjay; leaving you needing a vagiplasty surgery you probably can't afford, they up and leave for a newer, yellower model of you! Last laugh and all that shit. To wrap this up, ladies, please hold out. It is soooo important!! I can't tell you how important. At least hold out a while longer before you jump into life with a frog. As for me, I'm frog marching onto the next frog that I will be kissing....who knows, I may get the one that turns into a prince (I never said reformation wasn't possible, it is just very tedious!)  xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

RELIGION...REPRESSION

image courtesy https://www.makassaronline.blogspot.com

So I'm a christian girl but I also like to do the sexual things. The topic of this blog has been done time and time again..... "oh.... religion is holding me back" "I'm so repressed cos of religion" So, though it's been done before, here's my take on it.

I love God but I also love cock! There!!! I said it!!!!!. I mean, I now understand the whole don't have sex before marriage edict in the bible cos it was probably tried and tested in those days as it is now that once you pop, you can't stop (in the immortal words of the pringles commercial)

The thing with sex is, the minute you start having it, good or bad you must continue.
 If it is good sex; you can't get that damn monkey off your back! You have to keep getting the good-good. You will take any form of abuse just to get that clever little finger making a tortously slow journey around your clit and its environs; that amazing, talented, mouth eating the cum right out of your soaked pussy, hard, thick, cock working your body right and all the other things in between. You want a terrible boyfriend back cos he was an undeniable "Pussy Jeddi Master" (at least that's where I'm at right now.)
If it is bad sex: and if you're like me, an avid reader, you keep hitting the various cocks in the hope that you find one that will hit it just right like those fantasy studs in your Johanna Lindseys, Zane, Lora Leigh et al. In a nutshell, the addiction of cock is undeniable.

If you're as repressed as me, you're probably suffering from that guilt of wanting to be a good christian (moslem, buddhist etc, insert as applicable (pun definitely intended)) the Christ-Cock dichotomy is not lost on me at all. Did I mention that I'm a Nigerian girl? Yep, I am. I'm not in diaspora either. That ended 2 yrs ago so I live and work in Nigeria.That certainly adds to the confusing mix. Somewhere inside my sophisticated, twentysomething self, I still believe that sex is a bad and dirty thing that only bad and dirty girls do who will not get married because they are bad and dirty. Probably true but I can't deny my sexual nature. Denial of same is akin to denial that I love bags (which I do to the point of addiction by the way)
The point I'm making is that I struggle with my Christianity and my sexuality so badly. I've been known to impose sexual hiatus(es???) on myself. The last one lasted 5 years. I know....no wonder I'm so vulgar and horny. I already admitted I was repressed! Duh!! I've listened to preachings that tell me what I need to know...sex is bad and other wonderful things along that line. Kudos to Abidemi Sanusi, author of Kemi's Journal and Zach's Story. Two very special books that approach the topic of sex and christianity from a totally different angle. Whilst she's by no means gloryfying pre-marital sex, she admits that there's always room for error because as human beings, the simple truth is WE HAVE THESE FEELINGS. As a christian, I ask for grace. But I'm through with denying my sexual nature. It is the first step in becoming a lot of things eg, becoming unrepressed!
I think there's a lot of deception and crime centered around the topic of religion and repression. My best friend told me of a church going ex who was so active in church and who was the epitome of christlike living who she was sure all the "sisters" in church made a focal point for their husband prayers who it turned out wanted to "tap that" "test run the merchandise before purchase".....ok.....sleep with her before marriage. So he wasn't as holy as he presented. The worse was that he was soooooo SHIT at sex, she couldn't believe her misfortune. See, if he had openly had practice instead of parading himself as this thing that he's not, he may have improved with time. Sex on the sly that leaves no room for constructive criticism: definitely not good at all. I've also heard stories of Deacons, Pastors etc sticking it to small children in the church. It is all a part of the repression/ frustration.

Final thots: I still don't know where I stand. I'm here proclaiming that I am forthwith unburdened of my repression, but I may wake up tomorrow rocking away with the fear of fire and brimstones and declare the earlier position revoked. But for today. I like sex, I like cock, I like the feeling of a man between my thighs. In short from the first sigh to the last moan and everything inbetween, I adore sex but I also love God. I love the way he makes me feel, I like that he's my father and my friend. So, I'm very happy to sit on the proverbial fence and not feel too bad about myself. So, in the immortal words of Jerry Springer; take care of yourselves and each other